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Original poster

Socialising your child when you don't mix with school parents. Does your child suffer?

19 replies

PavlovtheCat · 16/03/2012 20:23

Not sure who to ord the title, so, sorry if confusing!

If you don't do the school run often, because dad does it, or they go to before/after school club, or you drop/collect and run, or you simply don't fit into The Clique for whatever reason, choice, lack of time...

Does your lack of friendships/ part of The Clique affect your child socialising with the other children outside of school, for example birthdays, tea at their houses after school, othe events that might be organised? How do you overcome your lack of friends with oth parents to keep your child socialised?

DD started reception seemingly verypopular with other children, got on with lots of children, but as time has progressed, friendships seemed to have developed largely through the friendships parents have developed themselves, and less about the friends that seem to gets on well.

I feel DD is missing out, and her social nature may be affected by it. She does go to a couple of friends from time to time, but lots of the parents are friends socially now (v small school) and so those children often all get together, and they are those, some of them anyway that Bella loves playing with. So she thinks it is because they don't like her very much and that is why they don't want her to go to their houses, soft play etc, and often now leave her out at school play as they have developed their friendships outside of school.

I am not particularly bothed about The Clique. I am too tired to socialise with my own friends a lot of the time! But I worry for DD as she's is a very good natured confident and happy little girl, I don't want her to be sad at lack of friends at school.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 16/03/2012 20:27

I rarely do the school run as i work FT

It's hard but DS does have play dates which are arranged by his nanny who does see lots of the parents

I have enrolled DS in other activities out of school to get him into other social settings and make a different circle of friends

TBH I can do without the whole playdate thing and DS is still at an age when he's happy to spend time with us so I am enjoying that

I remember myself, making friends at around 8/9/10 and having a small but tight circle of friends

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 16/03/2012 20:54

I got to get out of my comfort zone, and takeoff my invisibility cloak when I do go get DD from school...

OP posts:

Mumofjz · 16/03/2012 22:03

my DD is in yr 5 and until recently only did the morning drop off so never really had much time or inclination to join the clique - i do think it has affected some friendships as she doesn't see them outside of school but inside school they all still play really well together and never seem to exclude anyone. If she has a friendly nature (which she seems) the friendships through out school will grow. Remember, she's still only in reception and friendships at this age are very fickle :)

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2012 22:10

I've wondered about this, because though I do 99% of drop off and pick up (DS dad doesn't live with us) I am not really friendly with any of the other parents, though there's no hostility. Mind you DS is only in year 2 and so far doesn't seem bothered; he has friends he plays with at playtime and outside of school we sometimes hang out with other friends of mine from out of the area who have DC he likes.

MariaFormosa · 16/03/2012 22:22

Are you absolutely certain that there IS a clique? I know it can sometimes seem like this, but it's often the case that people aren't quite as close to each other as it might seem ... ? Also, I've noticed people kind of move in and out with each other - it's early days yet for you, so give it time - it does take time for real connections to grow.

How about out of school activities like Rainbows (my dd, age 6, loves this?). I think the worse thing for your dd would be for you to be worrying about it excessively, although I know how hard it can be not to.

HateBeingASchoolMum · 16/03/2012 23:02

This thread has interested me as The Clique in our school is particularly strong amongst a group of mums who have kids in yr2 and have been particularly obvious in the way they exclude other parents and children.
Only certain children getting invited to birthday parties, only these parents are part of the Friends of the School and raising funds for the school, these parents have their own facebook group.
I absolutely abhor the school pick up and that is when they congregate the most.

nappydays1 · 16/03/2012 23:12

Didn't want to read and run...........same here

NightLark · 16/03/2012 23:19

I've wondered the same - I am fairly solitary by nature and only do school run twice a week. I speak to lots of people but never take it any further. As the reception year child 'pack' has dissipated DS is left with (in his opinion) no friends, though he gets invited to lots of parties...

I do wonder if it is my fault for not engineering friendships with the other mums and the whole playdate scene (which thrives in his school).

Beavers round by us has a 'don't even bother joining the waiting list' policy as they are so oversubscribed, and DS loathes football so I am a little stuck for activities.

DunderMifflin · 16/03/2012 23:35

I'm not in the clique here either - I used to worry too but my DD does lots of activities at school and has many friends - I don't want to be friends with the cliquers (!) and enjoy w/e's spent together so have stopped worrying!

HateBeingASchoolMum · 17/03/2012 06:03

My children do no after school activities at the school so they don't socialise with the children in organised activities at the school. There is one child who my children do regular playdates with but when you have three children under six and commit to collecting and dropping of another child it doesn't become easy. My children do activities like swimming and music after school at other venues so I am driving them elsewhere.
I cannot understand the mentality of the clique - if a new person started at work you would welcome them to your work environment and show them the ropes and ask them for coffee/lunch. But at the school gates theymake no one welcome and the few times I have breached the group the conversations stop dead and everyone waits until you move away.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 17/03/2012 07:02

Lots of good posts here glad to know I am not alone!

Sorry, I should have said she is now in yr 1, it is as nighlark said, there was a reception momentus of some kind that had dissipated. Although DH told me last might that her closest friend is sad with her because she has other friends so she probably has more than she lets on.

I am, like lots a here, a bit of a loner. I have my own close knit group of friends and get on well with everyone, but am not one for hanging around gossiping. I talk to the parents fine, even have a laugh but I don't get to the school gates 20 mins early to stand around and gossip, i get there by the skin of my teeth! I do drop off and collection twice a week or so.

Mt of the school activities are for yr2 onwards so maybe she will pick up some closer ties as she does these. She does gymnastics, but it is a large group so hard and chaotic so no chance to even talk to the parents there!

