Please help me. I really need some advice asap.

[AliBean]

Bit of background. I am 30, DP is 48. We have 1 DS 2.5 YO. We have been together for 6 years through some pretty tough times. It has never been easy. Ever.

I was finally diagnosed with PND when DS was 18 months. I have been on AD's since Jan 2011 and have weaned myself off them...had last tablet on Monday. I also has CBT which was really helpful.

After feeling like I can't do anything I have improved so much and started my own business at the end of November which has been successful enough for my bank manager to fund the company to the tune of 5K which is a pretty good indication of how well it is going and how much work I have put in.

DP was made redundant in November. It made sense he help me as he is a chef and my business is a food business.... He has been a total bloody nightmare and although I was feeling well enough to come off the ADs he seems to delight in driving me to screaming/weeping/self harming (I have been known to smack my own face in frustration) utter loss of control. He argues with everything about the business, he is constantly telling what to do and who to call, criticizing my decisions and interferring with my customers. When I get angry or upset his standard response is "you need to get back on those pills" or "you are totally crazy, you aren't capable of dealing with this business" or the worst..."god you can't even have a baby without going mental, how do you think you can run a business"

I know that this isn't true. But it doesn't make me feel any better. It bloody hurts that someone who loves me (says he does) can be so hurtful and cruel.
I understand that his ego is totally bruised from loosing his job and having to work for what is essentially MY business...I do everything apart from a relatively small amount of the actual cooking that he does. He even gets annoyed if I ask him to go to the shops or collect something urgent (ink for printer etc) when he will be in town anyway.

He has never been particularly hands-on with our DS - thinks lying on the sofa watching Discovery while DS trashes the toys/lounge/house is sufficient child-care if I go out to meetings etc. In fact he doesn't see it as a problem if he falls asleep whilst responsible for a small child. He drinks at least a bottle of wine a day and often drinks in secret...

God what a litany of reasons why to leave...
I don't want to give in and go. I didn't have a child with him to just bin it when it gets hard.
I need some help with coping mechanisms for when he starts winding me up. So I don't lose my rag and give him reason to think I am "crazy"

Any ideas - I will try anything. I don't want to start taking pills again to anethetise myself from his goading...I want to be able to rise above it and ignore him. If I do this then he will give up. But I am too sensitive.

Your post is so sad :( You're basically asking for ways to put up with abuse. You are not too sensitive, you are a normal, loving person who is being worn down day after day by a nasty abusive alcoholic. Please don't try to change yourself for this man.

I think for the sake of your mental health and your DS's future, you probably do need to think about leaving. At least work out the practicalities, so you can say to yourself when he's gouding you "well, I can do X, Y and Z and I'll cope" and you know you have your escape route sussed. That will make you feel stronger in dealing with him.

If he was working elsewhere and not with you, would that make your relationship better, do you think? Is he looking for other work? Could you suggest that he does?

Oh OP :(

I'm sorry but this: "god you can't even have a baby without going mental, how do you think you can run a business" for me would be a deal breaker. I couldn't forgive him for that.

Do you think HE is depressed? He sounds super angry at life, almost angry that you are on the up whilst he is heading down? He sounds really jealous.

Do not take pills if YOU don't feel you need them. Can you walk away when gets in your face? Is there somewhere you could go stay for a few days with your ds to collect yourself?

And HUGE congratulations on your achievements, you should be extremely proud of starting a business and doing so well

"I don't want to give in and go."

Why not?

He is an abusive shit, he is toying with both your mental health, and the business you have worked hard to build!

I think you need to cut your losses and move on.

Seriously, you want to find a way to deal with him so he can carry on verbally abusing you, trying to drive you back on to antidepressants and being a millstone round your neck while you try and make your business successful?

Ok, so if he was just an employee how would you deal with his behaviour? Would you keep him on or would you sack him and find someone else to work for you? If he can't behave like a decent employee then it makes sense that he no longer works for/with you.

