advice needed please (long)

[wheretogonow]

have namechanged for this.

I have been feeling for a little while like my marriage is crumbling. we dont have sex, we never spend anytime together, we dont talk anymore hardly laugh.

Been married 2 and a half years. Have a DS together under one. So much stress going on trying to sell our too small flat and both working full time. For a couple of months though I cannot help but feel really unsupported by my DH. He works full time and does overtime at least 3-4 nights per week. On the nights he is home he crashes in front of the tv and we dont talk. One on the laptop one one watching tv.

I know he is tired and have tried talking talking to him about the fact he is never here and he has been trying harder to be around like he always tries to be home for bath and bedtime for baby and then he's gone again. He just says that he is trying to earn more money to move with but doesn't actually save any of the extra money he earns!

I have had lots of illness in the last 6 years (cancer, chemo, surgery to remove a lump in my chest, gallbladder removal, etc) and its really taking its toll on me. I feel unwell all the time and by the weekend I just want to crash but keep going for my son. He doesn't play with the baby or want to walk the dog with us or do anything. He just wants to play on his computer.

This is my average day : up at 6 - 6.30 am, feed baby, dress baby, and myself, feed dog, drop baby at nursery, go to work, home at lunchtime to walk dog, lunch back at work, leave work pick up baby, have dinner, baby bath, bottle and bed, then I clean up or do washing etc. and then I crash out. He leaves the house at 6 -7 am and is back around 3pm. Sometimes cooks dinner if he is working and then leaves at 7pm if so.

I just feel really resentful at the moment, like this isn't even a marriage and things would be simpler on my own. He's just told me he is going to start working saturdays too. On sunday he got the hump with me because I wanted to lay down as felt unwell and didn't want to go to the supermarket with him. I just cannot work out if this will get better or its really worth it right now.

I dont want to be a single parent but I practially am already. What should I do?

Talk to each other! From this perspective it sounds like you're suffering a communication drought. Get a babysitter and organise regular date nights so you can reconnect as a couple and not just new parents.

I have had so many conversations with him about this. He works a job where he can pick his hours and be around more but doesn't and ends up leaving early hours. I have told him how I feel and I just feel its going in one ear and out the other at the moment.

Definitely agree about communication drought!
But also, you sound as if you haven't yet got it clear in your head how much of your feelings of resentment are because of 'surface', 'short term' causes: tiredness, monotony, etc. and how much they are 'deeper' than that - if they are, that is. From what you've said it looks like your feelings and state of mind (and DH's too) are quite ordinary for someone who's exhausted, possibly run down and at the end of winter. (And I don't mean to belittle or minimise what you describe by calling it 'ordinary'.)
If you were given a proper physical break and recovery period, do you think you'd still have these feelings of wondering whether things would be better if you were apart from each other?

x-posts: OK, so there really is a communication/empathy issue.
Have you talked about how you would like things to change to improve them, though? I mean in a really 'idealistic' way? (Like 'I'd go to the South of France for 3 months, sleep 10 hours a night, eat fresh fruit and seafood' or equivalent?) I just mean trying to find ways that you and DH can work out what it is you could aim at to try and improve life generally, rather than (unintentionally) letting each other feel as if you're inflicting duties, when you're both already worked to the quick.

I asked him to organise his day to maybe leave for work at 7.30 instead of say 6.30 so that I could actually shower without having to be up at the crack of dawn or putting baby in cot/highchair in the bathroom. He agreed and has done nothing to try. that was two weeks ago. I wanted to take the dog out for a walk on sunday as a family to a local lake and he told me it was going to rain and then got up and took him without us as DS was going for a nap.
I just feel like I dont know what to say to him anymore. I told him a felt like things would be easier without him around but I didn't want that for my son and he got upset and cried but has done nothing to change since.

So I'm repeating myself perhaps, but it really does sound as if both of you are exhausted to the point of being depressed. (Armchair amateur-psychologist alert/disclaimer, obv, but the symptoms still look familiar enough to me.)
Is there any way that you could try and address that together? Start viewing your situation as something you're both in, rather than each of you taking the view that the other's slightly culpable? Or is that not what you really want? Would that just be soldering together a useless relationship for the sake of DS?

I dont know what I want any more. Its really got to that point that im not sure if I love him or if I am soldiering on for my son. I cant stop crying at the moment. i dont want a failed marriage but I cant keep going the way things are. Im not happy and I dont want my son to grow up around that atmosphere.

whereto - I really think you're suffering from depression. And I think it sounds like your husband is too.
In light of your situation, which would be more than enough for anyone who hadn't had health complications, I don't think that's surprising.
It sounds like you really need to get treatment for depression before you put yourself through trying to answer the questions and make the decisions you're talking about now.
Please book an appointment with your GP tomorrow. Please?

Thanks plump. I worry the dr is going to think I'm a hypocondriac soon! If I'm not unwell then the baby has picked something up at nursery so ill think about calling.