Support for friend in violent relationship...

[wheresthecorkscrew]

Hi - I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for me - I found out my best friend was being hit and thrown across rooms by her new partner (of four months) a few weeks ago, she opened up to me and it was clear she had a broken nose which she went to get x rayed as confirmation. She has subsequently asked me to take photos of her most recent injuries - after seeing them I felt so so upset that she was hurt by this bully (6' to her 5') and has described the litany of abusive comments and text messages he is sending her. The violence has happened whilst her two young girls are in the same house. He has a history of hitting women, one ex ended up getting arrested and charged with assault after defending herself - as he is apparently very good at twisting stories - whether this is true I don't know.

Anyhow, my problem is she won't leave this man but when we meet up it is all she talks about - how vile he is and shows me further bruises. She put on facebook that she is going away this weekend to 'get away from it all' - but when i asked if she was going with this man she said yes, it'll be good to get away. I must have looked worried and she walked off pointedly ignoring me. I want to be supportive but what do i say to keep the friendship without condoning his actions - do I leave her alone to deal with it - as her walking away would suggest I do or do I metaphorically chase after her and apologise for looking a bit judgypants. I'm scared he will kill her or the girls will see but need to keep my frustration that no man is worth this - even if it means being single - under wraps.

I think you have to be quite tough on this one and accept that it may mean that you save the friend but lose the friendship. Don't tolerate her long conversations about the abuse. Always chip in 'what are you going to do about it?' and keep telling her that it is unacceptable behaviour. Find numbers for crisis centres, the police and others that can help her escape... maybe she thinks she has no choices? She won't want to hear it and she may walk away from you, but I think you have to keep chipping away and reminding her that what's happening is wrong. She knows it somewhere in her psyche but, for whatever reason, she's ignoring her better judgement.

When a pregnant friend of mine rang to say she was in hospital after being punched in the stomach by her husband, I called the police. She was furious but I'd do it again in a heartbeat

you need to report to police and call Ss child protection - her choice fair enough but the children are at risk here .

espec if is her new partner and presumably NOT the father of her chidlren.
she is putting her Dc at risk and you can do somethign about that.
where is the father of her children?
if he is around and involved then he should get full reisdence while she contonues to have this thug as her P

also when she went to hosp with broken nose didnt she tell them who did it?
why werent police invlved?

Give her the number for Women's Aid and remind her that she can dial 999 if she needs to.

She's not staying with him because she needs a man, she'll be staying becasue she's terrified. The time a violent man is most dangerous is when his victim is trying to escape him.

She is also likely to be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome where victims bond with their captors.

Unless anybody here is willing to stand between this woman and the violent man and take the beating for her, they have no right to judge her.

Thank you all - no he is not the father - both dad's are in contact and see their girls regularly, she has also spoken to other friends who have admitted they have escaped from violent relationships, and has been told to go to the police. The hospital apparently gave her the same advice, I have said over and over again, if it was a friend of yours you would say get out and what happens if the girls see or god forbid get in the way?? She does say she is scared but i have offered my own house as a safe house, and surely you wouldn't go away for a jolly weekend with someone you are terrified of?

Sorry, just so frustrated that she is letting him do this to her daughters - she has a choice, they don't. I won't call the police as angry as I am about him, i will be seen as the wrong doer and will probably push her closer to him - iyswim. It's such a new relationship I can't believe he has such a brainwashed effect on her- so soon - very scary if so, another few months and she probably won't be allowed to talk to me - he already interrogates her about her day and who she's shagged seen

The poor woman obviously feels she has no choices. It's like a terrible addiction with some. They know it's wrong, they want to stop but they can't see an alternative. I still think the police should be alerted if for no other reason than he has form. He could already be on some kind of register or he could be on parole and, if they know he's back to his old tricks, I thing they'll be interested. It would also let him see that the woman has friends who care and that he can't just do as he pleases behind closed doors without consequence.

"and surely you wouldn't go away for a jolly weekend with someone you are terrified of?"

Surely you would. Have you thought about how he'll punish her if she doesn't do what he wants? Like I said, would you be prepared to take the beating for her, maybe end up in hospital? Sorry to be so challenging but that's the situation she's in.

If you're going to be a friend in this situation, you'll need to understand where she's coming from. The abuse isn't her fault or her responsbility.

Stockholm syndrome can take effect from day one, it depends the level of threat being posed. Clearly from this man it's extremely high.

Fair point - I've never been in a violent relationship so maybe I am struggling to understand, feel a bit ashamed as I'm sure I am feeling hurt she is shutting me out when I am desperate to help - I will be there for her, Nyac - thank you for putting it so well - I actually would stand in front of her and let him hit me to save her - just to keep her safe, in the meantime I pray she'll find a way out, and she'll know I and everyone else will be here for her.

It's awful to be a bystander in these situations. Sorry you're having to deal with this, wheresthecorkscrew. There aren't many things you can do, but being a good friend and witness to the fact that what he's doing to her is wrong is a huge thing.

If he's being this violent this early on, he's VERY dangerous!

You need to keep her close to you and you need to reinforce that she needs to get out, that there are a million people waiting to help, and that if she doesn't get out he WILL kill her and her DC probably.

Tell her that you are always there for her, ask her to prepare an emergency bag and you will hold it for her.

When she is ready she will go. The alternative is too scary to think of.

Oh Jesus, I am in tears reading this, i do feel helpless - have just texted her to say I am here but always worried he's checking her messages, she hasn't replied - we have been asked not to text after he is home from work Wish I could stop her from going away, she'll be stuck with him if he kicks off again, at least around here she can call on friends or drive away. Thank you all again.

You've done everything you can reasonably do and you should not feel bad that you can't do more. She knows you are there if she needs you and, if he's reading the text messages, he knows you've got your eye on him. This may mean he thinks twice... and that's all you can hope for at this stage.

Youy can't make her leave him, but I would report to SS for the sake of her kids.

is she taking the children on this weekend away?
given what you know, it might be worth at least calling NSPCC for advice on how to protect the children.

No - they are with their respective dads, which may sound odd but worries me even more - no reason not to get drunk if not worrying about little ears and eyes. I can't betray her by going behind her back, she'll hate me - in fact as she is now blanking me I don't know what else I can do.

That meant to read as she is now blanking me. I don't know what to do - rather than I am going to contact someone!

at least kids not at risk of direct harm on the weekend.....

not much you can do, unless you know where they going etc.

other than trust that if she needs to she would call 999/run away/get help.

I hope so

You could call the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000, they're very friendly and easy to talk to. Are they living together?

No - he does stay every night tho and at weekends, she is very private but I think she stays at his when her girls are away. The violence she has told me about has always been at her home, I just don't know, she is now ignoring all my messages and is blanking me - we are best friends and have been for three years (our children are in the same class) so would hope she would at least say she's alive! I know she does tend to ignore female friends when a man come on the scene and puts her entire focus on them but this just seems too dangerous a situation to be a need to have a man in her life.