has anyone else been through something similar and can offer advice??? LONG.....Sorry :-(

[kerbear]

Long story cut short......I told my husband in February 2011 that our marriage was over due to him being in contact with another female by mail, facebook, text and telephone calls. Whilst theres nothing wrong in him having female friends, the fact that during our 11 year relationship (married for 6) he had already had 2 affairs, was enough for me to realise I could take no more. And also the fact that he had tried to completely delete the evidence made me think that there was more to this conversation than he was telling me.

We lived together but seperately until September 2011 until we sold our house and me and our 3 children moved into rented accommodatoin and he moved into his rented accommodation. From the September up until February we have slept with one another on several occasions (yes I can hear you scream WHY....but we did and there is nothing I can do about that!!) He got involved with another lady which I knew nothing about, whilst still sleeping with me in December 2011. When I found out, I told him that he was to tell her the truth on what he had been doing as he cannot treat either me or her that way and lie to us both. He refused, so rightly or wrongly, I told her what he had been doing. She chose to believe his lies over the truth that I had told her. He then told me that they were over.

During the weekends that he has our children, he constantly texts and emails me asking me if I have pulled or if i am lying face down in the gutter yet. His contact would go from being nice to being down right nasty to me. One minute he was wishing me off the face of the earth and the next inviting me round for a drink.

One weekend, after i had had too much to drink, I ended up going round to his and we slept together again (this was in early February 2012) - YES I KNOW IT WAS WRONG AND THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE BUT I DID NOT LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I STOPPED LOVING HIM - I LEFT HIM BECAUSE I COULDN'T PUT UP WITH HIS LIES ANY MORE. On the Monday, our son came home from school and told me that Daddy was with that woman again mum. Once my anger had died down a bit, I txt husband and asked him why he had lied to me and why he had bought me into his web of lies. He told me that he didn't think he was doing something wrong !!! He tried to keep me on his side so that I wouldn't tell his grilfriend again, but I refused to be treated like this again and to be constantly lied to by him. So, again, rightly or wrongly, I wroter her a letter telling her everything. I am sure you can imagine the stream of abusive txts and emails I then recceived from him about the situation. he told me that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and that I would pay for what I had done. My response was, well if she was the best thing that happened to you, why did you cheat on her with me?!? He didn't answer that.

We fell out big time. Recently I celebrated my 40th birthday and was out with a group of friends, and I saw him and 3 other women, none of which was the lady he called the best thing that ever happened to him!! On the monday I went to his house to ask him why he had been so nasty to me in his texts and emails when he had so quickly moved on to the next lady. Again no answers to my questions.

He is blind to see that me and the children have been put into rented accommodation and claiming benefits because of his actions. He is blind to the fact that he has done nothing but carry on lying to me and cheating on other people with me for his own selfish needs. He is blind to the fact that he has hurt me all over again.

We have now talked about getting divorced.....but my mind is all over the place. THere are so many questions that I don't have answers to and am unable to move on, where he has so easily moved on without a care in the world. Why do I still have feelings for this man who does nothing but lie and cheat and hurt people? When will these feelings disappear? I left him.....so why do I spend so much time thinking about what has happened over the past 12 months....why am I the one when its a nice sunny day wishing we were all together as a family when he seems to have no cares in the world?? Why am I still so obsessed about the situation? Will I be able to ever move on? Will I ever meet anyone else to take the pain away as i am now a single mother of 3 who has 2 evenings free every 12 days? Willl my resentment for him ever disappear???

Has anyone else been through this that can offer any advice????

Step away from him. Stop the texting and getting involved in his personal life. Stop this situation where you end up in bed. Stay apart from him and get some perspective.

It may not be what you want to hear but I think you need to step back from the situation and just concentrate on yourself and your children.

He sounds awful
Keep away from him...honestly he will never change, you'll never be able to trust him and he will continue to mess up your life IF you let him..

