Please help

[shedoesntmind]

Have n/c for this because it will almost certainly out me.
I have been with my df (fiance) for 3 years, living together for 2. We originally house shared with another couple, then last year moved into our own rented flat.

I am in the third year of my degree, studying full time, and I've always worked weekends. Up until recently, DF was working a relatively well paid part time job, did part time lecturing at a university and was also doing a Masters. Everything to do with money & housework was well balanced between us and we were both busy but happy.

A few months ago everything went tits up, DF was rejected for funding to complete his Masters so had to leave, then at Christmas hours dried up at his part time job. So since then we've been relying on my income, his couple of hours lecturing, anything else he can get his hands on (he does various bits of work for family friends, marking, invigilating etc), and my student loan. We don't qualify for any benefits due to lack of NI contributions.

So money is very tight, and mostly contributed by me. In theory, I believe the "what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours", I'd share every last penny, I love him to pieces, but it's the attitude that goes with it that is killing me at the moment.

He's stopped taking any responsibility for our money, every month he assumes I'll pay/sort the rent & bills, if we need something from the shop he'll automatically take my debit card from my purse, if we go out we can get all the way to the bus stop before he'll ask if I've got his bus fare. So far I've manage to cover these things but he doesn't seem to accept how serious our financial situation is becoming. I've started selling anything that isn't vital in the house, but whenever it's something of his, he expects to keep the money for himself, despite money from anything of mine going straight into the rent pot.

I haven't been out with my friends in ages, due to money and spending my days in the library and my evenings picking up any overtime I can get, whereas he thinks nothing of going to the pub once/twice a week (I may be being a bit unreasonable here, but I really resent it).

My family are all miles away and we're not particularly close, his are all here but they don't seem to realise our situation either and are just feeling very sorry for him. A lot of our friends are mutual so I can't really talk to them about this, and my own friends adore him and I don't want to make him look bad in their eyes. He does the bare minimum around the house, despite being here most the time doing fuck all marking.

I just want my lovely DF back, and really don't know where to turn. It's like a big black cloud has just settled over my previously amazing, supportive DF and I just don't know what to do. He is trying very hard to find a FT job, and is massively disillusioned by the whole thing. I really feel for him, and I realise how hard things are, but I need more support. Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to drip feed what is quite a complicated situation but I really hope someone's got some suggestions (leave the bastard really isn't right here, I love him dearly and still see him shine through sometimes but I just can't take this anymore)

Agree with the above 100%. Head out of the sand time for everyone because nothing buggers up a relationship more than unsaid problems, especially when it's about money. Face reality together as adults, come up with a plan together and you could emerge stronger. Good luck

Thanks for replying HereIGo
You've nailed it in one, that is exactly how our conversations go.
The agreement was that he would take charge of household stuff, we also look after his much younger siblings a few nights a week so I told him that was now up to him to organise and take responsibility for.
To me, money is just that, it's money. It's always going to run out, as long as we can get by it's not that important. It's the fact that I feel totally isolated and like he has no respect for me anymore. If I ask him for help, eg, DF please will you do the shopping this week? Here's a list I've worked out so we don't spend too much.. it's like it's a huge favour to ask him, whereas before we both pulled our weight.

We do talk about this a lot, I try to pick my battles so that it doesn't all lose meaning to him and turn into nagging.
He listens, gets upset and helps out for a few days and then it drifts back, it's like he's in a big rut.
Reading my post back I realise we both sound like 16 year olds, we're 24 and 25!

could he be depressed because of no job?

And talking with your spouse does NOT sound like moaning or nagging. Nagging only happens if he ignores you. In which case, you have to ask why he's ignoring you- does he disagree but isn't voicing his opinion, is he depressed, or does he just not respect you?

I think depression is possible, if I look at it from his point of view he's gone from being on track to doing exactly what he's always wanted, to having to go to job centre workshops and trawling the Internet for any job. It must be hard to keep your chin up.
I think he's lost some self-respect so maybe that's now transferring to me as well.
He seems to be in denial about how it's affecting both him and me. He has mood swings, yesterday he was lovely, today he's saying some horrible things and generally being vile. Never knowing what I'm coming home to.

did he want to be an academic? losing the oppotunity to complete his masters could have been a major blow - more so than losing a job - more losing an identity - so he may well be depressed. Maybe ask him how he feels about it. Is there anyway that he can complete without funding?

Yes. He was on track to go on to do his phd and build up his hours as an associate lecturer to be employed full time by the Uni. Before now he was regularly asked to write for various publications whereas that seems to have dried up too. It's a horrible situation.
We were supposed to be married this June but have had to postpone it indefinitely :(

The university can't accept work he's done unless fees are paid. He's done all the work so even more pressure to get a job to be able to save up, pay fees (we were hoping for him to be able to start again next year but time is running out) so he can submit all his hard work.