abusing my husband

[loeeloee]

I could write a long list of DH's good qualities. He's a devoted and loving father and partner. We've been together 6 yrs, married 4, and have 2 dc, both pre-school.

I was emotionally abused by my father throughout my childhood.

I am now destroying my marriage with my behaviour towards DH. I am abusing him and I don't know how to stop.

I am very controlling and I fly off the handle. We argued earlier today, and I slammed a kitchen cupboard closed and the glass in the door cracked. My temper was previously worse than this but I had made progress in controlling it.

I don't want DH to leave, but he shouldn't be being treated like this.

I can see clearly that I'm behaving exactly as my father did and it is terrifying me. I can't deal with disagreements or differences of opinion. The emotional abuse I went through involved being bullied, pressurised, forced to do things I didn't like (I remember my father taking me and my siblings to a soft play area, and him forcing me to go down a slide I was scared of - I was terrified of heights, and sat at the top for a long time with a terrible pain in my stomach, knowing I couldn't refuse ... sorry, I digress, but this was a typical example), and having my feelings dismissed, and every difference of opinion resulting in a screaming match, temper tantrums, fury (my father still has temper tantrums and he's nearly 60). I tend to be very controlling with our DSs, but that is less of an issue because DH is a very respectful and loving parent, so he takes the lead and I follow his example.

I feel like I can only be a)completely submissive to DH or b) controlling and abusive because I find it impossible to engage in discussion without getting angry and rageful.

I had been making such good progress, but since DS2 has come along (3 months ago), I've slipped back into my old ways.

Desperate for help, advice, criticism, support, sympathy, empathy, resources.

Recognising a problem is half-way to an answer so the fact that you've had the courage to admit it means that's something positive. I think the help you need falls between 'assertiveness training' and 'anger management'. Your GP may be of use there. If you develop the confidence to express yourself assertively rather than resorting to flying off the handle, you may be able to avoid future incidents. Easier said than done, of course, especially if tempers are already frayed with the stresses of a new baby. The one thing you can do is try to judge your own anger level on a scale of 1 to 10, and if you can feel that you're getting beyond 4 or 5 then disengage and take yourself away to calm down. DH can help in this process - you can have agreed signals for example.

You are a total STAR, is what I think. You have such a good start on solving this, as you have the awareness already. That's all I wanted to say really, as Cogito has already posted a masterly post. Except - tell dh what you have told here. He needs to hear that you know - if he doesn't already.
xx

its good that youve recognised it. I wonder if you go to your GP and asked to be referred for therapy.
What does your husband say? Does he know you want to resolve this? Maybe a huge apology and letting him know that you know that your treatment of him is not acceptable and you want to turn things round, might be a good start

And if you can't wait to be referred by your GP and you can afford it then try and find a counsellor who specialises in this area.

Well done for being able to see you have a problem and facing up to it.

This is quite good reading matter for people who don't want to go on behaving abusively.

Good on you, you?ve realised that what happened to you was wrong and that what you are doing is wrong.

That is a huge step that a lot of people are never able to make

So give yourself a little pat on the back for that.

So as well as going to GP, etc, when you are calm sit down and explain to your DH why you feel you are acting in this way, show him this thread, let him know that you do realise that you are dealing with things badly, but that you are are trying to get help.

If you feel that you?ve slipped, acknowledge the external factors sleeplessness, stress, not that any of this gives you an excuse to behave badly.

Maybe agree that if a discussion is making you feel out of control that you shelve it for 24 hours, shelve it not ignore it and then you have time to think about why the discussion is making you feel so angry or out of control.
And then you both leave it, harder said than done, no digs no remarks.

Maybe a diary would help, if you can discover your trigger points and figure out why they trigger you chances are that you can try to work through them.

Good Luck!

Take a look at the respect site and also programme.
You are indeed a star for recognising that your reactions are damaging and also for having some insight into where they come from.
It sounds as if you do need counselling from someone specialised in this area.
Anger management or CBT (which is likely what the GP will offer) will only teach you to control your anger not get to the root of it.
Very good luck to you.