living apart together LAT relationships

[DinahMoHum]

Is there anyone else here with one of these relationships.
Has it always been like this or did you decide to live seperatly after already trying living together first?

Me and my partner have been together 6 and a half years and always had a really good relationship, but the second half of last year was really tough with both of our mental healths, and my dp having a bit of a breakdown, and it being horrible, and then this january I had a breakdown too, and im still struggling, and we were going to split, but then realised we didnt really want to but we needed space. Now he has his own flat and comes round most evenings after work to help with putting the children to bed etc, and then we spend some time together and then he goes, and we spend time together at the weekends. It seems to be working out really well in lots of ways, even just the psychological part, knowing its my own space, and him knowing hes got his own place, seems to make things feel more fresh, and if we dont feel like seeing each other, its ok.
Part of me feels like why dont more people do this, and then another part feels like its all the wrong way round and i feel bad that we cant seem to live together properly without getting stressed. Im having trouble working out where things are going.

Well if it works for you both then fine!

How do finances work though? 2 homes is expensive surely

the financial side isnt a problem, just mainly that even though it seems to work, i feel a bit messed up about it. Ive never been that much of a conventional person and neither has he, but it just feels sad that its come to this,

Hi Dinah, who knows, you may feel like living together all the time in the future, but in the meantime I would enjoy your space, without worrying about it. I think a lot of people might secretly envy your set up. I certainly do. H and I have big problems but are completely unable to talk about them. Having three children, I would love to be able to live separately without burning all bridges. Just because society dictates a certain convention, doesn't mean that it's actually the best thing for everybody - I admire your bravery!

My dad and his partner do this, and have done for 12 years. They have one of the most rock solid relationships I know of.

They've never lived together. Lots of reasons. He had me and my sister at home (aged 19 and 17) and she had two small children from a previous relationship, so it was never on the cards at the outset. There would have been room - just, and obviously could have happened when we got older. Her previous relationship had been abusive and she fought tooth and nail for her independence and to get out of that, and they both felt that putting her in a position where she was dependent on him would undo that. He is also older than her, and thinks it is good for her to maintain her independence. He is also a bit reluctant on his own part, he fought hard to keep his house following his divorce, and as solid as they are, does worry about going through that again. Sad as it is, and much as he loves his partner, he worries about me and sis not inheriting the house long term. It sounds awful, but he has his rationale (ie. 'If I die, and she inherits, that's fine. But if something happened to her, her kids would get it. Again fine. If something happens to one of them and say DSD has hooked up with a wrong 'un and he gets it, and it's bypassed my daughters, I'd turn in my grave'....yes he thinks TOO MUCH). Not that I care about that or think about that, and we have a verbal agreement that she'll be looked after (I adore her).

They spend most nights together, he tends to decamp to his when they've had a barney. He is VERY involved with her children and is a bloody good dad to them. Its unconventional, but it works.

I think more people don't do this for a few reasons:

• Resources: It is expensive. There's a housing shortage as it is, us all getting divorced is fuelling this. It can be practically difficult.
• In the early stages of a relationship you go through that heady bit where you want to be together all the time. Then you live together and annoy each other. My dad and his partner didn't feel like it was an option for them to live together, and that's just how it has evolved.

I LAT with my husband, it came about through financial necessity as he started working away. I like it, I have my freedom in the week, work hard in my career, look after the children in the week and see him on the weekend. He likes it a bit less, as he's stuck away from home and doesn't see so much of the children.

But it works for us, for now.

One of the hardest things though is that others see fit to comment on this situation, usually saying it will never last, or he'll have an affair (I have seen this a lot on threads on MN when the OP suggests moving to the country and leaving the husband in London). My attitude is that if they are likely to have an affair, living together or apart makes little difference, as evidenced by the threads in relationships!

The other is whether you become less close over time as you are not engaged in the domestic day to day part of life. I prefer this as we found this very hard to share, whereas we have lots of fun on nights out/weekend outings with the family. I find it less stressful to run my own home and have him visit, but there is the danger you actually cope so well on your own you decide to split.

But, it sounds like the perfect breather for you and much better than splitting up if you still love each other and want a relationship. Perhaps you will have a year or two like this, then start living again together. I do know a couple who have lived like this for 12 years and counting and they have small children, so if it works for you, don't worry what others say, especially as your children are getting lots of time with both of you (but with less shouting, I guess!)

definitely less shouting and less stress. He was becoming very irritable and bad tempered for the last best part of a year, maybe more, but now hes not, and hes calmer and just like when we first met. He finds it hard in some respects too, and of course its more expensive, but it seems like the positives outweigh the negatives so far. I cant imagine being with anyone else, nor can he.

Dinah, sod convention; if it works for both of you, and it doesn?t hurt anyone, that?s all that matters. Personally I think it?s great. My brother and his partner of over 20 years used to live together, but now live apart and see each other at weekends so it works for them too. Best of luck to you both. Doesn?t Helena Bonheim-Carter and her hubbie do something similar? I think they own both parts of a semi and have a dividing door between the properties. I?ve always thought that would be the ideal living arrangement as cohabiting can be rather stressful at times.

Me and my DP do this. We both have children in their teens and have said it will stay this way until they are off our hands. I wouldn't want to go and live with him in "his house" and he wouldn't want to live with me in "my" house. So it's suits us fine. Best of both worlds in my opinion.

We plan to eventually buy something that we both move into together one day.

DP and I do this. we have been together nearly 10 years, and have never lived together. Its how it has always been, and although people do comment (esp my mum) we probably get on much better together than alot of people who live together. it suits us and we are happy.

i think if we do end up living together again, we'll need a much bigger place where we can both have our own space

Sorry to be thick what does LAT mean

DP and I do this. It worked for a while, but recently it's really not working for me.

He doesn't want to live together again, and I don't want to keep doing all the hard family "work" and have all of the responsibilities and restrictions on my life that basically being a single parent entails while he swans off and goes wherever he wants and does whatever he wants.

I think we're coming to where our relationship is going to end soon.

It's a known trick for benefit fraudsters!! So if any of you claim benefits, be very careful!

I was about to ask a similar thing on here, me and partner stil live seperate after few years together, would actualy live together if we could but circumstances dont allow at the moment, we have a baby together, and there are times when I get resentful at doing the lions share of raising our baby even though he is working full time, I think if you do move in together it needs to be new house new start for both of you. Is it making you unhappy? I was thinking about it today and obviously there are pros and cons to any situation but if you know for sure you want to be together should we be heading towards living together? (not you and me obviously us with our partners lol) I'm not sure but I wish we could share all the little parts of living together.

Also just to add it isn't benefit fraud if you really cannot afford to live together and therefor keep seperate houses.

I don't claim benefits but I do know you have to be careful in terms of whether someone is classified as a partner. In my case, he's my husband and we are still together, although technically we run separate households and only get together 1/2 days a week.

poppadoodle most of the people who I know who LAT do this because of circumstance, such as one living away, or having parallel careers, or needing an emotional break from each other. I think it is usual to want to share your life with someone fully- and you do have to be careful if you are LAT that one person is not opting out of the hard bits of running the household and looking after the children. When my husband is here on the weekends, he does cleaning, cooking and childcare, same as me, we both need a rest by then too. I would be pretty pissed off if I did all that all week and then he got an easy weekend while I kept on working. The OP appears to have the partner coming to do the night-time routine etc, so this may not be an issue, but it's something to watch.