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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Re: honesty often not best policy

21 replies

lolaflores · 16/03/2012 14:14

I have stated my intentions to my friend, that as long as war fare rumbles along in her house and with her DH, I will remove myself to sidelines. Llike a big fucking coward I sent a text. tried to tell her yesterday, but she wouldn't shut up for 2 minutes on the ongoing ding dongs.
As her DH said I am no longer welcome in their house and what have you, I thought it best to just melt into the scenery.
I came to the conclusion as this has been the state of affairs for them since day 1 and I see no hope of anything changing. Also, her DS1 has raised his hand once to often to my DD2. He went through me yesterday to hit her. He had also just gone for a child walking up the road with nothing to do with him.
I do not have the emotional capacity for it, some people thrive in conflict and i end up in not too good a shape.
Wish me luck people, got to negotiate school now. she has not replied but wait and see.

OP posts:

HoudiniHissy · 16/03/2012 14:29

So your friend is being abused, her kids too, and they are acting out and you can't handle it so backed off.

Right oh then.

Thank God for Woman's Aid/Refuge/Social Services.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2012 14:30

Good luck. If 'negotiating school' means that your paths will cross, remain polite and civil but turn down offers of visits etc. so that she gets the message you're serious. You may have to explain it again so be prepared. Funny how it's easier to dump a boyfriend than it is to dump a mate...

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/03/2012 15:44

houdini my own mental health at this point is unable to withstand the tide of it all. My daughter is not her son's punchbag, final. I am not the receptacle for the spill over from her in law's and husbands shite.
The guilt trip there is wasted on me, I am not bailing on someone cos I am bored, but because this having taking a toll on me that I am no longer willing to give.

saw her at the school. went over the points in the text. she was annoyed as she was sure DH will let it all blow over. I asked "till the next time?"
They wanted us to go to the park, we declined.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2012 15:56

Well done. We all have problems and, when push comes to shove, we have to prioritise ourselves and our families over other people. You've done what you can and you're stepping back quite wisely, by the sound of it. It's not selfish in the slightest.

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/03/2012 16:34

cogito thank you for your understanding. It is difficult to be heard above the constant state of crisis in their house.
By the way, her husband is a mental health professional...he works at the out patient clinic I go to.
At this present time, I am in the middle of a very bad bi polar cycle and can hardly see the woods for the trees never mind unravel he said she said for someone else and unwittingly get caught in the cross fire. feel a bit shit about myself, but a bit more honest at least.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/03/2012 18:48

I hope you don't have to deal with her husband at the clinic, OP. Can you make sure that your records can't be read by him?

I'm sorry you're in the middle of a really bad time yourself and hope you can get help for that. You've done the right thing in keeping away from them. You have to look after your child and look after yourself. Well done for dealing with her in the way you have - you've been really brave.

ImperialBlether · 16/03/2012 18:49

It's awful that he is a MH professional yet his own house is chaos. How hypocritical that he can't put his own house in order.

Stellaz · 16/03/2012 18:52

Quite right. Look after you and yours first, others come later.

You know Houdini you can help, help then help some more certain people until you are blue in the face.

If it affecting YOU then you need to step back. Especially if you have responsibilities of your own.

Chrononaut · 16/03/2012 19:19

no advice, but i think you did the right thing op, especially if their DS is hurting your own child

Original poster

lolaflores · 17/03/2012 06:44

I have vocalised my wish that Her DH cannot access my records and have gone beserk each time I have found him alluded to in my notes after this. Once or twice we have bumped into each other up there, when he has been on duty. Wanted the ground to open up.

She has left him before but when it looked like his behaviour was going to mean supervised visits with DS, he changed tack. he is worried about taints on his career. it is obscene really.

I have been in an abusive relationship, I know how it is. But, i don't have to be bullied from a distance by anyone.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Much appreciated indeed

OP posts:

treadwarily · 17/03/2012 09:50

OP you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself, it is absolutely sensible. And sometimes helping people like your friend only serves to enable. There are times when stepping back is far more helpful.

Sounds to me as though you taking an important step in prioritising your health which is v positive.

Original poster

lolaflores · 17/03/2012 13:00

This is a first for me, but I have been so "unwell" it is the only answer. Funny thing is, there only seems to be space for their marital disputes in conversations. It always comes back to it and there is nothing left for me to say on the topic. she knows where I stand. blue in the fface here.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2012 13:18

It's really not unusual for people to think their problems are very interesting to everyone else. They are life's 'takers'... attention-seeking (often with good reason), happy to rehash their problems over and over again, but never willing to actually do something about it. If you're a sympathetic friend you can get suckered into their nightmare all too easily. If you step aside, they'll find someone else to offload on.

Bet she rarely asks how you're feeling....

Original poster

lolaflores · 17/03/2012 14:38

rarely. a cursory, how are you, gasp of breath and then "you won't believe what he has done this time". fair enough. it is usually fucking shocking and i see my own things recede into "not in the same league". drama is addictive is it not. I tried to tell her how I was feeling but she simply would not shut up long enough. And I do notice a glazed expression when i talk.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 15:11

lola are you cutting contact with her completely or simply taking a bit of a backseat and not getting sucked in to her problems ?

Original poster

lolaflores · 17/03/2012 17:35

Keeping a lower profile round her. i.e. being in big groups for chats. not getting cut out of the crowd for more intimate chats. Arms length. Keeping her DS1 out of my DD's range of fire as well would make things a little less harrassing. he makes the home run in the afternoon tense. It is the time of the day when he has most often taken a swing at her. All nice and friendly like, but stepping away from the heart of the vortex.

OP posts:

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/03/2012 17:42

I think you're doing the right thing too. You have to look after yourself and your dd, and tbh it doesn't sound like things are going to change for their situation so you being involved in it isn't going to help anyway

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 17:48

I had to do this with a friend of mine. It became clear she didn't want to actually change her situation, she simply wanted somewhere to vent so that she could go straight back to it. I told her I could no longer collude with that.

I didn't break contact completely, just refused to be a part of it all the madness.

He eventually forced her hand by taking up with one of our other friends, rubbing it in her face and beating her up. So after all my years of trying to make her see he was an absolute arsehole to her, he did it himself in the end.

Original poster

lolaflores · 17/03/2012 17:50

With the best will in the world, with all that is occurring all the time for her and her family, nothing much of any sort is going to make a difference. to watch it is soul destroying in honesty.
I was in that once. I took my eldest and got the fuck out. I know it is not the same for everyone, but I have said what I can say, I cannot do anymore.

OP posts:

NoWayNoHow · 17/03/2012 17:52

How old is your DD/their DS?

Personally I think you're doing the right thing. You're not cutting contact with her, but you're restricting the opportunities for you to be dragged into the latest crisis when your advice has clearly thus far gone unheeded, and you're also protecting your DD.

Original poster

lolaflores · 17/03/2012 18:06

He is 5, she is 4 in a few weeks and he is pretty fast with his fists. He went through me to hit her the other day on the way home. I managed to body block him though. Her response to it did not fill me with hope that this would be the last occasion. My DH has had to fend him off her whilst he was on his scooter. He has thrown himself in front of her scooter when she has been beating him in a race, pitching her into a hedge. So far, she has never managed to get him to apologise or just can't be arsed. That is what hurts the most. In a house with so much aggression, she is unable to see her own son's behaviour as unacceptable. So fucked up

OP posts:

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