How do I help my abused friend?

[Kissthecook]

My friend is in a physically abusive relationship. I have been supporting her through it. A couple of months ago she finally left her husband and spent a night with her children at my house. During that time she sought help from the national domestic violence hotline and made a police complaint against him, but ended up going back to him (actually begging for him to return to her). To cut a long story short, her husband discovered that she had been here while she was away from him.

Since then, she hasn't returned pretty much any of my calls to her -- I have been regularly calling to make sure she knows I'm there for her. Yesterday, she blocked me from her facebook account (defriended me).

I texted her to tell her that no matter what, I'm there for her and she replied with the answer I had suspected anyway -- that as one of the conditions of "working on her marriage", she had agreed not to be in contact with several people, including me. She is really sorry but "for now" we can't be in contact.

Obviously, her husband is trying to isolate her (and you can't "work on" a violent marriage). But when I called the national domestic violence hotline myself, I was told that I should now be very careful about contacting her because if her husband discovers that she was in touch with me, he could use it against her and it could place her in more danger.

My question is this. How do I continue to support her when I effectively can't be in touch with her, or only in very sporadic contact??? I feel like I've given in to his plot to isolate her but the alternative would place her in danger - I am trapped in a catch-22. I know there is one other person she has confided in in the past but she doesn't have that much more support in this country -- no family or anything like that. I would really appreciate some advice.

PS I've namechanged obviously.

Unfortunately she is still in the FOG (forgiveness, obligation, guilt) of her relationship to her abusive partner.
Until she makes the decision that she is going to leave him and understands the whole dynamic of an abusive relationship there is little proactive you can do.
One positive is that she knows you are there for her and her children and remain a good friend who will support her again.
If you see her in the normal run of things just gentle support such as suggesting going for a coffee or meeting up with the DCs is possibly all you can do right now.
Fwiw, she is probably thinking she can 'fix' the relationship so that abuse doesn't happen again and/or wants to take her OH's words of remorse as a real promise to change. If you are able to be around her, just showing her that there is a different, less stressful and happier life away from her abuser will be a comfort to her.

@struwelpeter - That's the problem - I don't think I can do any of those things, like go out for coffee or arrange a playdate. He's told her she can't be around me and she's agreed to it. She thinks this is temporary while they "work on their marriage" ie fix it, like you said but I'm sure it's not. I can't leave her isolated though!

You haven't got any choice but to back off, honey.

Your friend is only as isolated as she has chosen and agreed to be while she 'works on her marriage'; it is to be hoped that she will soon realise that her marriage is dead in the water and that her only option is to leave her violent and abusive twunt of an h.

As hard as it may seem, she knows where you live and all you can do is pray that you'll hear from her again soon, or that she'll fetch up on your doorstep one night in the not too distant future.

Do your dc go to the same school? If so, perhaps you can engage in a brief conversation in passing, but please be very careful because it is not unknown for controlling abusers to follow their victims in order to make sure that they are obeying the orders they've given to the letter.

So depressing. Unfortunately our kids are in different schools.

I am so sorry about your friend, but be reassured that she has left once and hopefully she will be creeping towards getting out.