Are there any positive stories following affairs how to trust again

[overdraft]

Does anyone know anyone who has sucessfuly mended a realationship after the fall out of an affair.
Why do so many people give second chances.I am rebuilding at the moment but the trust is not coming easy for me.My dh has changed so much and in fact we have a better realationship than before.He does nothing to make me not trust him.Trouble is dispite my dad cheating on my mum i trusted him with my life and now he has ruined it.
We love each other very much but the pain off being a woman who doesn't trust is tearing me apart.

I think people put too much emphasis on trust. You obviously trusted him before and despite that he still had an affair. Trust brings you nothing. It doesnt guarantee faithfulness, a better life, more friends, a better job, a happy fulfilled marriage, not even peace of mind. I wouldnt worry about whether you can trust him again or not as it makes no difference. It would be better to place the emphasis on the reasons behind it, whether you want to carry on and what you can learn from the experience and whether you can put it behind you and this will probably be a long slow process but only you can decide whether you can surpass the difficulties.

I'd like to say we have overdraft but I think i should still be saying we are.
I think it is a slow on going process to trust again and I think you need to draw a distinction between the trust that he'll stay faithful and the trust that he really did make a mistake and truely wants to be with you again.
After two years I trust my dh to work away, go out be with other women- I know he'll never have another affair again.
What i haven't yet conquered is the trust that he really wants to be with me and loves me as much as he should ( you know the question- if you truely love me how could you do what you did?)
As to why so many give second chances- well it depends on the circumstances but I think some where along the understanding process you realise your dh is human and a man (a bit cynical these days!) and has so much goodness towards you that you feel they deserve to be allowed a misyake- that was my view. For me I weighed up 20 years of a fantastic life together against about 1 year of him "losing the plot".
I have to say if he wasn't acting the way he is and still proving to me what afool he was and how sorry he is I'd have moved on a long time ago.
However I understand fully the pain you describe- you do not want to be this way- you never were then he betrays you and now you cannot undo the knowledge. Time will help and how he acts but I think there will always be an undrlying sadness you just have to decide if you can live with that.

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It has been 8 months now. He is attentive and i know now he really cares for me.He says that he is so so lucky.He says he was lucky in the first place to have me.He didn't realise and appreciate me and now i know he can't belive he has not lost me.He is so in love with me and puts me first always ( he never done this before). He said he will feel like this for the rest of his life.The affair was so not his nature anyway and he has struggled coming to terms with why he done it in the first place.

I just hear so many stories of people who forgave affairs and then they went on to have another one. Do you think their partners were like mine to begin with or just serial cheaters.

Hand on heart i think i am 99% sure he would never do it again.Just wished i could take a pill to forget

Feeling really low and been having an awful week

Trifel i think they are great words too and i will re read them when i am feeling down too. I always think of you maturer when i am in a crisis moment because you are so positive.Mind you I am mostly positive too.

It is possible to live happily ever after, it will take time though and you may never completely trust him - just think, you trusted him completely before this and look what happened! Trusting and loving somebody won't stop them having an affair unfortunately - you've already said you love each other so if you want it to work you just need to look forward not back.

Communicate truthfully with each other, you need to know how each other is feeling without going over old ground, there will be times when it gets to you or you argue and stupid things get said but it will get easier if you want it too. Hopefully it will make you stronger in the end.

best friend's husband had affair with work acquaintance

they separated

they got counselling

they got back together

they then went on to have three children and the closest marriage i know

they both had to address their own failings, weaknesses, etc, but it did have a happy ending

best friend's husband had affair with work acquaintance

they separated

they got counselling

they got back together

they then went on to have three children and the closest marriage i know

they both had to address their own failings, weaknesses, etc, but it did have a happy ending

I don't think it ever goes away. Today i rang dh in work to be told he left 25 mins ago and had that sinking feeling all over again - butterflies, feeling sick, thinking where on earth is he. Immediatly rang his mobile thinking he;s not going to answer when he did he had gone to the other office and came home 20 mins later. It's not that I think he will do it again but its those feelings of when it all first kicked off that are so difficult to deal with. IYSWIM

Overdraft, going through the same thing here. So know exactly how you feel. DH had an affair with colleague for a year for me to find out on arrival in US. Good start. Trying to rebuild what we had but he's still at the blame me for he's failings and of course I'm blaming me for everything. It's very hard especially when I have to keep going every day for two small ds's. But I do. Like you I wish that I could wake up and discover it'd all been a nightmare.

