feeling really awful...

[KimmySparkle]

hi all
i posted on here about 6 months ago regarding my dp messaging another woman and asking her out for drinks etc,and also the fact i was wanting to leave him due to him being violent in the past and him being emotionally abusive

will give some back ground info im30 1 dd with mld ,hes 40 unemployed generally not a nice person to be around says im nice to look at but personality needs some work he calls me a bint etc im looking for a house so i can separate, we live in a ha property with his name on tenancy only he says he cant move out he is the sole tenant i have no rights etc so me and dd have to find our own place.

i also said about the massive crush i had on dps friend well a few weeks ago i messaged him telling him i liked him he said he liked me too thought i was stunning etc for 3 weeks we talked a fair bit ,i asked was he seeing someone he said he was but that didnt mean he couldnt like somebody else?
he said it was up to him and he would sort it out
anyway he was saying a lot of sexual stuff how much he wanted to do this that and the other some of it i didnt like hes quite a few years older than me and eventually he asked me to come and stay over which i agreed

anyways it didnt happen he messaged me the day before said he couldnt do it to his gf and that he never really liked me that much anyway he was flattered by the attention because im at attractive girl i did give him loads of chances to say no we shouldnt talk like this or wait until we are both properly single but he didnt and now i feel stupid.

not looking for answers really just wanted to tell someone
thanks for reading if you made it this far

oh dear poor kimmy

you need to get yourself properly single girl!

am sure someone will be along soon to tell you that you shouldn't have kept pursuing him once you knew he was attached... i will leave the moralising to other posters but I will say that if you play with fire etc etc, you know what tends to happen.... but i can quite understand why you did what you did, it sounds like you are crying out for some affection

Your relationship with soon-to-be ex DP sounds awful and he sounds like a truly rotten bloke. Please please get rid of him properly and you can start to rebuild your emotional strength.

Have you talked to the HA about moving out? It might be worth seeking advice from Shelter or similar? I'm no expert but I am guessing that you and your DD would be a high priority for rehousing?

It sounds like you're having a tough time :(

Have you actually spoken to the HA about the house? They can tell you the truth about where you stand.

I'd steer clear of this other guy. You need to concentrate on yourself and your DD and getting safe. I know the attention would have been a great distraction and a huge boost for you confidence but you risking a whole heap of trouble if you keep up with it.

Good luck

Ah... Well, I suspect the erosion of your self esteem may have led you here. To be brutally blunt, I think you maybe need to consider why you are willing to be second best/badly treated by both of these men. I'd steer clear of men for a bit if I were you...

Get yourself and DD somewhere to live and focus on sorting yourself out a bit.

I have a great deal of sympathy for you. I know what it's like to live with someone who doesn't value you. It makes you vulnerable to attention from others no matter how unsuitable they may be.

hey thanks to all who took the time to write back to me today...
yes the attention was a distraction to what was going on at home,he said all the right things compliments, a guaranteed night of amazing sex and it made me feel better for a short while.

havent been to womens aid or shelter but someone from the ha has said the tenancy cant be transferred from x dp to myself but im going to find out more about this before i make a move

am still feeling very down at the mo just dont know what to do to make it better

Re housing you can go to your local authority, as you are fleeing DV and have a child you will be considered priority homeless, ie they have a duty to provide you with accommodation. Stay away from the other man, in fact stay away from any romantic/sexual relationships for a while. You could well find yourself with another abuser if you rush into something.

any other views on this? the guy has asked to be friends i feel so angry i feel like telling his gf!

I agree with the people that say get to know and like yourself before you plunge back into a relationship with someone. For the housing situation I'd say keep bothering the local Housing Authority until they sort something out. Don't be fobbed off. Sit on their doorstep until they help you. CAB are also a good place to get advice. Get yourself settled somewhere new, put some real distance between your new life and your old life and then work on finding ways to boost your self-esteem that don't rely on a man saying you're nice-looking. Things like joining in activities where you're likely to be with other women. The more you value yourself, the less you'll be vulnerable to smooth-talking shysters. Goodluck

Ignore the guy btw and don't give him the satisfaction of a reply. Also resist telling his girlfriend because it'll only end up that you're the bad guy. Head high.... chin up.... put yourself and DD #1

OP I think you must be in a very bad place because you were prepared to do to another woman what your partner did to you. You treated this man's girlfriend as though she was disposable and kept encouraging him when he implied that he would get rid of her.

