Feeling trapped and confused

[PickledUp]

Longish time lurker, but first time poster looking for a few words of advice and to get an outsider's point of view on my situation.

I'm in my late 20's and have been in a relationship with someone 15 years older for the last 4 years. We have no DC's and I have no plans of marriage for the near future. He has said he does want those things, but would rather spend the rest of his life with me even if I don't want them, than be without me (red flad?). At first things were great, but lately I can't help but feel totally trapped and yearning to get out. I have all but lost my social life with what few friends I had before, and my family are 1000's of miles away so I have no one in RL I can talk to. I also feel embarrassed about it and even writing it down here makes me slightly uncomfortable. I have wanted to end the relationship before but don't know how to go about it, and selfishly, don't want to sit and have a long talk about why I don't want to be with him.

He has displayed some slightly passive aggressive (I think) behaviour. He has repeatedly asked me in an arsey tone if there's anything I wanted to tell him. I have no idea what he was thinking and he would never tell me what was bothering him, just hours of monosyllabic answers and generally being awkward. He called me up (on my birthday no less) when he thought I had deleted a Facebook post (sodding Facebook) that he had written on my wall and said that I was embarrassed by him. No matter how many times I told him that I hadn't, he wouldn't believe me. There was also not a hint of an apology when it turned out that he was wrong, just excuses. The most recent time he's been like this, I was on a business call when he tried calling me... 3 times in 12 minutes. When I finished the call I called him back, and he asked why I hadn't picked up before. When I told him why, he said "oh well you clearly don't care enough about me to end a conversation with someone else for me." WTF? 2 years ago, I would have apologised and grovelled, this time, I asked him outright if he actually really did expect me to drop everything at his beck and call... answer yes.

I now rarely pick up my phone in fear of him calling when I'm talking to someone else as I get the Spanish Inquisition about who I was talking to, what were we talking about and so on. On the rare occasion I go for lunch with a friend, I don't mention it. The few times I have been back to my home country, I have felt so free and can actually be myself; I go out for drinks with friends, I make new friends although I often have to minimize it if he asks. It reminds me that I'm not totally unlikeable and that I feel a huge part of my life in my non-home country is severely missing.

A couple of people have commented that he treats me like shit, and I know that I don't do various things because I know how he will react. I feel that he has, or is trying to mould me into someone who I don't think I am, but because I can't really remember what my "normal" life is, I don't know if it's all in my mind.

Having written that down, I know that it's nothing compared to what many people go through, but would love a kick up the arse to tell me if I should be having doubts/wanting to run away as far as I can!

So, have I been totally brainwashed into thinking that how I'm living now is normal, or is it normal??

Its not you, its him. It is a big deal; don't downplay what has and is happening to you here.

Controlling men are often angry men as well. This is about power and control; he wants absolute over you. Controlling behaviours like he shows you are insidious in its onset. These are very hard to spot because they are so insidious and you wonder why and question your own judgment. Whether you are ready to hear the words "this is an abusive relationship" is debatable but controlling behaviours like he shows you are abusive ones. He wants you only to control, he sees you only as a possession.

There are many red flags here and this is not going to get any better for you the longer you stay within this relationship. He is not going to change after 4 years; infact in that time he has upped the control ante even more and his paranoia linked to his controlling is becoming ever more apparant.

You may at times wonder what the hell has happened and where the old you went because you have changed. Also changing your own behaviour to suit him is a red flag and a sign that things are badly wrong here in this relationship.

Other people have told you that he treats you like shit - believe them. They are concerned that you are with the wrong man here. He will destroy you emotionally in the end.

Also his reply to you on this matter:-
"I asked him outright if he actually really did expect me to drop everything at his beck and call... answer yes".

That tells you all you need to know about him. Listen to what he is saying to you. You need to be careful re leaving him because controlling men do not let go of their victim easily and you need a plan.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages.

My mum was in a marriage second time round to a man that completely controlled everything in the end! It started this way, Im not saying its going to be the same for you but it happened gradually over the years and my mum was the same always questioning if it was normal! It was like there was no way out!
Luckily she is out of it now but has deep regrets!
Quite honestly facebook is a pile of poop! It causes so much hasstle between friends and family, relationships and marriages.
Men can be a little childish when they are not put first and I suppose we would moan if they didnt question at all.
I think when there are children involved its harder but in your case its not.
You should be able to have a social life and it must be very hard being away from your family, he should understand this!
You should think about all the things you love about this man and what keeps you together and then ask yourself is it enough?
What he does or says that makes you feel loved and ask yourself is it enough!
You have no ties! You deserve happiness!

Thank you so much for your reply, reading it was a real eye-opener for me. I truly wasn't expecting it be seen as abusive as all of the incidents are so minor.

