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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I help my son?

24 replies

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 22:03

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread, but I have lurked on this board for months and really value the advice given on here. I'm so confused about this problem. Is it even a problem?

My DS is a young man in his first relationship. He lives away from our home. We have always been very close through difficult times and he talks to me about just about everything. I try hard not to intrude into his life and am just "there for him" as much as I can be when he needs me.

His new relationship is causing him some difficulties. Maybe he doesn't understand young women that well, although he has had some female friends. He doesn't have sisters. He regularly asks me for advice about his gf - some aspects of this are very personal indeed. She would, perhaps, be embarrassed if she knew the kinds of things he is asking me and I have told him that it wouldn't be a good idea if she knew he was talking to me like this. But, I don't want him to lie to her.

I just want him to be happy. He is such a lovely young man and wants to do the right thing by his gf. I don't offer him advice, I only give it when he asks. I have asked him if he can talk to his friends and get advice, but he says that he can't tell them the kinds of things he tells me.

Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I keep away? Please help.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 16/03/2012 22:12

Sorry, not enough information... depends on how personal and just how "necessary" the advice is. If it's just sharing for sharing's sake, and you're feeling uncomfortable then it probably is too much.

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2012 22:14

Are you implying that he talks to you about sexual difficulties? That would seem a bit inappropriate unless you are actually a professional sex therapist. Or are there specific problems which are more than the usual niggles between couples?

CrockoDuck · 16/03/2012 22:15

Agree with foolonthehill - if it's not something you feel able to share on here, then it's almost certainly not something he should be sharing with you.

Ask him how he'd feel if she was sharing similar information about him with her dad.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 22:19

Yes, it is about sexual difficulties. I do worry about this being inappropriate, but then how can I say - "you can't speak to me about this", when we have always talked about everything under the sun?

They are both virgins and having problems starting things. I am worried that he will feel rebuffed if I cut him off from talking to me. He thinks it is cool to be able to be so open with a parent. I had the total opposite from my parents so feel very confused about what is the right thing to do here.

And if he can't talk to me, then who can he talk to?

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Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 22:20

And thanks for being so kind by the way - I worried about posting as I thought you would all come down on me like a ton of bricks.

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poohbearrocks · 16/03/2012 22:34

Tell him it is brilliant that he can talk to you, and you will help him find someone more appropriate to help/advise in this situation. This could be positive rather than yuck - you just need to be very decisive and clear about where the boundaries lie.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 22:51

poohbearrocks Who do you think could advise him? I simply have no idea.

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foolonthehill · 16/03/2012 22:58

Books are good for the where's, what's and hows and could be a gateway to him talking to his GF, who should be the first port of call anyway. As they are both beginners, learning to talk to one-another about intimate stuff is a major building block for a relationship. They may be able to learn and explore together

If the problems are bigger than they can manage together then

physical check-up by medic
referral if necessary to psychosexual counselling/other

(I once had a young couple turn up to A and E on their wedding night as no-one had seen fit to give them the info they needed!!!)

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 23:02

foolonthehill Thanks, I will suggest he looks for some books and try to step back from this. Will see him in a few weeks and then talk about how I can't get too involved in this as he has to sort it out for himself, with her of course.

It's so difficult when he is used to talking to me about his feelings and perhaps it's worse because he didn't have a gf when he was younger.

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ThePinkPussycat · 16/03/2012 23:09

Hmm I know of someone who advised their DD(18) when she had similar probs, and did ask. But it was only the once or twice, just enough to reassure her that the problem was common and solvable. Then the mother backed off - no follow up quns or anything.

Confiding regularly doesn't seem quite right. He needs to have the courage of his convictions and seek other ways to get info or talk to his gf.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 23:18

ThePinkPussycat Yes, think I definitely need to back off, but maybe carefully so that he doesn't feel rejected by me. I think one of the problems is that she won't talk to him about what happened - or didn't happen IYSWIM.

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solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2012 23:19

Send him here. OK it's American, but it's accessible, sensible and very informative without being too heavily 'educational'.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 23:27

solidgoldbrass thanks so much - that looks really helpful and seems to address the main problem :)

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garlicbutter · 16/03/2012 23:28

Here's the Relate page of books about sex: www.relate.org.uk/book-shop-sex-problems/index.html

This is Amazon's page on "Joy Of Sex" - the first proper sex how-to guide, and still very good. As you can see, it's been updated by the same authors.

BBC Health has a sex section: it's all about problems but some of them might be relevant to the couple. www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/sexual_health/

garlicbutter · 16/03/2012 23:32

oops, x-posted with SGB :)

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 23:33

garlicbutter Thanks - these are great links. Smiling to see that the Joy of Sex is still around. Remember reading that when I was around the same age as DS!

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Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 16/03/2012 23:34

Thanks everyone again for your help. I am in tears here. Not sure why!

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jjgirl · 17/03/2012 04:10

Men's health magazine also have a forum. Another place is the lovehoney forums for very explicit advice. Sorry cant link to them on my iPhone.

Eurostar · 17/03/2012 11:13

One thing I would say to him, which is what we always say around here, you can't change another adult, you can only change yourself. If she is struggling with talking about what happened, he can of course try to create a space where she feels safe to talk and show he is trying to to understand how she feels without showing blame. However, if she is just not able to deal with this now it is important that he realises that he is not to blame and that this does not need to set the tone for all his future relationships. It's very likely that they are both blaming themselves and thinking they are not attractive enough rather than being able to objectively see that this could be quite an average experience when two inexperienced people first become sexual.

Personally I think it is wonderful that he can talk to you rather than turn to unreliable information, especially with the mass exposure that young men have to porn as their first introduction to sex which is so confusing for so many of them.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/03/2012 15:55

jjgirl - thank-you for that advice, I will follow those up.

Thanks, Eurostar, that helps a lot. Yes, in many ways, I am so glad that we have the kind of relationship where he feels comfortable in talking to me. During his teens, I emphasised to him that he could talk to DH and me about anything - thinking that anything might include drinking, drugs etc. I never thought it would be along these lines! I have told him he is not to blame - he is simply inexperienced. In fact, my first experience of sex was very similar, so I can understand some of what she may be feeling, although I don't know her so can't say for certain. I am concerned that this might affect him in future relationships, if they can't eventually work this out. Or might affect his work. What I must say is that I am proud of him for his whole caring attitude to this - better that he asks advice than walks off in a huff or does something to hurt her feelings.

It's so hard, this transition from helping DCs with everything, to standing back and watching when they do everything for themselves. How do we avoid making mistakes, is it even possible to get this stage of parenting right? I bet my Mum still feels the same thing about me even now!

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Bletchley · 17/03/2012 15:58

Have you see Chesil Beach? I think problems through inexperience used to be really really common.

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/03/2012 18:10

Yes, Bletchley, I have read that. Shuddering a bit as I don't want DS to have any psychological problems as a result of this experience or as a result of me getting too involved. DH just says "he needs to get on with it!" But I think it is a bit more complicated than that.

I had a friend many years ago who told me that her parents only had sex once, on their wedding night, which resulted in her existence. They slept apart during decades of marriage as her DF loved his wife so much that he didn't wish to put her through anything she didn't want to do. And no, she wasn't doing the common teenage thing of imagining her parents didn't do "that"!

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AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 18:15

Gurl, you sound like a lovely mum

Original poster

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 17/03/2012 18:30

Thanks, AF, that means a lot. :)

DH is getting fed up with me going on about DS too much. Think I need to stop worrying and read a good book instead. Hope DS rings tomorrow and then I can have a nice Mother's Day chat instead :)

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