Do I have to give her a Mothers day card ?

[Pippa5l]

Long story as usual, but very bad relationship with my Mother. Shes always been very angry, jealous, judgemental, bullying, manipulative and generally negative since my dad died 7 years ago. We had a recent row where she stormed out of my house slamming the doors really violently. Im still very angry with her. Do I give her a card and chocs on Sunday which I have bought through habit but I dont feel like giving them and dont mean the pre printed words written in the card. Should I get over myself or stand up for myself ?

I wouldn't pippa, but it depends on whether it'll cause major ructions and if that bothers you.
I'm not sending my mother one, she lives abroad and sees us once in a blue moon. Cant be doing with the insincerity myself.

No, you do not have to send her a card at all. You should not have to feel so obligated to your mother.

How did she treat you when your Dad was alive?. Looking back did she behave just the same?.

You don't have to do anything at all. Do as you feel you want.

I have a terrible relationship with my mother, she is a self centred, controlling, narcissistic bitch TBH. I find it very difficult as I can't possibly give her a card saying you're a wonderful mother, as she's not. However, my own feelings of guilt and unworthiness make me send her a simple happy mother's day card, thereby reducing the metaphorical stick she beats me with by a mm or so :(

Don't do anything insincere. If you want to retain the moral high-ground, a fairly blank card saying the bare minimum achieves it. If she's as bad as you describe, don't feel you have to do anything out of duty.

I wouldn't if an adult had slammed the door and stormed out on me .... why should you put up with that sort of behaviour? Did you argue back with her or was it a 'one way' shouting match. If you behaved calmly and maturely yourself then you can just ignore her, but perhaps be gracious when (if) she apologises.

Supposing she wasn't your mum, but a friend/acquaintance/much-more-distant-relative. And it's not Mothers Day, it's her birthday. Would you send her a card?

I'm not trying to suggest what you should do, I just think that it might help you to think more clearly about it if you remove the whole "but she is My Mother" guilt trip thing from the equation.

But def eat the chocs yourself. You don't reward door-slammers with chocolate, any mum knows that .

Thanks for all our replies, I think I will buy a new blank card and just sign my name, I can'b be sweet and loving when I dont feel it. The arguement was started by her, I did retaliate but backed off quite quickly when I realised as usual she wanted the last word , was being really nasty, and wasnt going to stop, then she left banging the doors really violently. Ive had subsequent emails saying Im probably still angry and completely ignoring her behaviour but no apology. For the record my Mother has never ever said sorry. Its tiring, boring and Ive always had this from her. She doesnt behave like this to my brother or sister. Anyway I appreciate the replies and has made me feel not so over sensitive as she always tells me I am when she has behaved horribly which is often.

Pippa

I would not buy a blank card, infact I would not buy her a card at all. You do not need to seek her approval, not that she would ever give it anyway. Many children now adults of toxic parents often have FOG with regards to the parents - fear, obligation, guilt. It can be all encompassing and has a knock on effect on all aspects of life.

I would instead buy a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as you have become the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. BTW such toxic people never apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions.

Would also suggest you block her e-mail address. You would not let a friend treat you like this, she is really no different in that regard.

Attila is bang on the money there.

Why should you buy anything at all for such a rude and ill mannered person? Why would you want such a person in your life at all? The word "mother" is a verb too...I don't see much mothering going on from her!

Toxic Parents is a great book. As is Homecoming by John Bradshaw, and The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. Also the website, Out if The Fog is worth a look.

It helped me a lot to realise how widespread this is. I thought it was just me.....but it isn't....this is where the brothers Grimm got their wicked "step" mother characters from!

Get yourself something instead!

I thought it was just me, always the black sheep, the trouble maker etc. Its taken me years to realise that because she knows I always feel guilt and feel things are my fault I always fall back into where I am supposed to be so she can bully me again. Thanks for the book recommendations, I really will investigate them. Ive had plenty of counselling over the years but its difficult to change a relationship with a person if they dont want to. I also realise she is old and who knows how many years she will have left. I dont want to feel when she goes that our relationship never recovered which is why I keep trying, and it never ever works. Oh dear

I don't send one to my Dad as a matter of principle - it would be insincere of me to say he was the 'best Dad' when I know this not to be true.
Good luck dealing with this Pippa.

I'd buy yourself a nice box of chocolates and wine instead ...that's what I do for mothers day .

I find it much more appreciated than the gifts I used to give to my mother.

I felt the same about my Mother. I'm afraid I did use to send her a card because I didn't want to deal with the fall out of her not getting one.

A card kept her quiet as far as I was concerned, it was minimal effort for peace in return. So I feel it was worth it.

I used to just send a very simple card, there was no slushy poem in hte middle.

Do as you feel is right in the inner core of your being - not the part of you that is clouded by her manipulation and societal expectations.

I personally recommend eating the chocs yourself, while reading your brand-new copy of [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331919401&sr=1-3 "Toxic Parents"] or [http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Mother-Cant-Friends/dp/0385304234/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331919401&sr=1-1 "When you and your mother can't be friends"]

urgh, screwed up links

Toxic parents

When you and your mother can't be friends

Attila is absolutely right, as usual in these circumstances. However, not everyone is at the stage, or ever will be, of being able to actively cut contact. I know that I'm not (at the age of 44) for many reasons - my kids, my Dad, feel sorry for her etc, etc. I compromise with myself by buying cards with minimal messages inside.

You have to do what feels acceptable for you. Maybe in the future you might be at a stage where you can just not bother or maybe you wont.

Or you could print a Tesco Value Mother's Day card for her ...

Bertha, that is quite funny ... . I like the "sincerity guaranteed".

To OP, I think its good to listen to what your heart says. Except in the case of blatent self-interest (!), doing nice things for unpleasant people always makes me feel a bit ill ....