If truth be told, I'm terrified of trying to leave him, and I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. I'm 1000's of miles away from any RL support which makes me feel even more vulnerable. I am seriously considering leaving the country and life I've made over the last few years just so I can have a clean break and not constantly be worried, but it's not something I can just plan overnight, and wouldn't be able to do for a least a few months :(

I feel that my behaviour's changed to keep him happy, and avoid confrontation (something I absolutely hate!), but it's really beginning to wear me down now, and it's not a front I can continuously keep up.

I think what I'm most scared of is that he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc, and I feel that because he is much older than me, that it's down to me to go along with that as otherwise he'll be alone.

I'm not normally this incoherent with thoughts/writing things down, but I'm trying to put down what's going in the current brain-fart in my head so sorry if it's random words in a random order

Will definitely take a look at "Why does he do that" very soon!

gems sorry to hear about your mum, must be hard to see it happening but not be able to stop it :(

I hate Facebook with a passion- I hardly use it anymore because of the grief it causes. (One of the being the fact that my pictures are all private...another thing he can't understand)

I know that a social life isn't the be all and end all, but there's times I just want to go out with friends (male and female) and not be called constantly asking what I'm doing. Even when I have a female friend over at my house, I will get several calls/texts asking what we can spend so long talking about, has she left yet etc

He never has really understood the being away from family thing. He sees it as no big deal, and his first response when I told him I was planning to spend a week with my family (who I see for about 14 days a year if I'm lucky), was "don't you want to spend it with me?" It's either a lack of understanding on his part, or he's trying to make me feel guilty about going...he succeeded.

I don't think there are enough reasons to keep us together. I find it increasingly hard to be intimate with him, I think because I hate how he treats me at times which doesn't make me want to be with him in that way, yet I do it because he sulks if I don't.

Unfortunately (in a way), we live very close to each other which makes it harder to try and leave without having him within 0.5 miles or less of me 24/7...bugger :(

Aww lovely this makes me feel sad for you :-(
Every body needs a social life, ok we dont all need to go boozing or clubbing every weekend but to see friends is what life is about, it keeps us sane!
His behaviour is getting beyond posessive. He seems very insecure?
He should understand how hard it is for you to be so far from family.
If you have made a life for yourself in this country dont allow him to push you out!
If you feel you want to be with your family again, do it!
In life we never know if we are making the right choices but we have to go with our hearts and the mistakes we make we learn from. I believe everything happens for a reason and whats meant to be will be!
I do hope you sort things for yourself, dont be scared. e strong! x

Sorry typing error. That was BE strong ;-) x

You have two options; sorry to reduce it to this, but I found it helped to focus me when I was in a similar situation to yours.

1. You leave him.

1. You spend the rest of your life with him.

If option 2 makes your blood run cold, then there is your answer. You have no choice. He doesn't need to be abusive, a bad person or even to have done anything wrong in order for you to end the relationship.

If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him, don't waste another minute in this relationship. You deserve much better; being alone will be better.

Good luck- you are about to enter a happy time

Firstly you don't need to have a 'good reason' (i.e. one we all agree on here) to leave, you are young and childfree and if you don't want to stay with someone, you don't have to, you are only going to get one life and it's your choice who you spend it with, there's no obligations.

Secondly, he sounds awful anyway, in terms of being possessive and controlling. He is happy you are isolated and is making sure you don't have many friends either. You know this isn't how you want to live. You have to escape. I hope you manage to make the break (and dont worry about him, he'll go on to someone else and try and control and change them:()

The few times I have been back to my home country, I have felt so free and can actually be myself

Next time, get all your important stuff together and send it on ahead of you. Then go on your trip and don't go back! You are throwing your young years away on this controlling man. If you feel desolate and isolated now, think of how you'll feel in a few years time.

You need to take back control of your life.

Are you living with this abusive and controlling man? Have you bought a house together?

If not, there's no need to explain anything to him as the magic words that will free you from the purgatory of his tyranny are 'It's over - you're dumped - goodbye forever'.

Alteratively if you're living together but have made no financial investment in your home, find somewhere else to live, pack your stuff, and move out.

It really is as simple as that.

You already know the answer, or you wouldn't have posted. You need to get out of this relationship and get out fast!

hi. agree with everyone else, and you in your heart of hearts, that you need to end the relationship. the only thing that seems to be stopping you is worry about how he'll take it and not wanting to get caught up in a long and drawn out discussion where he tries to manipulate you into not doing it.

is it possible to plan a trip home, without telling him, then write a letter or phone him just before you are leaving to tell him it's over? that way you wouldn't have to face the immediate fall out and could have some time away building up your confidence and resolve before having to bump into him. in the interim he'd be phoning you obviously and you could just stuck record repeat it is over and not be there for the raging that ensues. hopefully he would know you meant it before you had to go back. whilst you were at home you could be looking for a job etc and working out where you'd live etc. you could take some cash home with you and leave it with someone you trust - also any legal documents etc.

i know you'd still have to go back and face him but having been away for the initial raging and trying to persuade you not to do it a) he might have accepted you really mean it before having to see him and b) you'll have built up your resolve and heard all of his arguments and manipulation already so will be more immune to it.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I think deep deep down I've known I need to get out for a while, but having written just some of the things down on paper and re-reading them make it seem more real if that makes sense?

