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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How does she trust him? Would you?

24 replies

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 14:37

A friend of mine was the 'bit on the side' with her colleague for many years. They had a 'casual' on and off thing going for years in various hotel rooms around the world and he often told her of other flings he had had whilst away. She has told me all this over the years.

He was married with two DC's. He eventually left his wife and started a 'proper' relationship with friend and they have subsequently married. She is now re-writing history to say that they had a brief fling, he felt so guilty and he ended it etc etc and he hated himself etc etc and it was only the once with her.

Ermmmmmm. I have known her for twelve years and she has now been married for three. He still works abroad a lot and she says she 'trusts him totally'.

I am not hoiking up my judgey pants or asking any other question than how can she trust him and would you?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2012 14:41

"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy" :)

Original poster

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 14:45

Recognise that saying Cogito and have refrained from saying it .

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2012 14:50

She's spent years compromising normal relationship rules, happy to share him with the wife and various others. Her powers of self-delusion are finely honed. I'm sure she doesn't believe that he is faithful now but presumably it's a compromise she's squared away as being acceptable. Would he be quite wealthy?

mojitomania · 13/03/2012 15:05

Of course she doesn't, she probably just wanted the "wife" status.

Original poster

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 15:08

He earns well. This is where I am worried, she is pouring all of her money and savings and an inheritance into a house they have bought, she earns very little and he avoids paying anything towards his DC's if he can help it.

I told her to get an account to keep some savings in or just the money her father left her and she said she didn't need to.

OP posts:

PostBellumBugsy · 13/03/2012 15:08

I know plenty of men who have married the woman they were having the affair with & have gone on to have monogomous relationships with their 2nd wife.
My own ex-H is a point in case. One in three marriages end in divorce, alot of them because of affairs but not all people who have affairs are serial philanderers!!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2012 15:26

It's her money, she knows that if the marriage breaks up it'll be divvied up 50/50 presumably and she's relaxed about it. Cynic in me wonders if the inheritance was the decider when opting to leave the wife :) IME men like that are quite lazy. They're getting plenty on their business trips but they stay with the wife because it's too much hassle to leave.

happyinlove · 13/03/2012 15:42

Long time lurker who doesn't often post and have name changed....I had to echo what PostBellum just said. Not all people who have affairs are serial philanderers! DH and I have been married for 15 years after an affair which lasted on and off almost 5 years.

Sometimes when a man marries his mistress the relationship is strong and faithful. He certainly didn't need to (or was forced to) marry your friend, perhaps he really loves her.

Yes, I would trust him. I think that given the statistics about unfaithfulness, he is no more or less likely to be unfaithful to her than anybody else's DH.

Original poster

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 15:44

Like Charles and Camilla?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2012 16:12

This man was a serial philanderer even when she was his bit on the side. Some people - like the Charles and Camilla situation - have married the wrong person and get together late in the day. The man in the OP's story is an indiscriminate, opportunistic old tart. Quite different.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/03/2012 16:16

She "trusts" him because she wants to believe in her dream more than she wants to look at reality.

Dreams are important to all of us, and it sounds like it will take a lot to wrest that particular one away from your friend.

Original poster

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 16:27

I find it very strange that she seems to think I have forgotten about how they met, she used to talk about it quite openly throughout the years.

Selective memory.

OP posts:

tribpot · 13/03/2012 16:30

I would imagine, as well as a strong emotional investment in believing in her new version of history, she's convinced herself that he was not getting 'what he needed' at home and thus as long as she satisfies him he will have no reason to stray. Like, er, he did when she was his mistress

bringbacksideburns · 13/03/2012 16:31

Whether or not he stays faithful she will find out in due time i suppose.

But maybe your friend should be questioning what kind of man ' avoids paying anything towards his DC's if he can help it?'
Hasn't he put them through enough? if he's comfortably off why would he do that?

ElusiveCamel · 13/03/2012 18:19

My sister cheated throughout her relationship with her first husband, from pretty early on and on numerous occaissions. They were together for about 13 years I think, married for two. She started seeing her current husband while she was married still and left for him. They have beem together, really happily, for about 15 years and she's never so much as looked at another man in that time. Not sure it's the same as your friend's situation but it does happen.

ElusiveCamel · 13/03/2012 18:22

Excuse typos, please! :) On stupid tiny phone.

oikopolis · 13/03/2012 18:41

i have a relative who's done the very same thing. and rewritten history, sanitized the whole thing as you say.

a vacancy was definitely created and now, a good 7ish years later, said relative is beginning to um and ah about how maybe she can't really trust him after all and maybe this wasn't a good idea etc... and it wasn't, obviously. he is DEFINITELY a serial philanderer with a woman in every city he visits (regular business travel).

your friend is making a mistake, but it's the sort of mistake she will insist on making, and if you call her out about it, she'll defend herself (even if it's just silently, to herself) and end up just getting deeper and deeper into a situation where she's trying to "prove" to herself and you that all is puppies and butterflies.

pity! and i feel you pain. v frustrating to watch.

Original poster

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 20:17

Read all the posts and thank you. I can see both sides.

My friend (not me I promise this is not a 'this happened to a friend' thread or a drip feed) when the night wore on she broke down and cried that she will never know what it is like to be pregnant or have children.

She is now 46 and he had a vasectomy three years ago - his children are teenagers.

Why a vasectomy then? Terrified she would get pregnant?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/03/2012 20:27

Perhaps the affair with her alone wouldn't make him any more likely to shaft her than any other bloke, but the fact that he was shagging around all over the place whilst working away and having a relationship with her as well as his wife would swing it for me

No, he can't be trusted and she is likely find this out the hard way. Unless she is spectacularly good at denial, rationalisation and sticking her head in the sand

oh ....

Original poster

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 22:12

I think he will hurt her. I have said it.

She said to me 'they are together forever' and the re-writing of history includes that she gave up work for a year to go on tour with him 'because she knows what he is like' and he then insisted she got a job 'so he could tour alone and 'just work''.

I want to shake her and the coffee she should smell.................

I AM drip feeding.

Fuck it. Sorry. I loathe drip feeders and I have turned into one. He will hurt her.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/03/2012 22:13

There is nothing you can do, RRS

Original poster

redrubyshoes · 13/03/2012 22:22

True AnyFucker very, very true.

Yep as the above posters said you can be Charles and Camilla. In this case I think the first wife was Diana, she is Camilla and there are a few waiting in the wings...............

I wish she would get herself a fuck off fund together.

OP posts:

mummakaz · 13/03/2012 22:58

tbh I don't think theres anything you can do and I wouldn't trust him either

My mate EXDP left her when their son was 6 mths old for OW. 10 Years down the line he has had 3 more children with OW and 1 more on the way. A couple of weeks ago he left her for another OW

I think if my relationship started out as an affair I would never be able to fully trust my partner. If he is capable of cheating on his EXWife then he is capable of cheating on her

kerbear · 15/03/2012 16:08

I think you're friend is burying her head in the sand - he has done it to his ex-wife with her and he will do it to her - eventually. unfortunately I know this from experience.

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