relationship with mom

[VenusStarr]

Hi, i'm nomally a lurker on here but just looking for a different perspective on this.

i have one sister who i am extremely close to, i would count her as one of my best friends and i know that we'll always be there for each other. our parents are still married but over the last few years our relationship with them has been slowly deteriorating (and they seem to recall our childhood in a very different light to what actually happened?!). our family is very small, just me, my sister, mom, dad and grandparents - i do have an uncle who rarely gets in contact, although my grandparents worship the ground he walks on. my other uncle passed away around 4 years ago (something which i think my mom has never come to terms with / grieved - but she refuses to seek help)

a bit of background: my mom has (what i think) is an unhealthy relationship with her parents, she sees them every week and is stuck in a groundhog day type routine with them, to the point that if we want to see our parents on the weekend, it has to be on a saturday as sundays are reserved for my grandparents, without fail or exception and if we do go round on a sunday the routine doesnt change. my parents dont have any relationships / friendships outside of this - hence the unhealthy relationship. everything my mom does is for my grandparents - they are on a pedestal, despite the fact that they actually treat her quite appallingly, talk down to her, expect her to run around after them, basically put her life on hold to be with them. my mom doesnt ask how me or my sister are, what is going on with our friends, our jobs etc. they know nothing about our lives.

anyway, my sister is pregnant and i could not be more excited / happy for her and her partner. my mom has always said in the past things like 'i'll never be a grandma etc etc' so i would have thought that she would have been over the moon to find out that yes she will be. her reaction when my sister told her was to burst into tears to the point where it was unclear whether she was happy about the news or not. she said that she was happy. however my dad has since told my sister that my grandparents have made my mom feel ashamed of my sister for not being married and having a baby out of wedlock (she has been with her partner for nearly 15 years and lived together for 10 of those years - so committed in every aspect apart from married - my mom nor grandparents are not religious).

i am disgusted that my mom feels ashamed of her own daughter. she has taken no interest in my sister, not called very often (she doesnt call me either) asked how she is feeling. in my eyes she is basically cutting off her nose to spite her face. just because my sister has decided to have a baby in a loving relationship with her partner (my mom actually asked if the baby was planned!! yes it was). i'm feeling quite angry with my mom for not stepping up and being an excited grandma to be. its like she knows the baby is coming (my sister is in the last trimester) but is not allowing herself to get excited and told me the other day that she is not buying anything else for the baby - she's bought some bibs, cotton wool, socks but nothing for the baby to wear.

im not really sure why im posting to be honest. when my sister first told me that she was pregnant i had 2 images in my head - one thinking ahead about how the baby might bring our family together and bring some light and a smile back to my mom's face, hope for the future and the second image was this one....

ps: my sister and i do make he effort to call and speak to my mom but when we do it is a one sided conversation. my dad likes to email us and it is becoming more common for him to email us and say 'your mom has asked me to tell you / ask you etc'. she will rarely pick up the phone to ask her herself.

It's very sad, but IMO a big part of truly growing up and living your own independent life is accepting that your parents are who they are and that they're not going to change. It sounds like your mother is well and truly trapped in a very unhealthy relationship with her own parents, one that has damaged her life. That's terrible for her, but don't let your grandparents' idiotic behaviour and ideas seep down into your generation. Your sister is very lucky to have you. Let go of your parents' immature reactions and focus on the excitement soon to come :)

PS - grandchildren can have an amazingly transformative effect on some people - you may find your mother changes a lot when the baby is born. My mother went from a very cold, distant mother who used to say "I'll never babysit your children" to an absolutely doting grandma who actually wanted me to send my DS over to Ireland for a week, to stay with her on his own!

thank you for your reply CailinDana :)

it is really sad. but you're right they are so stuck in their ways that we can't change them, but i guess i am still holding onto a bit of hope that they might? i have lurked a bit on the stately homes thread and i believe my grandparents are toxic. i feel sorry for my mom because it seems like she is holding back and not letting herself be truly happy, trying to conform to what her parents think / their values and this is to the detriment of the relationship she has with her own daughters :(

i am very excited about becoming an auntie! and i am very focused on that and being there for my sister. i think it is a wonderful thing to bring new life into this world and am proud of my big sister :)

like you say having a little one around may have a transformational effect, i'm not writing it off yet, i just think my mom will regret not being there for my sister and being a part of this special time in her life. but if that is what she chooses to do, then i can't change that, it's just very sad :(

Elderly relatives can be very demanding and stressful, and your mother is shouldering a big burden. She sounds emotionally drained, and probably doesn't know what to do as on one hand she may offend her parents, and on the other you and your sister. I actually really feel for her.

I have never been close to my mother, but recently when I went through a bit of a trauma the first person I wanted was my mum. I never thought I'd say that. Cut her some slack, ask if you can help with her parents. Talk to her, tell her you love her, and understand divided loyalties. I am sure deep down she is thrilled for your sister, and determined not to smother you both like her mother smothers her, and ruin things for you and her grandchildren.

noinspiration thank you for your message. i've only just been able to come back on to see it.

i know my mom is carrying all these worries on her shoulders, i wish she would tell me and my sister how she is feeling, she keeps everything bottled up. we used to be very close, but i guess that changed when i moved out a few years ago. she is still my mom and i love her but i wish she felt that she could have a proper mother daughter relationship with me and my sister. we try to make the effort to see her on her own and choose activities she might enjoy.

i actually wonder if she is depressed, but she wont seek help. i hope that deep down she is happy about the new addition to our family, a baby will massively change the dynamics of our family unit, hopefully in a good way. i know what you mean when on the one hand she might offend her parents but it is always me and my sister who are forgotten.

i miss my mom :(

What about you in all this, Venus?

You don't have the mom you want now. Did you as a little girl?

Why are you so intent on fixing her life for her? She's made her choices wrt to her parents, and those aren't your concern. Are you happy with the choices she's made and continues to make wrt her children, though?