Why have I stuck at this?

[Fizzydizzer]

Been a lurker for a long time. Not really sure where to start. The violence seems to be escalating. Why me? Everyone else thinks the sun shines out of him. Why do I always get the abuse? Noone else does. I wish hw would leave as he will never change. Can't tell anyone in real life because they've heard it all before. Should have left last time. I spent the best part of an hour trying to get through to Womens Aid and nothing. Tried local services - nothing. It seems these things aren't supposed to happen on the weekend. Doesn't love me at all does he?

Why you? Because you're the one at his mercy, of course. If he knocked his boss about he wouldn't be employed. Keep trying the support agencies.

I don't suppose he does love you, no. Well, not like one human being loves another, anyway. More like a spoilt toddler loves its teddy, that it can punch and bite and throw in the corner, but doesn't want to go to bed without. Except toddlers are cute and they grow up.

When was he last violent to you and what form does it take? Are you left with bruises or other visible signs of assault?

Do you want to leave this time? Tell someone in rl. Someone who's heard it all before will be very happy they're hearing it again if it really means you're not putting up with the shit any more.

And no, he doesn't love you. He's not capable of love. You, however are deserving of love and you won't find it stuck with this bully.

It's not love, no.
You are just a subject of his control, and it's having control that he loves.

Do keep trying, it's possible that there are loads more in your situation.

But if he was physically violent, and you are afraid, you can call the police too.

Also, you may not want to complain to RL because "they've heard it all before", but why can't you ask them to help you get away.

But, for your sake, do not let yourself be convinced to return. By going back you are giving your consent to more violence, I'm afraid.

Keep trying WA, or try Respect (It's govt funded, set up for perpetrators but seeing as they don't often have crises of conscience, the lines are usually clear...

Please get a copy of WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. This will show that it's not to do with you, nothing, none of it. this is HIS choice to abuse you, because he can.

You are right, it will never stop, it will only get worse, and yes escallation could cost you your life.

What options do you have? Do you have children? Can you just pack a bag and get out?

Who owns the place you live in?

If you are in danger, please call the Police on 999.

If no immediate danger, call WA, make an appointment to see your Dr, start creating a paper trail (this is crucial if property/children are involved) If you have to go to court for access etc, you need to prove that he is not suitable to have the same automatic rights as normal people do.

He is NOT normal, he is an abuser, will never change and is choosing to do this to you, because he wants to.

Keep posting, we are here to help.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately violence does tend to escalate over time so things aren't going to get any better. Persevere with women's aid and your local service and call the police if you need to. Have you called them before?

Th violence is escalating - you and any children are in danger.

Please don't stay, call the police if need be. You can do this!

Thanks for the replies. Kids are definitely not in danger. Apparently, I have nothing to worry about because he's never actually laid a finger on me. Just throws things at me, name calling, nose to nose screaming. Oh and all my fault because I started it. He starts off trying to apologise but because I don't forgive him immediately, I'm the problem. If I didn't sulk it wouldn't happen. He's so fucking arrogant that he thinks he can treat me like shit and I should just get over it. I am going to perservere with WA. I am not spending the rest of my life like this.

He's behaving like a typical abuser by blaming you and minimising his behaviour. Where are the dc when he's throwing things at you and screaming at you? I'm glad you've made the decision not to spend the rest of your life like this, you and your children deserve an abuse free life.

Why you?

Because you see him for what he really is. You hold a mirror up for him and he doesn't like the reflection. Everyone else likes him yet you can see through the acting and the charm. He doesn't like that because he doesn't want to accept that he's actually a bad person so he's deferring it all onto you and lashing out.

WA's national helpline is frequently oversubscribed at weekends.

You could phone your local police on their non-emergency number and ask to be referred to a domestic violence counsellor or call your local WA branch during office hours on Monday.

It sounds as if he's long overdue for a short, sharp, shock and if you feel at all intimidated by his behaviour at any time, don't hesitate to dial 999 and ask the police to remove him from your home.

Wow dreamless! What you said really touched on something there. He has always been more interested in saving face with other people. Even if he gets screwed over by them. He tried to tell me what my problem was last night. It's funny because what he said was a projection of HIS actions and thoughts on me. It's so infuriating to try and talk to someone that can't see they have a BIG problem. The only thing I can do is leave, and that's what I'm going to do.

Right fizzy, keep that anger and indignation going.
You are right, he is wrong.
You are strong enough to get out NOW, before he wears you down so completely that you would find it harder to get out.

Nobody can MAKE anyone else do something. If he chooses to behave badly, it is his choice.

Cheering you on

Thanks for the support. Will get onto WA again today. Seriously fucked off with him. Why should I have to live with this? After another screaming match last night I calmly said one of us needs to leave. He said he would, then doesn't. I have nowhere to go so it needs planning. Arrogant bastard tells me he's sleeping in his own bed. I'm relegated to the kids bed. I want him a million miles away from me.

Pack his bags. Change the locks.