What do you do when aspects of your relationship have become intolerable but you can't cope alone?

[Memoo]

Just that really. There are certain things that dh has done that mean I no longer wish to be with him but because of my ill health I actually can't cope without him. Im also worried they'd take my children away :(
What do I do? Starting to feel desperate.

Oh i do hope that some one comes along who can advise you because we have just burried my mil who stuck with fil whom she hated and whom made her life a misery....for nothing.
A life with 99.9% misery really is a waste of a life.
I just keep thinking "what if she had found a way to get away, what would her life have been like"? 100% happier im sure.

There is truth in the old saying that life is too short.
So Big BUMP for you and all the very best for your future x

Thank you

What do you do when aspects of your relationship have become intolerable but you can't cope alone?

You realise that you can cope alone, or ask for help from other sources who don't delight in making you feel like crap.

Nobody is going to take your children away. Not if you are doing what is in their best interests. And you are going to be seen as acting in their best interests if you take steps to remove them from a home where there is domestic abuse, if that is what your dh has done.

There are other ways of coping. Imagine he was in a car accident/had a stroke/something else...what would you do?, who would help, what would you need??? Hard to be more helpful without knowing what exactly is needed.

Ages of DCs? Level of your ill health and prognosis?? His competence with DCs etc.

Speak to people who help others with similar illnesses cope. You may find there is more help assistance out there than you think. Very certain that they wouldn't take children away simply because someone is unwell. However difficult life may be solo, it is always preferable to being with someone that treats you badly or makes you unhappy.

My children are 13, 11 and 2.

I struggle with depression and have had very occasional periods of psychosis. I am now being assessed for schizophrenia (wonder if tone of thread will change now)

My Cpn, psych etc are always happy that I am taking good care of the dc with support from dh. If he isn't here anymore I'm sure they'll think differently. Just for the record I do actually take very good care of my dc it's just proving that to hcp and ss.

I don't think it changes anything really. Explain to your medical team that your relationship is intolerable, that you need to end it and ask how you go about getting alternate support. Tell them you're concerned about your children. If you're up front about your wishes and fears, they're more likely to give you the appropriate help. You can't be forced to stay with a man just because he's acting as your carer

Memoo, you had a big down around Christmas didn't you. I'm worried that your relationship is making your mental health worse. You may really find yourself better able to cope on your own. It's hard to tell from a short post. Are you seeing any therapists of any kind?

On your main question: I have depression and CFS. I'm slowly learning I can live with this, if I completely change my expectations. I can get things done if I don't do anything for more than 20 minutes ... This means it took me 5 days to clean the oven, for example, but that's a damn sight better than getting more & more depressed about the state of it! I keep commitments down to an absolute minimum, so I can go to bed for a bit several times a day. All that kind of thing; it's about adaptation, rather than trying to live how other people might think I "should".

Anyway. Post more when you can :)

You can always do it alone, Memoo. Cogito speaks sense, tell your team, they will find a way to support you.

Good luck. x

sorry, x-posted

I'm seriously not sure I can though.

I'm fine all day but by the time I've done tea etc I'm almost on my knees. Dh comes in and takes over. He irons, baths the baby, runs the older two about. He does so much at the weekend and lets me rest and without that I'm not convinced I would be able to manage.
Also the financial side of things worries me too. I'm not up to working even part time.

Thing is, Memoo, your H might drop dead or decide to leave you. There are no absolute guarantees that he will always be there. Particularly if he's horrible (don't know back story). You would be able to cope. You would be offered help eg carers, grants. Talk to your current HCPs about what would happen if you separated from him, if he is abusive then your mental health is going to improve a lot without him around.

I think you would be far better off to work out a way to cope without him now, while you have time, than to have to suddenly work something out should he leave himself or get sick or what have you.

From my own struggle with depression, I learned that there is far more help available than you think there is, if you really need it. There are volunteers and crisis support, all kinds of things.

I also think you will probably feel better if you are not in an unhealthy relationship. And maybe you will get new medication soon which will help a lot?

Can you work out some specific amounts of how much time you might need from people? Say, 2 hours each weekday evening, and 6 hours on the weekend? If you can, then it's just a matter of finding a way to plug those holes.

Also, look at everything you do all day and cut out everything that isn't absolutely necessary.

Do you really need ironing done? Does the baby need a bath every day? Can the teenagers take on more responsibility?

Perhaps there are things you can do so that you're not so exhausted every day.

If he is a caring father than he wouldn't drop out of their lives would he??? You splitting up does not mean he would not be there for DCs

I don't know what horrible things he's done but you may well be psychologically healthier if you stop living with him. I know there are single parents out there who have serious mental health problems and they get support from other sources. As foolonthehill says, if he's a decent father he'll still have them at times and you will be able to rest then. Do you have any family support?

memoo do you think your HCP's professionals would want you to stay in a marriage that makes you unhappy ?

have you spoken to them about it, and asked the question about how much help you might expect ? And about the (remote) possibility that your dc would be removed from you ?

ask the hypothetical questions of the people who can help get support services in place, get it out in the open, fling wide that Pandora's Box

I get the feeling you are too frozen to even start exploring the possibilities (correct me if I am wrong)