How can I get my DP to desire me as he used to?

[gardengloves]

We're both in our early 50s and have been DPs for 6 years. Both came out of loveless relationships with the parent of our DC (we each have 3 DC; all 16 plus; all get on well together). Mine live with me; his don't. DP and I have never lived together.

DP used to be very intuative. He'd know if I was upset about something, and was always very touchy feely. He adored me and loved being with me, even doing mundane stuff and he'd do lots of practical stuff for me like mowing the lawn and taking my DCs to their clubs etc. I suppose he was very useful to me.

When we first met, and for a long time after, DP was totally besotted with me which was flattering, but I did get rather irritated by his neediness and felt that my DC weren't getting the attention they deserved. So I started to distance myself from DP which I know hurt him greatly. I would see him much less and told him I didn't want us to get married, which he'd wanted. I love/loved him, but was never as 'in love' as he was.

Fast forward to now - DP still says he loves me, wants us to be together forever etc, but the closeness and desire on his part seems to have deminished considerably. (Not surprising, I know, because I hurt him). We've talked about this and why things went wrong between us. The sex is very good and always has been, but is less regular as we only see each other maybe twice a week

Its now me that reaches out to hold his hand or kiss him. Its me who misses seeing him so often. I'd like us to have some sort of joint life together, not just see each other a couple of times a week when's he's got nothing else on. We used to talk of going places together, starting a business together, renovating a house together - there doesn't seem to be much 'together' anymore. I've told him how I feel, but nothing has changed. He's a really good, decent, funny person and I don't want to be with anyone else (and I'm pretty sure he doesn't) but I want the closeness back in our relationship.

I suppose I'm asking for some thoughts on how I can encourage him to desire me more. How we can get the togetherness back, rather than be two people who just meet up a couple of times a week. A bit pathetic really

I get the feeling that your partner may be the kind of person who falls very hard and fast, and perhaps that is part of the reason he isn't the same now when the flush of first love and excitement isn't as present (which is entirely normal in a relationship that spans a certain period of time).

Part of this might be because he gets besotted and engrossed and that just isn't feasible long-term, and when it wears off he becomes less interested in planning a future. Not because he is malicious or manipulative, but perhaps he is a little addicted to all of the delirious feelings that come from the flushes of a new relationship and finds it hard to maintain the connection once that has gone. Hope I'm not completely off the mark here but what you say about how intense he was it makes me think that maybe he doesn't quite know how to deal with the changes a relationship goes through as time goes by.

Of course, the distancing issue may have been hurtful and upset him. But you weren't wrong to need space when you felt like the attention you could give to your children was being compromised.

Does any of this ring true?

Uther it certainly does, and I hadn't quite thought of it like that before.

DP did mention someone he'd met when he was much, much younger who he'd been besotted with for a few months (had forgotton all about her) and she dumped him for someone less clingy.

I suppose he has no experience of a loving long term relationship as his time with his ex DW was very unhappy.

What was the catalyst for him leaving his marriage OP?

And when you've discussed his distancing with him, what does he say?

Charbon - seems DP married young to someone he had nothing in common with - she didn't want him sexually - eventually she had a relationship with someone at work - end of marriage.

When I've discussed distancing with DP he agrees that things have changed - says he was very hurt by my previously wanting to see less of him - says he's had to involve himself in sport etc to fill the gap I left and is often tired after work - agreeable to us doing a few more things together such as going to the gym and he sometimes cooks me a meal at his house which is nice. DP doesn't dismiss what I say and isn't horrrible - just seems to lack any enthusiasm for changing things or getting the passion back

I think there's a chance he's met someone else and this isn't a withdrawal because of hurt feelings.

So, your DP is now punishing you because you rightly told him that he wasn't the Centre of The Fucking Universe ?

Does that ring true at all ?

He may also have found another lady who treats him like he thinks he deserves to be treated. He is wrong about that, btw

I agree with all the above, garden. Sorry.

It sounds as though he's a goddess-worshipper: falls hard and fast, believes you're the answer to all his prayers, then goes on to have an intensely joyous relationship with the goddess you are in his head. Soon as you insert your real self, everyday needs and personal humanity into the fantasy, down you come off that pedestal and yon worshipper feels let down.

He is kind of punishing you, as AF rightly said ... for not being his personally-invented goddess after all. You did no crime; he was foolishl.

People are supposed to love like this while very young. But they're supposed to get to grips with actual real life (and real love) after a couple of plaster effigies have turned to dust. Some, sadly, never do grow up. He's likely to be looking for a new deity right now (or have one in mind.)

The best thing to do, ime, is cherish the good times and enjoy the fact you've been a goddess. Then walk away from that pedestal and get on with life the human way. Wish him god(ess) speed, put that album in the back of a cupboard and take him out of your phone's favourites. Good luck!

totally agree, garlic

the bloke is a nob

lucky escape for you, OP, if you give your self respect a huge boost and tell him to take a hike

Of course, if you do tell him to take a hike- you will once again become the Unattainable Goddess and he will be again Mr Clingy. I speak from current personal experience. Unfortunately

I would hesitate so say 'he's a knob, dump him'. We don't know it's that bad.

OP, I wonder if you and he might benefit from some individual counselling to figure out what your own feelings are, about relationships in general and about one another. Or maybe even going together.

It doesn't sound like all is lost just yet

Everyone has a relationship story in their head that they sort of follow blindly, unless they look at their own motives and childhood patterns and so on, and it sounds as though you love each other but aren't sure how to handle that, or what to do with the needs and desires you have, despite having them still.

It's the functionality of the relationship not the foundation of it that I'd think is in trouble here.

I mean he probably withdrew as he didn't want to push you away again and is having trouble trusting his own instincts a bit, because when he feels love for someone he smothers them a bit, and he knows this doesn't make you happy.

So he needs to figure out how to show his love without pushing you away. And likewise you need to sort out a way to communicate with him that won't hurt him or make him feel like you don't really want him.

The intentions are all good by the sound of it, but you need to become more sure of each other and maybe a counsellor could help you with the practical side of this?