gems He comes across as fairly confident and almost pushy, but I think that could be hiding insecurities. I don't want him to push me out of where I am, but leaving him aside, I truly believe I'd be happier closer to home.

tethersend option two scares the living shit out of me if I'm honest; looking to the future in that instance and I just see me being unhappy and going along with it because I have to.

mumsyblouse I think I feel that I have to justify to him why I don't want to be with him any more. That may be irrational, but I feel that I "owe" it to him almost. I don't know what to say when he starts asking questions and not sure I'm strong enough to stop him twisting it around and convincing me otherwise. If I could pick up the phone and end it I would in a heartbeat...coward's way out I know :(

olgaga I wish it would be as simple as getting stuff together and leaving. Unfortunately I have a lot of furniture etc and a car I would need to sell before making a move, as well as a cat, but it is something I have thought about. If I could find a way of doing it bit by bit then I would!

Izzyizin We don't live together, but live extremely close to each other. I spend about 3 or 4 nights a week at his, he never comes to mine, ever. Thankfully there are no financial ties, or DC's which makes things much much easier than it otherwise could be.

Dolcelatte I think I subconsciously knew the answer, but wanted an outside opinion on it as I'm not sure if I've been making things out to be worse than they are. I'm to ashamed to talk to my family or any RL friends about it, so I thought this was the next best thing to think it over. Seeing the responses in black and white make it much easier to actually take it in, rather than battle it out with myself!

Do you have enough money to plan a trip back home?
I am relieved you dont live with him, i think it will be easier to leave.
Do you want to stay in the country you're currently living in? Or go back home where your family are?
Could they help you?

he sounds like a bit of a nightmare

Okay start with reforming the cat. Then tell people you are thinking of moving home, and see if anyone knows anyone moving in the area who might want to buy your furniture. Or try selling on Gumtree etc. If any of it isn't worth much think about donating it to a charity, there are ones that provide furniture for people in very difficult circumstances (eg. Women leaving refugees).
You could even get yourself a second cheap pay as you go mobile for the useful calls to sort out your life.
Do tell people, even your boss, as it will make things easier if you do leave them a bit in the lurch.
It is so good that your friends aren't his friends and so on.

You are so not being unreasonable to want to leave him, he may not hit you, yet.

mummytime slightly concerned about reforming the cat!! I'm pretty sure my parents would take her until I settle somewhere else, but if not, as a last resort I'd rehome her :( Unfortunately as far as friends go, we have an awful lot of mutual friends (more his than mine) but they are the people who I see most of all, with him obviously. I started telling people I was considering moving back, and it actually felt good. Where I would go and what I would do, I don't know yet!

ihatethecold I have a return flight booked for 12 months time or so which if needed I can bring forward to whenever I want it. I'm due to start a relatively well-paid job in May/June and I feel that I would be stupid to move back sooner, when I could put some money away over a few months. I'm totally torn as to whether I want to stay where I am or not; there's things I love, but there's things I don't like about it, and a lot that I miss from back home. I'm totally paranoid about being outed (I'm pretty sure no one on here knows me in RL) so don't want to be too specific...pathetic I know!!

Can you move accommodation when you change job and not tell him or your mutual friends - and warn your old colleagues not to give out your new employer's name if he rings up.

You don't have to tell your mutual friends what you are planning.

Sorry, stupid iPad!

OP you are still very young, you have no children, you are employable. You are fortunate that you can make this change without it affecting your life.

Break from this man as soon as possible, make it very clear that you don't want to continue a friendship after a break and try to find some one in RL (or keep posting here) to support you.

Don't put up with this, it's such a waste of your life.

Don't discount an immediate break, could you go away for a few months until your new job starts? Just to recover your strength?

Don't feel ashamed, those who love you won't judge you, and they would be gutted to think you needed help but didn't ask for it.

Good luck.

We don't live together, but live extremely close to each other. I spend about 3 or 4 nights a week at his, he never comes to mine, ever. Thankfully there are no financial ties, or DC's which makes things much much easier than it otherwise could be.

You don't actually live together? Well then, tell him it's over and get on with your life without him! I can't for the life of me understand what's stopping you.

Would it be feasible to just move within the city that you live in? Sort out a new place, set a moving date, move all your stuff and dump this loser? Are you afraid of what he might do?

BTW you don't need to have a long talk with him. You don't want to be with him, simple as that, so that's all you need to say. If he tries to convince you to stay with him don't listen. He'll feed you a pile of shit.

As much as I can try to understand why you feel so trapped, you are not

You have your own house, no dc's and no legal/financial ties to this man

Tell him it is over

Just do it. Tell him he is suffocating you, you have grown in this relationship and he has not and now it is making you unhappy

Then tell him you will brook no further discussion. he is a grown man and it isn't your job to protect him, or continue a relationship because you feel sorry for him

You have every right to end it