Splitting Up - Advise From Womens Perspective Appreciated

[Tom543]

Hello,

The title says it all; I'd appreciate some advice please.

I am unmarried, without children, though have been living with my girlfriend for a decade (shared home ownership for 8 years).

We have been in a rut for a number of years, which we both acknowledge, though neither of us have done anything to address the situation. We are on friendly terms, but have not lived "as a couple" for more than a few years.

I have met someone else who I want to build a relationship with and I have decided the only fair thing to do is to grasp the nettle, end the relationship and move on with my life.

However, I know my girlfriend will not want this (we have had some preliminary conversations skirting around the issue).

My question is, from a womens perspective, would you prefer me to admit I have feelings for someone else and that I am leaving the relationship to pursue this new relationship, or would it be better for a white lie to be told to save her feelings (or you may say give me an easier way out)?

Without telling her I have met someone else, I fear she will simply not believe me when i say I wish to end the relationship.

Your opinions would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Tom

Tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You will be found out if you lie and make a bad situation a thousand times worse and do not say "I love you but I am not in love with you".

Leave now and don't waste anymore of her time or life.

Definitely the full story. Say it kindly rather than apportioning blame. Express regret for what you once had. But don't leave out that there's someone new. From what you say, it probably won't come as a surprise.

I agree with the honesty but it is also likely that she will want to all the details of the other woman, who, how, when?? It does seem that men will only leave a relationship when they have another woman lined up which isn't something that women appreciate. It's likely that she will feel you have been unfaithful to her. Whilst you might feel you haven't been in a relationship you haven't actually been single.

Does/did your partner wish to have children?

Honesty is the best policy ALWAYS.

Do not lie to her. Tell her the whole truth. Be respectful and clear and kind.

Thank you everyone.

Hi redrubyshoes, no she has no children and has never wanted any, so it is not a situation where I have said "no" and am now leaving. We are both in our early 40's.

I would agree that the kindest thing would be to be honest with her - she will find out one way or the other and it will be far better coming from you.

I'd remember though that you are entitled to end a relationship if it isn't working out for you; there's nothing wrong with that. Whilst you do owe it to her not to be an arse about it, I'd be wary of taking too much responsibility for her feelings on board.

I can't put my finger on why exactly, but your comments about her not believing you that you wish to end the relationship are a bit worrying. Almost like you are seeking her permission to end things. The thing is, unless you are clear about this, she may end up feeling that there is some hope for the two of you which would be cruel.

Hi CakeMeIAmYours (v amusing name by the way),

I shall be clear in what I say, but she has always been extremely jealous, and I think she may just refuse to accept what I'm saying.

My concerns are obviously to try and be as decent about it as possible for her sake, but also I am slightly worried for myself re her reaction. I have confided in a couple of friends and family members who I can trust (of both sexes), and was surprised that they all said they have been concerned previously re her jealous behaviour, and that I should make sure I have a clear run for the front door when I tell her as they think she will go ballistic.

BTW I have never given her reason to be jealous, I have been faithful for 10 years and haven't been physically unfaithful now (though emotionally I'll have to now hold my hands up).

It seems that meeting someone else has galvanised your thoughts.

Before you break the news to your gf, i would suggest that you post on the Legal board and garner opinion as to your respective entitlements to the proceed of sale from the property you currently should it be necessary for it be sold if either one of you is not in a position to buy the other out.

I'd also suggest that if you don't wish to buy her out, you find alternative accomodation now and make plans to move your goods and chattels out of the home once you've told her of your decision.

If you're also of the opinion that your gf will 'go ballistic' once she hears that you intend to end your relationship with her, it may be politic to break the news in a public place and give her time to digest it before discussing the reasons why you have reached your decision in the home that she may shortly be facing leaving.

Although you've allegedly not lived together 'as a couple' for many years, I daresay that your gf will be understandably hurt by the fact that the catalyst for you ending the relationship is another woman, but all you can do is stand firm and resist any begging, pleading, or threats she may hurl your way. In the event that she attempts to physically assault you, don't hesitate to call 999.

Man up

tell her the truth, and tell her today

izzyizin - thank you, good practical advice.

anyfucker - perfectly prepared to tell her, but am waiting as she has a very important business trip to the far east next week, which she is looking forward to, & which could be very good for her career if she does well. I am waiting until she returns so I don't ruin this opportunity for her.

Well what ever you do, stay faithful until after you've told her.

May be a good opportunity to sort through your things and pack, find somewhere to be ready to move to etc.

It's not wrong to end a relationship that isn't working for you. I think it might actually be better to tell her before she goes on her trip, as she might find it easier to deal with if she is going away, out of the normal environment, to start reassessing her life and all that. Do check out the practicalities first WRT rights over the home you share, finding yourself somewhere else to live etc. Unless there's a really compelling reason not to, the one who wants to end the relationship should be the one to find somewhere else to live.

Mmm... I'm somewhat divided over timing, sgb. I've never found long haul flights to be particularlycompatible with grief and if this forthcoming trip is important to her workwise she may not be able to shine if she feels at rock bottom after having been dumped - and there's always the fear she may shoot herself in the foot careerwise by deciding not to go.

On the other hand, if her trip is successful and leads to new opportunities, she may be able to use the experience to rebuild her confidence after being summararily dumped - although, of course, I'm not proposing that the OP dumps her the minute she steps off the plane or arrives home.

What is clear is that you've got a window of opportunity to firm up your plans and get yourself in the right frame of mind to spill the beans, Tom.

Are you planning to move in with the other woman as soon as you've divested yourself of your long term gf?

I wouldn't advise you to move straight in with the new GF, Tom. (Though you don't actually clarify whether you are yet involve with a new woman or whether it's a case of, having met someone that you really fancy, you know your current relationship is at an end.) It's best to spend a bit of time on your own when you split up with someone, just to give yourself a bit of space to sort your own thoughts and feelings out.