When you're in an abusive relationship you're like an absolute magnet to other abusive tossers and this is what's happened here.

Get both men out of your life and don't see ANYONE for a long time until you're emotionally healthy again. If you don't learn from this you're going to keep on attracting absolute slimeballs and colluding in them treating other women as objects to be erased.

Great Charbon . It's clear the OP is desperate for affection and she didn't make a good decision on this occasion. But there's no need to add to the abuse she's been getting from her partner and give her a hard time over 'treating other women as objects'. Have a little sensitivity.

Oh and tell his girlfriend what exactly? That you started this correspondence by telling him you fancied him, that despite knowing he had a girlfriend you agreed to a night of sex and you're telling her now because you're pissed off because he backed out? Although her partner's behaviour has been appalling, all she will read into this situation is that a woman pursued him, he was flattered and responded to the attention but when the crunch came he got cold feet. She will also know that the only reason you're telling her is to punish him for rejecting you, not to give her a heads-up on the sleaze she's partnered with.

You would never have told her if this had turned into an affair you wanted to keep secret.

I disagree cogito. We are all responsible for our own behaviour and I hate to see women colluding in another's misery. There is just no excuse. I'm also amazed that women who've had this done to them think it's okay to do it to someone else.

I agree with the substance of what you said Charbon but the tone leaves a great deal to be desired.
I think the fact that the op reads 'feeling really awful' is a clue that someone is struggling.

I agree with what you say about shit magnets though. Often vulnerable people with poor self esteem do attract the attention of slightly bullying people who don't know how to treat others. So you would agree that treating such a person with some kindness may be productive in helping them feel worthwhile. Wouldn't you?

Kimmy, take the advice on here and check out the situation with the HA. It is tempting to look for reassurance in someone wanting to be with us but that is not going to help.

update: im not entitled to another house via council i have to stay put for the time being,they may pay towards a private rental deposit if i meet certain criteria
the bloke has messaged me wanting to see im ok ,heads all over the place i just want everything to be different :(

You poor thing...you are having a tough time and I hope things improve for you. Are you able to go onto the council house waiting list? Do seek advice from other sources like CAB. With rergards to him asking if you are ok-ignore him-don't engage in conversation with him any further. Like other posters have said-put you and you DD first....it's the only way forward as I am finding out. Best of luck to you and sending you big hugs x

do these awful feelings ever go away? :( anyone here ever been through similar and come out stronger ??

Kimmy, we have all been in bad places and done some stupid things wrt choosing and staying with men that are very bad for us

yes, the feelings go away eventually with time and you do come out stronger with one proviso

That you cut all contact with those that would harm you and learn a lesson from it. if we don't learn the lessons then we keep repeating the same behaviour.

kimmy, this other guy is a symptom of things not being right, but you are not quite ready for them to be any better just yet. The other bloke is merely life's way of showing you what it's like to think someone cares, and for you to find someone of your own to make you feel like that and for you to care for in return.

he doesn't care for you (or for his GF) he's a shit.

You need to find a proper man to be with, but that's not going to happen when you are living with this soon-to-be-ex dickhead. No decent man will get involved with a woman that's living with someone, and if it's a mate of his? even worse! What 'mate' will make a move on his friends GF? Seriously?

You need to get the hell out of that property, sort your life out, get settled, work out what happened to you and why (Freedom Programme, Why Does He Do That and Woman's Aid to start with) and then, and ONLY THEN look to inviting someone into your life.

The feelings, the rawness of them do subside, and you do learn a great deal about yourself in the process of healing. Right now you are adrift, confused, scared and worried. Arm yourself with information , find out your options, and where your support lies and USE IT!