Hey girls- we are all strong and determined and we will have times when it's hard to be like this.
When I first found out the thought of what dh had done, the details, the lies the need to know more consumed my every thought- I felt in constant pain.

Gradually (after counselling and him opening up and coming back to the real world- because affairs are just pure fantasy and escapism) I'd realise I'd got through the morning without thinking about it. Then the day now it still enters my hesd at least once a day but it seldom dwells- I can look forward more and feel good about us and in a way stronger about how we are tigether. It's kind of he's been there ,tried it realised what a huge mistake he made and is so appreciative now of all the small things in our lives that he knows he nearly lost- he'll never go there again.
The thing is we (girls) know those things always have always will- men however lose sight of them and sometimes blow it before they wake up to that knowledge, before they look at the grass right under their feet.
Overdraft- remember you do not have to forgive him ever- I don't think I will my dh- some things in life are unforgivable ( my counsellor said that to me and I suddenly thought- yes you're right). You do however have to try and make some peace with it- that's the bit we are struggling with- and decide if you can go on with this knowledge.
Keep up the fight everyone!

My husband had a fairly brief affair/frienship with some women last year all in all it lasted about four weeks, he swears there was no sex involved - Im not sure about that. We worked through our problems at the time, went for councelling and seemed to have moved on from it on the surface. He is doing all the right things to prove his love to me and I have to reason to worry that it might happen again and I am 99% sure he has never had contact with this women again. So why do I think about it all the time, day and night, why does it take over my thoughts and my life, I was never a jeolous person before and was quite trusting and I have surprised myself by not being as obsessive as I thought I woould be when we decided to put this behind us.

I go over every part of the betrayal in my head every day - what is the matter of me when will this obsessiveness go. I cannot stand they way this creeps into my thoughts 24/7

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can let go?

If you are constantly going over & over something it can be a sign that you haven't "dealt" with it yet - a bit like post traumatic stress disorder.
Would you consider going to counselling? Talking through it all may help you lay it to rest so to speak.

I would Bugsby, I would do anything, I even thought of hypnosis to see if that would help. We did go for councelling together which did help a great deal at the time. Maybe your right though.

Going on your own could be well worth it. I split up from ex-H nearly 3 yrs ago now & I started having counselling about 6 months ago. I've found it really, really helpful & have much better self-esteem. It is a good way of taking a look at yourself and working through a problem that is bothering you.

Hi get over it.
sorry that you are going through it too.I too was never a jealous person before which is probaly why it happened in front of my eyes.I was even glad he had something in common and had made a friend ( he finds this so hard to do). Now i am constantly accessing every female that comes into contact with us and wonder about her motives.It is horrible.Dh does all the right things too but it is me who feels really unsettled with myself and how i feel. I just want to get back to not being relaxed.

being relaxed i meant to say

Hi,I think it's a process you have to go through- it's slow and painful. It was atrauma in your life and you have to keep revisiting it to make sense of it.
I understand how you feel as do overdraft and so many others who are going through the same. recently in a thread when I was down I wondered would I still feel like this when I'm 80?
There is still not a day goes by when it doesn't enter my thoughts but more and more I can push it away- when I compare to ayear ago every spare moment I thought about the details of the betrayal- still have bad days- mainly linked to pmt!!!!!!!!!! but slowly very slowly moving on.
I have been thinking about perhaps going back to my counsellor for a "top up" as sometimes the sadness overwhelms- yet I know I want to be with dh and I trust him again and he is trying so hard to put it all right again- it's the pain of knowing you can never undo the knowledge, it's so hard at times.
I did counselling by myself for about 6 mths it did really help- it helped me know what I wanted and see it wasn't my fault and appreciate the good things we had in our relationship which so outweighed the bad times when he was having an affair.
One day at atime - getoverit- thatr's the only way and keep talking to your dh if he truely wants to make it right again he'll keep with you and take it on the chin.