I am sure I am worrying unnecessarily, and I guess worrying is probably too strong a word, more, cautious that my own behaviour could affect DD ability to form friendships as she grows so want to make sure I behave in a way that shows her how to make friends. I do not let her here my worries, I am upbeat and positive at school, about her friends, and when she feels she is not loved by her class mates we talk about all those she plays with and how much they like her.

OP posts:

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 17/03/2012 07:09

hatebeingaschoolmum I think some of the clique is around the friends of the school thing which I simply don't have time to join, but not all of it is. I am not entirely sure there is a clique, but certainly there a group of friends who have formed way go to the pub, go to the adult birthday gatherings with the kids etc,, meet for soft play or picnics etc. I don't mind missing out on that myself, it's just how that affects DDs socialising.

I will wait for a year or two and how things go. And in anticipation of me having to take myself outof my shell I have emailed a mum, one of the ones who's son loves DD and vice ver but we have rarely spoken (have her email as she rented the church hall for birthday parties) recently, and asked if the kids want to meet up outside of school one day. She is not one of the cliquey group either.

OP posts:

seeker · 17/03/2012 07:23

As children get older thy do their own inviting to tea. Social engineering my parents only works on very little ones! Just make sur your child knows what's possible- if ther are particular days that don't work for example. Y

But keep an open mind. There are cliques, but most are just groups of people who know each other. The people in the are probably just as shy/uncertain- whatever- as you are, so they cling to the people they know. And it's very difficult to include newcomers who look aloof, who drop and run or who project an "I've got enough friends already" vibe.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that "mums at school" are somehow a different species.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 17/03/2012 11:59

seeker oh I don't think that! I know they are friends who live near each other or who happen to have the time to chat. And all the parents seem really friendly to talk to, clique or not. I know it's not deliberate, it's just how it is that I aphave little time to stop and chat, and thus little inclination, and is its a vicious circle. I wonder if I appear aloof ? I probably do, although generally it is due to being late, or ore occupied with a million other things, I simply not there. DH does much of the school run and be gets on great with the mums! And in fact he does arrange most the play dates DD has been invited to in the past, but he does not really do chitchat! He just smiles as they adore our DS!

I probably look really unapproachable. I know at least one mum is a bit intimidated by my job, maybe others do too? I hope also gave a tattoo, lip piercing...but, often wear a suit with it! Maybe mums just don't know what to make of me...

OP posts:

DadIsSad · 17/03/2012 22:06

In the OP: "If you don't do the school run often, because dad does it" - in which case why can't dad make the contact? To be fair, DS is still in reception where it's presumably easier - also there doesn't seem to be a clique at our school - or maybe there is and I've not noticed, being oblivious about these things as a bloke (or stranger still, given I regularly speak to several of the other parents, maybe I'm in it without having noticed!) In a strange way, if there is a clique, then surely it's actually easier for a dad to make contact? I don't know - I'm still not sure I even understand the context of the clique, so maybe I'm talking a load of rubbish.

I do most of the school runs, and despite being pretty rubbish at social interaction myself, DS has been on playdates with several different kids - if I can manage to talk to the mums to arrange this, then it can't really be all that difficult for a dad. Why the implication that this is a mum's job? I mean when other kids have been round to ours, I've been at home looking after them!

ceebeegeebies · 17/03/2012 22:20

Hatebeingaschoolmum are your DC at my school?? Everything you have said - clique being because the mums have DC in Yr2, Friends of the School - all ring very true of the school my DS1 goes to.

I am on the edges of the clique - I was invited to a social gathering as my DS1 went swimming with one of the cliquey mums and they persuaded me to join the Friends of the School. However, I am a rubbish member as DH works away a lot so I miss all the meetings and, on the off chance DH is at home, I would rather go to the gym However, if you were to see me, you would probably think I was in the clique as I do go over and talk to the cliqey parents but it is very superficial and I don't really have anything in common with them but now feel obliged to go over and chat to them at drop-off/pick ups!

As it is DS1's best friend at school is his friend that he has had since he started nursery at 6 months old and his next best friends are also friends from nursery so I do know the mums quite wellso do chat to them aswell (they aren't in the clique).

Pav not sure that this is, in any way, answering your OP but I do think the DC will make their own friends and then you can start to get to know the parents of those children and you might develop friendships from there. If your DD is sociable, she will make friends so please don't worry

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2012 22:39

How often do you invite the other children to yours?

GeekPie · 17/03/2012 22:39

I feel a lot like you do.

DD is in reception. I drop her and pick her up most of the time.

But drop off is at 8.45 and I need to be at work for 9.

I leave work at 3 and pick her up at 3.15.

And it's 15 minutes drive to work.....

So it's literally drop off and leg it back to the car. And I often turn up for pick up at 3.17 when most parents have are leaving.

Other mums seem to be SAHMs, on maternity leave or only work a few days a week so have more time to stand around chatting. They look more relaxed whilst I always look stressed and hurried.

I'm a bit worried about DD's friendships too - whilst she's confident and chatty she's also very stubborn and also a bit odd at times (in a nice way, she just lives a fantasy world, still has imaginary friends that she talks about to everyone). Most girls in her class seem a lot more 'streetwise' if that makes sense.

She's a summer birthday so still very young, and I think school has knocked her confidence quite a bit :( I feel quite guilty that I don't have time to do the school gate socialising, as it might help. But things are how they are.

solidgoldbrass · 18/03/2012 08:48

I think a lot of the parents at DS school knew each other already: the school is in the middle of a huge sprawling estate where a lot of them live. It's also true that several of the parents of DC in DS year have older children who went to the same school, whereas DS is my only one, I am about 15 years older than most of the other mums and we only moved to the area when DS was a baby. I have made a bit of an effort before now, swapping phone numbers with the mums of the kids DS gets on with the best but it never seems to go further than that.

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