Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Mother - Son Relationship

22 replies

salsa · 01/02/2006 20:59

I am going to ask advice on here for a friend. I know she doesn't come on here which is why I am asking.
Basically her husband has a very close relationship with his mother. They speak to each other at least 10 times per day. They write letters to each other even though they only live about 20 mins apart. If he calls his mum in the evening and there is no answer he will immediately get in the car and drive round. My friend said that she said that his mum was probably just sleeping but he wouldn't listen and actually accused her of being inconsiderate.

She told me all this today and I promised her I would see if there was any wierd or strange reasons for this kind of behaviour.
I decided the best place to ask was here.

They have a 3 yr old dd and since her birth there has been very little contact between friend and her H. I t has actually got to the point where there is none.
Do you think that he could be gay?
I told her that I think the feelings he has for his mother are the feelings that he should have for her.
She is a good friend and to be honest I wanted to just tell her to leave him.

What do you think?

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 01/02/2006 21:01

I really don't see that there is any evidence as to his sexuality one way or the other. I think you are right that he is devoting the sort of attention to his mother that he should be devoting to his wife. Has he always been this bad? I think that unless her husband sees a problem/the threat of her leaving as problem, and is prepared to change things/go to counselling, then she has to decide whether to accept the situation or whether to leave.

QE2 · 01/02/2006 21:02

Sounds a bit overpowering imo.

He should be paying his wife more attention. What is the deal between him and his mother - do they have issues? Why is she so dependent on him?

Original poster

salsa · 01/02/2006 21:06

His mother and father divorced because the father had an affair. I dont know when this happened. My friend said today that since this happened it is like she replaced the father with her son.
If at the weekend the mother says that she wants to visit the brother(which is a 5 hour drive away) he tells my friend to pack as they are going. My friend is outgoing and really deserves somebosy else. This guy also gets up at 04.30am to meditate etc etc the list goes on.

OP posts:

Original poster

salsa · 01/02/2006 21:09

Basically what I am asking is, has anybody else ever had to deal with this. Does anyone know any sites about this strange relationship. It isn't normal?

OP posts:

singednotburned · 01/02/2006 21:29

I have experience of a relationship like this.
He would use anything as an excuse to not spend time with me.
Has she tried just saying to him, this is our plan, we are going to do such and such this evening? She should pick something he really likes, and see what happens.
Maybe if they went away on holiday, it would force him to spend time with her, and discuss their problems.
Maybe if she got the mother involved in some activities outside the house, 'design' a social life for her or something.
This is a very difficult situation to be in, and requires some long term planning.
I am flummoxed.

Original poster

salsa · 01/02/2006 21:34

She admitted to me today that it is always her that tries ti iniciate (sp) sex between them and he is just not interested. This really isnt normal for a man.She is young, attractive, fit etc. She has threatened to leave him and he just says that he doesnt want to talk about it and that they are a family and must stay together. By the way neither of them are english. They are of different nationalities. My dh is of the same nationality as him. We all live ina country that is very family orientated but my DH most certainly does not have this kind of relationship with his mother.

OP posts:

Original poster

salsa · 01/02/2006 21:47

Is there actually an illness as such that is about this subject. I am sure there must be but I can't find out about it.

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 01/02/2006 22:09

I think some mothers are just that controlling of their sons. My DH's cousin went out with a guy who was like that about his mother, although the mother initiated most of the contact, she would ring him late at night saying she was sure there was someone in the house and he would hurry round, .. and the list goes on. If your friend's DH has always been controlled by his mother like this, then it's just a way of life for him. NOt a disease to the best of my knowledge but certainly not normal imo.

Tortington · 01/02/2006 22:17

she should inch her way into moving far far away

Original poster

salsa · 02/02/2006 11:11

wannabe1974. I know that there are lots of mothers that have trouble in letting their sons grow up and become men as such. I think the wierd thing jere is that it is not just the mother that is controlling.
He apparently spent 90 minutes one day on the computer making a birthday card for his mother with some very loving words in side.
My friend says that he has never made a card for her and the words written were the kind of words that one should say to a wife or husband not a mother.
I personally hope that she can find it in herself to leave him as I find him rather odd.

The reason I question his sexuality is because I know 2 men that have been married and have children that have gone on to divorce and then have a gay relationship.

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 02/02/2006 12:08

It all sounds very odd, if he's spending that much time making a birthday card and putting such loving things in it could there be more to this than meets the eye? Could this relationship between him and his mother be incestuous? It's not beyond the relms of possibility, even if the thought of it is horrible.

Pennies · 02/02/2006 12:13

One word... Oedipus.

V. odd behaviour and if I was her I'd be off.

Original poster

salsa · 02/02/2006 15:48

She did say that the thought had crossed her mind about there being something sexual. It's not really something to discuss in detail though as it is so gross. I think I will have to do some more searching on the internet about this. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

mandieb · 02/02/2006 20:06

So may be now is not the time to tell you about my story a very close friend told me about another mate of hers who came home early and found her DH in bed with his mum . very similar set up as in spending loads of time with mum .

charliecat · 02/02/2006 20:20

If my mum doesnt answer her phone I get in a slight panic and if she hasnt answered within a few hours I start ringing rouind to see if anyone else knows where she is and if noone knows I get my cousin who lives in the same road to check thats shes still alive and well.
The history behing this is a) She nearly died when I was 9 and I think I thought she was dead, so the fact thats shes still alive 18 years on is a mystery to me as my brain had it that she was dead..and my brothers a paranoid schizophrenic and I worry one day he will flip and kill her.
So to me, his behavious not THAT odd. I would worry he was having an affair and using his mum as an excuse actually.
Just wanted you to know theres others like it, and why.

piggysgal · 02/02/2006 20:25

Tell your friend to check out the website motherinlawstories.com, a truly wonderful resource for women with troublesome mother-in-laws. It has great message boards. She'll find plenty of similar (and, if you can believe it, much worse) stories on there, and they will give her good advice.

mandieb · 03/02/2006 00:01

piggy that site is amazing I have just spent the last 2 hours reading all the stuff.

handlemecarefully · 03/02/2006 00:15

I doubt it is sexual or that it has any bearing on his sexuality...but he certainly sounds freakishly strange (god, I'm so open minded!), and on the admittedly brief details that you have given us I wonder why your friend is bothering...

handlemecarefully · 03/02/2006 00:17

Bloody hell mandieb (at your earlier post). [speechless & stunned emoticon]

mandieb · 03/02/2006 18:26

Seriously I swear its true . poor cow (wife that is ) He was always doing things for his mum and as the new wife she thought it was nice .

JoolsToo · 03/02/2006 18:31

sorry to hijack

hmc did you get your car?

handlemecarefully · 03/02/2006 19:47

Yes I did thanks Joolstoo. Had it about 5 weeks now. It's bloody marvellous

Flip