He raised his hand...

[me2kidsandthecat]

I always said, If I feel threatened in a relationship I would leave but now it's happened I don't know what to do.

My dh is under huge amounts of stress. His consultancy business is on the verge of going under, we'll loose everything if it does. Almost 15 years of work gone, our house, car etc... Plus we'll have to move to be nearer family.

This has been going on for almost 2 years, the stress has changed him dramatically and I don't care if we loose everything, I'd just like my dh back.

Also it doesn't help both our kids still don't sleep through. Dd is 5 and gets up most nights, usually she sneaks into our bed for a cuddle and goes back to sleep. Ds is 2, he wakes up and screams until you cuddle him back to sleep, usually just the once though. Then they both get up between 5 and 6am.

Last night, I went to bed at the same time as the kids as I was so tired. I spoke to Dh when he came in, he said he'd had a difficult day and was going to chill in front of the tele with a bottle of wine.

At 2am dd crawled into bed with me, I noticed dh still wasn't in bed, I thought he must be asleep on the couch and decided just to leave him.

Then at 2.30 ds started screaming, I went through and cuddled him. At this point dh must've woken up as he came up and got into our bed. I thought ds was asleep so I creeped back into my room. Dh and dd both fast asleep in the big bed.

Then ds started screaming again, I went back through and sat on dd's bed. Dh came through in a rage shouting that every time ds makes a noise I pander to him. Ds obviously screamed louder and dh shouted shut up and raised his hand like he was going to hit ds. As a reaction I threw my hands over my head and leaned over towards ds, but dh had already lowered his hands and was shouting again. I told him to go away.

He stormed off and got back into our bed. I calmed ds down but he was shaking and I didn't want to let go of him as I thought he'd start screaming again and I had no idea what dh would do. Once I was sure he was asleep I went through and checked on dd who was still asleep.

I have never felt threatened by him before.

I don't know what to do, do I leave? Is this likely to escalate.

I was thinking I'd ask him to go and stay at his sisters for a few nights to let me think. Or am I over reacting?

You're not overreacting at all but things will look different to him in the cold light of day - that will be a chance to talk it through.

You say it's the first time you've felt threatened and you've explained what a dreadful time you're having - your DH likely feels trapped and scared and doesn't know what to do. The wine and lack of sleep can't have helped.

Please don't jump to a knee jerk 'must leave him' decision before you've had a chance to talk. But space may be something one of you needs right now. Or maybe you need to sit down together and make a plan to sell/close the business and go in a different direction - perhaps getting some control back into hi business life might help calm things down at home

You are not overreacting :( I assume he was drunk? He raised his hand at a 2 year old for waking up in the night. That is not stress, that's something else.

I think he needs to leave. Long or short term is up to you but he needs to come up with some solutions to the stress problem before he comes back.

Asking him to go and stay somewhere else for a few days is not an overreaction. I think it's a sensible and proportional request based on what happened. If he's so angry he almost hits his 2 year old son then he needs to go somewhere else for a while. From what you say the stress has been changing him for a long time and things have been incredibly hard- this incident is the one where you've realised it can't go on like this. Things need to change.

Okay, I'm going to tell him he needs to go stay at his sisters for a little while. While he's there, he can get a full nights sleep and make a choice about his business. I have already told him I'll support him whatever he chooses, but I think it's come to a point now where he needs to walk away from it.

It is probably worth reiterating to him that you don't care about money/house etc and that you just want him to be ok and to be a family- he may feel under a lot of pressure and be worried about what you expect and about letting you and the kids down. This is not to say that I would condone what he did but if it is the first time he has even come close I think it is salvageable.

Some time and space sounds like a good idea and then lots of communication

If he has never ever done anything like this before I'd not jump to any conclusions, but you do need to talk.

he needs to go away to sort himself out.

if he "losing control" because of the stress you dont want him near you and DC. the shouting is bad enough. next time he might not stop himself and might hurt you or DC. it is a real possibility...

tell him to seek help, see GP, talk to someone, get counselling, etc.

when he knows he is control of himself, he can come back with strategies in place...

Not that it is ever OK to raise your hand to child, but it was the middle of the night. He was stressed anyway and exhausted. He makes a fair point about pandering to your son too. Surely this cycle with your kids will not stop if you don't stop it? It is disrupting everyone's sleep which is essential for clear and rational thinking. I am a little bit that your five year old still comes into your bed for a cuddle in the middle of the night.

This does not excuse your H of course, and you are not unreasonable to spend some time considering what to do. Just thought I would throw a few side points in.

its not good that you felt threatened, but in the middle of the night ive been half tempted to chuck mine out the window when sleep deprivation and stress has got to me too much.

you need to have a talk

it is a fair point about the night waking and addressing it but it is hard to deal with that without a supportive partner and when you got lack of sleep anyway.

right now the key isue is the h's stress and how it manifests - shouting, anger, nearly hitting out...that is priority right now. before he does something in the heat of the momen triggered eg by child;s nite screams which they all regret - he can go to GP, seek help, sit down and sort out what to do if the worst happens in terms of he business eg move.

It may just be a case of not coping. He doesn't sound like an awful man, just someone at their very limit. Agree with Cest that he should go see his GP.