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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need a little advise if anyone can chat

16 replies

tezzagee · 15/03/2012 21:17

Me an my "friend" have been "friends" for about two years an the whole time we have been sleeping together he lives with me an me an my son both love him wen we argue he always says we r just mates but other times he says I have everythin I want he knws I love him more than anythin I just dunno wa to do no more I want to be in a relationship with him an it is like we r together until he has to throw we r only mates in my face wa do u think I should do

OP posts:

oikopolis · 15/03/2012 21:23

oh darling. i'm sorry this must be a very painful situation for you.

here is what i think. if he was a good man, he would either commit to you and be proud of you and love you and support you, OR if he didn't want a relationship, he would move on and let you move on too.

this isn't a good man, he's playing with your emotions and hurting you. he doesn't have your best interests at heart. if he did, he would do right by you!

you should stop sleeping with him. really you should. that complicates things so so much.

is the house/flat in your name? you should get him out, or leave with your son, so you can start afresh.

you don't want your son learning to be like that towards a woman. it's vile and dishonest.

pictish · 15/03/2012 21:29

Oh shit. Sorry to say it, but he's a wrong un.
He is toying with you. Keeping you close, then batting you away as he sees fit, making sure you don't get too confident and start having expectations...like being committed to, and treated with due care and respect.
He wants his cake and to eat it, basically.
I don't think that what you --need- want is of interest to him.

Way too shabby for tezza!

izzyizin · 15/03/2012 21:30

He's taking you for granted and taking the piss, isn't he?

Next time he comes out with the same old spiel, tell him that he can go bunk with one of his other mates and not to bother coming back until he's prepared to accord you the status you deserve.

I can see a couple of red flags waving; he sounds like a manchild who's afraid of commitment.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2012 21:36

he is using you, love

everything you need to know is right there,, in your own words

Original poster

tezzagee · 15/03/2012 21:39

He says its because his ex has made him like this he split with her an she stopped him from seeing his kids an there r other reasons too from the one before her but I love him so much and I dunno if I can keep doin this it hurts me so much wen he says things like he is gonna leave an wen we argue we r just mates I dnt want to loose him tbh but I dunno if I can do this no more he says he loves me back an he can give me everythin but I cnt have the title of his girl I dunno if I want it like this no more because I love him to much to just loose him wen he don't like somethin its so hard my heads all over the place

OP posts:

olgaga · 15/03/2012 21:40

Only you can decide whether you're prepared to put up with this, but ask yourself, honestly, can you see things changing? He doesn't sound like much of a friend, let alone a partner you can trust, or have a future with.

You and your son deserve better than this uncertainty.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2012 21:40

crazy ex stopped him seeing his kids

another red flag

oikopolis · 15/03/2012 21:44

i mean this very gently...

he is a grown man. if he says can't get over what his ex did to him, then he either has mental health problems and needs to talk to the GP about getting counselling, or he is just bullshitting you.

I think he is probably bullshitting you, and using his ex as a convenient excuse for his treatment of you. he probably finds it easier to just drop that bomb on you during arguments, because he can't be bothered to sort out the problems properly. he's trying to shut you up. and he knows if he hurts you, you'll shut up. which is just horrible of him.

i know you love him, but loves not enough. you've got to have respect. otherwise your son is going to learn very very sick ways of dealing with problems.

i'm sorry love, this is a bad bad bad situation and you need to get out of it. love isn't enough, it never is.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/03/2012 21:50

so one minute you are his partner and the next you are his mate? i would tell him i wasnt going to be his fuck buddy anymore - time to commit or let it go - this bloke wants his cake and eat it. You need to be really brave, gather up your self esteem and tell him he doesnt deserve you.

because he doesnt. This isnt a situation that i think would be healthy to tolerate long term and you will get hurt. ultimatum time - he will either go, or realise what he is about to lose and commit, but either way, you have to make a decision and so does he.
good luck

Original poster

tezzagee · 15/03/2012 21:55

Reading this I knw wa u r all saying is true an it hurts feels like my heart is gonna stop wen I think about is not being nothin any more its a no win situation for me I love him too much too stop an love him too much to carry on like this it has happened to me before an I should have seen the signs an should have stopped it before it happened it always seems like men just wanna be "friends" so I thinkin there must be somethin wrong with me I was in a 7 year relationship with my sons dad an had to end tha but after tha I have had 3 "friends" but this one I cnt let go he done somethin to me mentally tha I cnt let me go I never felt like this in my life not even for my bbys dad aarrrgggghhhhh my heads a mess

OP posts:

Jax2218 · 15/03/2012 22:19

Why do you love him so much? Could it be that his rejection of you is making you want him even more? Like you may one day change his mind? At the end of the day, he is telling you the truth he has it all but without the commitment to you. If he truley loved you, he would have commited to you by now. He is not your true friend either. Even if he isn't aware of it he is using you and this is very unhealthy. Get away from him, find your feet and live the life you deserve with your little one.

Find that strength, you can do it!

myheadsamarley · 15/03/2012 22:24

pet please try and figure out what YOU want - never mind him so much.... what are your hopes for the future? can you honestly see him in them? Maybe he does need help hon and try as you might, you may not be the best person to do this... try if you can to take a step back and focus on you and your dc.. you come first.. x

Original poster

tezzagee · 16/03/2012 09:42

I knw I need to figure things out I do love him an I do want him in my life its just so hard to think tha he wouldn't be apart of my life

OP posts:

olgaga · 16/03/2012 09:56

Trouble is it sounds as though he loves himself a damn sight more than you, far more than you could ever love him.

DinahMoHum · 16/03/2012 10:06

you love him but he doesnt love you back, otherwise he'd be happy to commit. FWB only ever work if youre both on the same page. You need to hold back even if its hard because hes using you for somewhere to live and for sex, and if you want more than that then its just not fair on you. He shouldnt be messing with your head like this.

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2012 10:12

This man wants his dinner cooked, his pants washed and his dick sucked when he feels inclined, but he also wants to be able to wander off and shag other women when he gets the chance. he is Not That Into You and using you in the purest sense of the word.

I think you may have been taught wrong and damaging lessons in the past, such as a woman needs a man in her life and a man is to be clung onto at any price; that your feelings don't matter and you should always put others' needs first, or that romantic love is supposed to involve constant misery and anxiety.

It's all bullshit. It's fine to be single, much better to be single than stuck in a relationship with a man who makes you miserable. You matter, your feelings and needs are important, and if you are going to have a couple-relationship, it should be with someone who is prepared to work in partnership with you, acknowledge and try to meet your needs and with whom you feel happy.

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