My Husband has found god - the last straw

[estobi1]

I am not religious I don't believe in God - I wish I did but I dont. My husband has found God and has put a picture of Mary and Jesus up on our hall wall and is refusing to take it down. He ahs put rosary beads on our bed. I am deeply unhappy abput this as whilst I generally think that christian teachings and morality are great, this is a step too far and I do not want my children swept up in this.

Things between my husband and I have not been right for a long time. He has an addictive personality - drink food running education and now this. I feel unable to connect with him but I wanted to keep things together for the kids (apologies for the over used phrase) to give them a decent quality of life believing I could compromise and life isnt perfect etc but I feel so empty and lonely. We both have very stressful jobs and clearly this is an outlet for him. We lost our favourite cat aged 14 on Monday and I reached out to hold his hand and he wouldnt take it. I have fantastic friends and they and my kids are my life. I feel that he has become so obsessed with his own pursuits there is nothing left between us.

How can I turn things around? I am not sure I can. Please help.

You can't on your own. I'm sorry you are living like this.

I can make no suggestions. May I ask how long his obsessions last for in general?

he has had something going on ever since I met him. The alcohol was not too bad as he was generally very nice when he was drunk. Since he dried out he has become very hard and thats when he took up running and eating. He sees a shrink who is very good by all accounts and she helps him achieve a level of understanding which has a positive effect. I think that there has been a lot of hurt and he is trying to manage. I am trying to manage and I just cant cope with it any more. I try to ignore it and carry on. I feel disloyal talking about it although I do try to talk about it to my friends. If I leave I will be financially on my arse and I will not be able to offer my children any of their hobbies, holidays car etc. I think that things are on such a knife edge if I talk to him I will have no choices.

As a Christian, I can tell you that IF his conversion is genuine then his behaviour will absolutely change for the better.

I wonder (don't take this the wrong way) if you and your friends are so close that he feels excluded? This can certainly happen in my relationship - I have quite a few female friends and a tendency to put them first, tell them everything etc. It has taken a long time to recognise that dh sometimes has a point when he feels well down the list of my priorities. I am also a bit more cautious about who I tell what these days. It's not ideal, but I have chosen to get married and dh deserves to feel that he is important to me.

On the positive side, it sounds like the religious enthusiasm is likely to ebb away as his others have (but what will be next??)

I think you do have to talk to him - but you don't have to say everything at once. You could just say that the appearance of God in his life has been a surprise to you and you haven't known how to take it?

Another Christian here. Would echo that a genuine conversion would offer him some peace and so end the crazes he's subjected you to so far. However, there is no need for beads and pictures in your house if they are upsetting you and he is being insensitive. Tell him the bible is clear that he will be known as a Christian by his love, not his accessories! Hope you guys can work this out

Thank you positive Christians for your advice I think he is craving a less materialistic existence and a calmer one I am up for that! I really hope you are right, some peace would be lovely!

Yes I am sure Dh does feel pushed out we have not really been close since my daughter was born 7 years ago. I stepped into motherhood and embraced it he shrunk away feeling nervous and inadequate. I tried to join him in and to acommodate this but this made it worse. He had a nervous breakdown and we tried to start again and moved away but I dont feel we are succeeding. We do need to try to pull it back, we have both tried but perhaps not enough or in the right ways.

In terms of religious artefacts being upsetting, I may sound like I am crazy. For me I believe that religion is a personal thing and I dont like organised religion due to the fighting it can cause hence my reluctance to have pictures in my home. Ultimately it is a picture but I need a place of sanctuary where I can escape from the world. I will certainly try to persuade him along the lines suggested thank you.

It sounds like you are worn out indulging this man's whims and needs. Does he do anything for you? OK, he (presumably) brings in some money, but that doesn't mean he's entitled to be the most important person in the household.

I have no time for religion anyway, it's a lot of nonsense, but while many people who believe in a god are actually lovely people who do their best to live up to the positive bits about their particular faith ie all the bits about being kind, fair and helpful, plenty of religious people, especially new converts, use their faith as a way of pushing other people around. Your H sounds like someone who is always going to put his wishes and obsessions ahead of everyone and everything else.

