Just separated - 50/50 split is breaking my heart

[rockinastocking]

Hi.

My husband moved out on Wednesday. An amicable split, with 50/50 childcare.

I'll have the children three nights one week, four nights the next, over the weekends.

He took the children with him, and I haven't slept for two nights.

It's breaking my heart.

They are 11 and 13.

Someone please tell me this gets better.

I understand you must feel to blame for the split but I really think you should now put that to one side and work together for the benefit of your children, and I doubt him moving 20 miles away is for the benefit of your children.

Perhaps he could reconsider where he lives, surely thats what will be best for the DC. You might have behaved "badly" but at some point you have to stop paying penance and move on from this.

You tried to make your marriage work, but it didnt, please dont allow you ex to control the situation because you feel gulity. 20 miles between homes for a 50/50 split is going to make it very diffcult for your DC.

I hope it works out well for you all.

It will get better.

It's difficult to say this and I don't want you to take it badly as that's not at all how it's intended - just something to be aware of.

Please be careful you don't project your feelings of missing the children onto them. They will miss you but they will adapt quicker than you - which is a good thing for them. Kids can be very "in the moment" and they will enjoy being at their dads and then enjoy being with you and won't necessarily give the other parent too much thought when they are away from them. This is all good and you need to encourage this for their sake.

If you go onto the step-parenting forum it is full of awful stories about kids not being able to talk about what they have done at their dads, feeling guilty for enjoying themselves away from their mum and not feeling able to talk about their other home for fear of upsetting their mum.

Hard as it is you need to let them have their time at their dads and enjoy it and not be worried about you missing them. My dh exw rings our house every day the kids are here (50% of the time) and it does cause problems. Youngest dsd especially feels that she has to say she is missing mummy - mainly because mummy asks her if she is missing her! dsd's voice completely changes when she goes on the phone to her mum. She puts on this really sad, feeble little voice when 5 minutes before she has been having a whale of a time. She knows that's what her mum wants and it's not fair.

In time you will learn to enjoy the time you have to yourself. I know that feels impossible right now but it will happen. And it is OK for you to miss them and them to miss you - but you mustn't make it bigger than it needs to be.

I tried telling him that but he insisted, so I offered to move to the same town and he wouldn't let me do that either, in case he saw me with someone else.

I've got an offer on a house closer to where they are though, and it's twenty minutes door to door.

My ex and I have a 50/50 split with my 4 year old that has been in operation for exactly a year this week. That first week was hellish, but it got better and was actually fine after a bit. Hang on there, the acute missing them will pass.

Oh, I'd never do that, glass. I'm very upbeat to the boys. They're at the centre of everything.

I'm in the sticks and their dad is now in a town with loads of shops/facilities close at hand so it's brilliant for them.

I'll just cry on here

You tried to make your marriage work, but it didnt, please dont allow you ex to control the situation because you feel gulity.

yy, what PinkBraces said :)

When I split from my ex I thought I would never stop crying. It is so hard but you will be OK - better, eventually, as your marriage wasn't happy and you now have a chance to make a better life.

Wishing you lots of love and luck.

Thank you. And thank you for not judging me.

it will get easier as time goes on. You may even find you enjoy your new freedom.

maleview makes a very good point - the empty nest emotion is very strong and can take you by surprise. I remember having such a feeling of loss and also a feeling of redundancy.

well done on the 50/50, if you and your ex can make it work you boys will thank-you. Genuinely putting the dc's needs first is so tough and requires an unselfish nature but the payback comes later when you have have raised well adjusted happy children who have a good relationship with both parents.

Rockin, I'm so sad for you. Even if you'll get used to the arrangement, and I really take on board what people are saying that you will feel better and eventually get to enjoy some freedom; I'm a bit worried/concerned that you say he insisted. Did he insist on the 50 50 split, or just the moving far away and you not being allowed (think you said he wouldn't let you) to move to the same town as him?

Have the children changed schools for it to be exactly the same distance between your homes or did they already go to that school ten miles away due to you being out in the sticks or something?

It should be worked out for what is best for the DCs, not whose fault he says it is that you seperated, or even whose fault you think it is.

I agree that you he shouldn't be controlling what happens based on percieved blame. (sorry, can't roll up now to see who I think said words to that effect). I'm not saying that is definately what's happening, as we only have a few words on a page as they say, but I get the feeling it might be what's happening.

Please don't feel you have to answer my rather blunt questions if you don't want to and just want some comfort.

He wanted the 50/50, and I agreed really. The boys love their dad and they need us both. Although a couple of nights a week and every other weekend would have suited me, it's not about me, is it?

The boys have stayed at the same school. We wanted them to have stability.

H can be a bit controlling. It was one of the problems we had.

