Don't want to move in, how do I tell him?

[Rinkan]

Been with DP (boyfriend really) for about a year, all going fantastically well. We live about 10 minutes apart and without fail spend Friday to Sunday together in one of our flats, plus the odd weeknight and going on holiday together. We are mid thirties, neither of us has children.

I have a sneaky suspicion that any day now he's going to suggest that we move in together and I really don't want to. Not because I'm not sure about him, quite the opposite - I AM sure about him and I want him to ask me to marry him instead! I had a 5 year relationship in my late 20s, we lived together for 2, didn't end massively traumatically but moving out was a real hassle and I just feel that I have been there, done that.

I feel that current boyfriend should be able to work out perfectly easily from the way we live now to be able to decide whether or not he wants to marry me (though I accept that he may need another year or so to decide to take the plunge) and if he decides that he doesn't, well, at least my living arrangements won't change as a result of the break up. He on the other hand has never lived with anyone and probably wants to give it a try without going the full Monty.

I am pro marriage, not for moral or religious reasons, just because I would want that level of commitment to feel secure. And I like the idea of life feeling different on a practical level post-wedding. Thing is, if he does suggest moving in together I have 2 options (i) say no but don't say why, and he'll think I don't love him enough or (ii) say I am waiting for a proposal, which sounds like I am being impatient and possibly forces the issue when I'd really love for him to make the decision in his own time and have the fun of surprising me.

Bit of a bugger really. For all I know he could be thinking that I would never consider marrying him without living together first....

Then ask him to marry you! Don't wait for him to pop the question.

Why can't you just say what you've said here? You don't want to live with someone again until you marry. It's fine.

Just tell him how you feel. though if you want to get married now, or imminently, then ask him to marry you. Please don't turn into one of those wussy women who allows a man to keep her danging indefinitely in the hope of a proposal.

I have to honestly say, I'd never ever marry anyone I'd never lived with - it could be a disaster!

What about a long engagement while you live together for a bit? Moving out might be "a hassle" but getting divorced is even more of one?

Don't think it's a bad idea to talk openly about where you and he see the relationship going

• does he want to move in together to save rent / travelling time or does he see that as a next step.

-does he believe in marriage per se, as a longer term thing talking about money - joint? kept apart? what if one of you earns a lot more or has a lot of debt or assets ?

• do you / does he want children

etc. These are all things you should be able to have conversations about if you are committed enough to be talking about moving in

I could never marry anyone I'd never lived with. But each to their own.

Given that he's not a mindreader you're going to have to just be honest with him and tell him what you've written here.

Thanks for the responses. Not at all keen on proposing myself - he'd hate that. And I do think he will ask, in his own time. As for dangling, point taken, and I dangled for 5 years with my ex, more fool me. But I think that it's perfectly reasonable for him not to have proposed after a year. He's 4 years younger than me, that's probably why I have made my mind up more quickly. If there's no ring on it by this time next year though, I am OUT.

Backforgood, he'd see it as a next step, not a practical thing, but the catalyst is that his current lease is up in a couple of months, and we're both a bit sick of packing overnight bags. He definitely believes in marriage and children, we earn about the same (both pretty solvent) and neither of us has any debts.

Sorry I wasn't meaning to be nosey - I just meant that the two of you should be able to talk about these things

OK, I see that something is going to be said when his lease expires. But do consider things from a practical viewpoint - he is clearly renting, what about you? Do you own your home or are you renting as well? If you are a homeowner, check your legal situation WRT someone else moving in anyway. If you are a tenant as well, consider whether you want him to live in your current home (and if your landlord will accept this) or whether the two of you want to look for a new home together.
YOu say you want to marry him, do you want to nip off to the registrars before his lease is up and then move him straight into yours? Or do you want a wedding with frock and party and booked venues and stuff? If the latter, you are either going to spend some time living together unmarried as a wedding takes a bit of arranging, or he's going to have to get a new rented property elsewhere on a six-month lease or something.

I also insisted to DH that I wouldn't live with him before marriage. Our personal situation was very different to yours (dc involved) and we'd been together about four years, so it was the right thing for me, from a legal/financial pov.

I don't think it spoiled the surprise for me when he did propose and I don't think I came across as impatient - he needs to know where your boundaries lie and I think it's better to give an explanation rather than let him think that you're not committed to him. As others have said, it's one of those things you have to be able to discuss as part of a relationship.

I don't think it's wussy though to want your partner to propose rather than doing it yourself. It suits some women to ask, but it didn't suit the dynamics of our relationship, so don't feel pressured to do the asking if it's not right for you. I don't feel I was left dangling, as we were still young, I had DD to think about, and I was at a stage in my life where I was happy to enjoy the dating stage of the relationship for quite a while. Not everyone needs to jump into marriage or cohabiting within the first year or two.

I see your point entirely, but if I were your DP, and had never lived with a person before, there's no way I'd want to get married without living together first!

So I can see you hitting an impasse with a perfectly lovely man here. Maybe not. But if he's insistent on living together first, I hope you don't think him unreasonable. I would do the same.