I have fantastic friends and they and my kids are my life.
there is nothing left between us.

It doesn't sound like you have much to lose then, apart from material comfort, from ending it.

I would echo sgb's question: what does he bring you?

Has this man had any exposure to AA or members of AA? That would explain a lot - none of it good I'm afraid, even if he has stopped drinking.

I just told him how I felt in no uncertain terms and actually got a lot of warmth and kindness back. I told him how I felt that that there was a big gap between us and he said he has wanted me to say that and didnt feel that he could. we both want to close it. I explained how I disliked the religious artefacts and he agreed to put them into his office. Not saying that things are perfect and will probably be ranting before long but thanks to the kind words and good advice on here I managed to express how I feel without being critical and exploding. Thank you mnetters

I just told him how I felt in no uncertain terms and actually got a lot of warmth and kindness back.

That sounds lovely.
I'm very glad he had that reaction and listened to your feelings.

From what you've said, it seems you've done incredibly well to sort yourself a network of good friends! Your husband has been disengaged from you and his family for donkey's years, choosing to live inside his own issues instead of with you.

The cat thing was just mean - I'm sorry for your loss. And being so unwilling & unable to cope with parenthood that he had a breakdown?! You've been on your own for a very, long time :(

Getting god can, indeed, turn tortured souls around. But the change can be, although well-meant, pretty shallow ime. Perhaps the combination of god and therapy will turn out to be what he needs ... I don't feel you should pin your hopes on this. Enjoy his new compassion while it lasts but make plans, too. You've only got one life and you're not living it all at the moment. Your DC will survive a split if it comes to that, and quite possibly flourish under the more stable regime you can give them alone. Why not see a lawyer to find out your options?

Btw, a good christian won't drape artefacts over your bed if you don't like 'em.

Sorry, cross-posted! Good to hear he's put his fetishes away

Please keep up the clear communication! Watch yourself to make sure you don't take responsibility for his as well. And - er, find out your options anyway?

I echo what others said that finding God can be very positive.it turned me around in my own life and I have had countless people tell me the change is me is remarkable, so dont write this off as a bad thing yet.

He probably just feels the beads etc help him connect to god but it's good you both have come to a good compromise x

He sounds an awful lot like my XH, who has a very addictive (fortunately not substance-wise) and obsessive personality. He cycles through a series of chosen addictions, occasionally adding a new one in.

None of them last, but all of them are all-consuming whilst he is in the grip of them. He simply cannot see this, and will turn on anyone who tries to rationalise with him. From experience, I would say that he is highly unlikely to stick with this, and will only select the parts that he finds useful. For my XH it was purely another stick to beat and criticise everyone else, who could not live up to his unrealistic, moralistic ideals.

Sounds like he may have got religion, not got God (two very different things imo).

I'm a christian and I wouldn't like stuff like that around my house, certainly not on my bed. There's two of you living in the house, one shouldn't get to indulge their 'tastes' without clearing it with the other, regardless what it is.

You say he sees a psychiatrist - how about you? Do you see anybody? You've been through a lot the past 7 years and maybe he's the one who's got all the treatment and support. Whereas your friends have become extremely important to you, probably as a result of what you've been through? But there's two of you living in the same house on completely different paths - is there any way you could access support together?

Glad to hear the convo went well but imo you'll need professional support to negotiate his habit of absenting himself from his/your life.

btw, not all AA groups are cultish imo (re pp)

[i]As a Christian, I can tell you that IF his conversion is genuine then his behaviour will absolutely change for the better.[/i]

logicfail

Echoing Springy about AA. Not so sure about accessing support together, but a therapist of your own might be helpful estobi.

This thread makes me realise how fortunate I am to have myself to myself again! If people are unhappy in a relationship then they may seek comfort in other things. Some people might sleep around, some might take up fishing, others find God. It sounds to me that your husband is deeply unhappy in his current situation yet has principles and finds escape from his reality in things which are rather mundane. Perhaps it would be better for both of you to call it a day.

Another Christian here. Even as a Christian I am still an obsessive. I always have an obsession going. My faith is not one of them. That continues on all the time. Glad you are sorting things out :)