Sorry he insisted on moving far away too. He does a fair bit of insisting

"just hope they are doing better than me". "it isn't about me is it?" You're clearly being selfless and trying to do what's best for them. I don't want to make you feel worse. I expect that even though they miss you, they will be doing better than you. But they might do even better if they do the thing of of alternate weekends and maybe a couple of nights a week. (you would have to be sure they had access to all their schoolbooks for homework etc. for the weeknights. It's getting more important due to their ages.)

Yet if one of the problems you had was he can be a bit controlling, and he does a fair bit of insisting..... and he doesn't want you to live in the same town as him in case he sees you with someone else, IMO this is about what's best for him, not you, and not the dcs neccessarily.

They've got the stability of school, but for half the time they are suddenly far away from their local friends, familiar surroundings etc. I suppose I should declare I have the view that if a parent would find it unsettling living in two homes, so would the children, they IMO, need a base. Where the partnership between parents was equal beforehand, and they live near to each other, it might work, but if he could be controlling, it wasn't an equal partnership, so I don't think equal parenting will work. I won't be offended if you don't agree with me, but I think you should think how much your trying to not it let be about you, is influenced by him.

Yes they need their Dad as well, but IMO that doesn't have to be for exactly the same amount of time as you. Especially if he can be a bit controlling, because if he's controlling with them as well, it's better if it's in small doses. I wonder if you have had any real life advice from experts? Wonder what your family has advised about the arrangement.

I hope someone will come along who can advise better than me. Meanwhile I hope you are able to talk to them on the phone or skype or something, particularly in the initial settling in time. And if they've been away for two nights already, comfort yourself you'll soon be together again.

Sorry if confusing got to post quick battery nearly gone and will lose post

Thank you. Both boys have mobiles, and my youngest in particular is constantly texting/ phoning. Older one not so much, but he can if he wants.

The boys said straight away they wanted to split time. We'll see how it pans out.

I get them back tonight!

That's great rockin. You can have a lovely weekend together.

You sound like you are doing really well OP. As I'm 7 months down the line from you I promise you it really really does get easier! You will cope, the children will cope and life will be much better than everyone living in a dead marriage.
Good luck

Ok - from a long standing step mum - I promise you will come to cherish your time alone and when the kids are with you it will be amazing!!

I got with my now DH when his DS was just four - My DSS now 13, comes to ours every night after school, then stays over 2 week nights and one weekend night, as well as extra in the hols, DH hated not being with his son full time and DSS's mum hated not having her son full time too. But we stuck with it and made it work, DSS goes from one house to the other and enjoys filling in the opposite parent about what he's been up too.
As everyone remarried both parents see DSS on Xmas day and Birthday and any major events are done as a four with his mum dad, step mum and step dad. We all get on fine and we can honestly say we have raised a fab kid who loves everyone and admits he is spoilt rotten you will get through the sad feelings and come to treasure your quiet nights catching up.

Good luck

Hi.. I felt as though the world had ended when we agreed to my stbx having DD 3 nights per week. . but i actually quite enjoy my 3 nights.. I've joined the gym.. I've been out with friends and to the cinema.. i also try to do chores when I'm not out galavanting so I can spend better quality time with DD. It will get better xx

rock have pm'd you

Oh I feel for you, Rockin. But I do promise you it does get better. You may not believe me now but you will probably, in time, get to the stage where you welcome a bit of space (especially when they're pubescent). Leave the housework that you can until they're away, do some batch cooking, you'll be more relaxed when they're there and busy when they are away.

There are some very kind people here. Thank you all so much. You've made me feel a lot better.

I'm glad this thread has helped you rockin. I hope you've been able to draw some hope and strength from it. You sound like a lovely Mum, so I think it's time you started to lay some of your ghosts to rest. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.

Time to start forgiving yourself. Remember you still have a voice in the decisions regarding your sons too.

Just a quick update for all those who so kindly helped me.

A couple of weeks in and things already seem brighter. The boys are adjusting, and I've renegotiated the arrangements so that instead of my ex having the boys every other Thursday, he will have them every other Saturday instead. This means that I'll never have to go Mon - Fri without having them, and I also get to have a social life that my ex doesn't have to be involved with.

So, it's gradually settling down.

Once again, thanks all. I was at rock bottom when I made my OP. The kindness of strangers can be overwhelming.

Glad you're feeling better - it's really all about the DC and their stability and happiness, isn't it?

We've got my DSS 50/50 (it's been several years now) and he's incredibly well adjusted to the situation - a very confident, out-going, happy child. In fact, quite early on in the arrangement, when he was about 6yo, at his own decision he even stopped calling his bioM 'mum' and now always calls her by her first name like he does me because he wanted both of his 'mums' at both of his homes have equal status. Very sweet boy!!

Hope you're getting to enjoy this fantastic weather with your boys. Stay strong and trust that you're doing the right thing to support them in their relationship with their father.