You'll look back and wonder how you ever putup with it

I'm sorry but you have to take some responsibility for yourself here. He doesn't force you to sleep with him, you do that because you want to, you could just as easily stick to your guns and refuse. It appears that all you have done is leave the house, you haven't actually left the relationship and neither of you have changed your behaviour. He is still lying and cheating and you are still being lied to and cheated on.

Rather than ask him why he does this to you you need to stop putting yourself in the position where he can. You need to stop sleeping with him. You need to detach yourself from his personal life and concentrate on getting your self established as a single person.

I do take responsibility for my part in this - I suppose I hoped that we would move out and that he would show me that he was sorry for what he had done and that he would show me that he wasn't the man I thought he was and try to work things through. i suppose deep down the reason I kept sleeping with him was because I hoped that we would, eventually, get back together. But I can see that he was just trying to have his cake and eat it all over again. He has put me through so much pain and seems oblivious to it all, and the pain that has been caused to our children. It is hard to remain civil with him with regards to the children as I have so much anger towards him for the way he has, once again, treated me. i know I deserve better than him....but finding it hard to move on :(

Why did you put you and the children through a break up when you are still living like you are with his lies and ridiculousness. It does take courage and strength to breakawy from someone you still love but you can do it,many do.

Decide enough is enough now.He is never going to change is he? Salvage a decent stress free life for you and your children and leave him to it.

It may help to talk to relate or similar about breaking free from this relationship.

Love is a powerful emotion. We can't just switch it off an on at will. It takes time after a relationship has ended for the feelings to gradually ebb away, even if the person has behaved truly appallingly. In your ex's case, his feelings were already pretty ambivalent towards you because he had no trouble being with other people. So he's finding it easer to move on.

What helps most is time and distance. The longer you don't see him, the more things you find to distract you, the more achievements you make without him, the more new friends you make the less you'll think about him and give yourself false hopes. You have to make a special effort to keep away, keep busy and let the time pass. In my case I got the company I worked for to send me on repeated trips overseas. It hurts & it is very difficult for a long time, but there does come a point where you can look back dispassionately, see him for the creep he really is and wonder how the heck you put up with it for so long.

Stop expecting him to make you feel better about his betrayals. He's an injurer, that's what he does, so don't expect anything else from him except more betrayal and injury.

it honestly sounds to me as if you're trying to get your ex to give you closure/comfort/etc, in a situation where he's proven to you that he's never ever going to give you that.

stop contacting him. that's how you get closure -- by closing the door yourself.

Next time you think it might be nice to sleep with him and make everything better just imagine his cock in someone else's mouth. And him, laughing at you.
That should put you off.
The only closure you can get is the closure you give yourself, when you see him for the pathetic little tosser he is.

Hope you are using protection to prevent STDs...

Thanks for your advice....I know all that you have said is true...I do deserve better and he will never change I know that. Time for him to go ruin someone else's life and I will now concentrate on me and my children. Thank you :)

What a mess.

Do you really want to move on? Because if you do, you need to make big changes.

Disengage. You are separated in name and, not to put too fine a point on it, that means living separately. It doesn't mean texting constantly or shagging now and then or quizzing each other about your sex lives. It means separating your lives, disentangling them. So..

stop texting
stop phoning/answering calls from him
stop emailing
stop visiting/shagging him
forget what it is he's doing and focus on your life. Are you working? You have children to care for which must keep you busy.

If you focus on getting through each day in the cleanest, most honest and trouble-free way, those days will add up to a new life without all this drama and mayhem.

You definitely need to cut contact with this man. He is mistreating you but you have been, not just letting him mistreat you but encouraging him to do so. He doesn't love you. He is not your soul mate. He is a knob incapable of monogamy and he won't change.
Now's the time to put yourself and DC first. There may be a time, years down the line where you can be sort-of-friends with him and shake your head in amusement at whatever crap he's got himself into this time, but right now, don't let him take up any more room in your head.