If he's behaving like this in your relationship and is being a useless father then I would leave him give him the chance to turn things around and behave like a decent partner/father.

I really don't think you should be breaking your back to rise above his shit. And it's not good for your DS to grow up witnessing his father treating you like this.

It's really not for you to 'try'. The onus is on the person causing all the problems i.e. your partner, to make the effort and change what sounds like appallingly abusive/lazy/selfish behaviour. So what if he has a bruised ego...? It is no excuse. No-one should have to 'cope' with a partner, let alone consider going back on anti-depressants in order to tolerate their behaviour. As for him loving you... If that's love then what does hate look like?

I'd set him an ultimatum. Standing up to him is 'assertive' and not 'crazy'. Either he shapes up around the house, quits the booze, starts treating you with more respect and making an effort to get another job .... or he goes. It's his problem, not yours.

Sorry I should add to my post. I'm not suggesting the OP stays and takes this, but we all know leaving is harder than just walking out. I'm suggesting space to give herself strength and resolve - something that is hard to find with someone in your face at all times.

Essentially I agree, you are suffering abuse and need to get yourself and ds out asap.

Yes, what HereIGo said. There'd be no reason to rise above it if 'D'P wasn't behaving like an arse. Sure, being unemployed is bad for the ego, it makes a person frustrated and irritable, but he has no right at all to take it out on you. He could be working together with you to make the business a success, or branching out to do his own thing if working with you doesn't float his boat, or even becoming a good SAHP to the child you have together. No, he has to drag you down into his own private hell. That's not partnership, is it?

To answer your question directly, the way you can stay with him and make it work is to start taking tranquilisers and to stop talking. Any time he gets upset you will have to let him have his own way and you must ensure that you never take any pride or happiness in your success. In fact it's probably best if you sign the company over to him and let him think it is his achievement while at the same time continuing to do all the work. You will need to be ok with your DS seeing his mother being abused and beaten down and with him learning that that's what relationships are like, so that he goes on to do the same thing to his girlfriends.

Is that what you want?

Thank you all for your amazingly quick responses. I am crying reading them as I know you are all totally right. It is abuse. I am putting up with abuse. I am causing my child to be potentially damaged by the tension, stress and witnessing blazing rows.
I need to leave. I should leave. BUT if i do then I will loose my business. If I leave my home I won't be able to run it unless I find premises as I need a big enough kitchen and its unlikely I will find another house that the EHO will deem suitable.
If he left I could manage as he isn't bringing any money in anyway so I would still be able to afford to stay here but he won't go. No way.
His elder son (16 my DSS, I love him very much) is supposed to be coming to live here in the summer to get away from the rough estate that he has grown up on as he recognises the need to be away from the bad influences and doesn't like his new step-dad. If I throw DP out then its DSS's plans wrecked as well.
My DS ADORES his big bro.

Do you rent or own the property you are in?

I think you should be able to ask him to leave, as it is not just your home, but your business premises.

He will find a way to house his son. It is his responsibility, not yours. So dont worry about that. You really dont want to have a 16 year old boy in the house too.

I think you need to take some legal advice on getting him out.

Go to see a solicitor. If you don't know a good one contact Women's aid.
I'm sorry for DSS, but it's not the happy stable home he was hoping for is it?

As an up-and-coming successful businesswoman you are no doubt familiar with planning and risk assessment techniques. If you were stymied by obstacles you would never have started your business in the first place. The thing is to start with the objective you want to achieve - in this case, Partner Out - and then work out how to achieve it. Look at all the obstacles as problems to be solved, not big fat insurmountable barriers to doing what you need to do. It's not at all easy, in practical terms, to split from an obstructive, abusive alcoholic, but it can be done and you are quite capable of doing it, with the right support. Mumsnet is the first line of the Right Support, it's official!

Am quite sorry for your DSS though. Thinking he's escaping a horrible stepfather only to find his dad is no great shakes either. There must be something you can do for him that doesn't necessarily involve staying together with the arse.