I need to help him (long sorry)

[babygsmummy]

Hi Ladies,I need some helpful suggestions to help my lovely dh.First of all I just need to give you some back ground so not to drip feed.

Last Feb,my dp was made redundant from a job he had for 19 years,he doesnt do change well.Luckily for him he got a simular job to start on the Monday after he had finished thr previous Friday.His mum had been diagonosed with dimenture (poss spm).He has always been a worrier and I have bought him books such as stop worring start living ect,but it doent seem to help.

We have been married for nearly 5 years in Oct I found out after much trying that I was pregnant and thought that it was the start of a changes that were positive.Unfortantley 3 weeks ago I was made redundant from a job I had been in for 14 years and Im 25 weeks pg now.

I have been noticeing since January that he looks more and more stressed and the last 3 weeks he just hasnt slept well at all.Yesterday I said whats up honey and it all came pouring out.He doesnt like his new job its 4 times as busy and doesnt feel like he gets support.He said he was going to speak to me about looking for a new job but then I was made redundant and he didnt want to worry me.

If Im honest I wouldnt care if I had to sell my home and move in with my sister as long as we are happy and togeather (not that my sister could afford the space to put us up),but you get my point.I need to help him though because Im scared of were this all could lead to,because of how his parents are I fear he could have a nervous break down or something,he and his mum are both very anxious people.Im not just scared for me,Im scared for my baby aswell,I wouldnt want it to grow up with a father who is so anxious,I wonder if dh is like this from learned behaviour from growing up with his mum anxious dispositition.His bloody sister doesnr help shes a 37yo spoilt needy brat who knows he worries yet,says things such as 'this might be mums last mothers day',Its also his 40th birthday on mothers day and his sister has goy a gob on because we booked ages ago to go to scotland,before we realised it was mothers day.

Anyway enough rambling,what am I going to do to help him,he refuses to go to the doctors re stress levels and sleep pattern and only just opened up yesterday by chance.I really love him and want to help him.Any suggestions ladies,I know this is the part of 'for worse' that we both agreed on,I just need some suggestions to help him not be so stressed.

I know I have rambled and there are some spelling mistakes,but please be kind and yes I do know there are people worse of than us,but I love him and want to help him instead of ignoreing it and putting my head in the sand.

Thanks in advance

Well, there's nothing actually stopping him looking for a new job, is there? He will probably feel better if he is actively doing something that may lead out of the current difficulties, feeling helpless feeds the worrying.

Why does he not want to go to the dr, is it male pride? Or fear of ads? Meds can be of great benefit.

Do both please enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to your new arrival together.

Thanks for your reply,I think its his male pride,he doesnt let people in alot he keeps things to himself and bottles things up,I can usually handle it but I just cant seem to get a grip of it this time.I know theres nothing stopping him looking for a new job and I have told him this.

I have mentioned loads of times about sleeping tablets,before I was pregnant I used to take silent nights sleeping tablets,just herbal but he wont even try them.

he is off next week so lets hope he starts sleeping better soon,I think sleep is the answer to everything.

Yes I am a great fan of sleep! Have been in jobs that got me down, tbh I have left 2 of them through stress/depression they have caused

I would wait till he has recoverd himself a bit next week, sounds like he's too stressed to think entirely rationally atm. Have you worked out what your financial position will be? And the redundancy is not linked to pregnancy is it? if so that's illegal I think, lots of good advice on Employment thread.

Yes we have looked at my redundancy and notice pay and all the other stuff,my maternity allowance is fine.I was made redundant because of insolvancy so no nothing to do with pregnancy,it was still a shock though.It just means I might after go back to work when the baby is 8 months old instead of a year old,but hey thats life.

we have had a chat since he got home tonight and he is going to see how this week goes and get some rest next week,well infact he is going to sleep in the spare room tonight just on the of chance that he sleeps.I might be wakeing him up with my tossing and turning.Then if he still feels stressed when he returns to work he will start to look for another job.

thanks pinkpussycat,its really helped that I wrote it down and was made up someone replyed as I felt like I was begining to lose my grip on it.

I have experinced stress but maybe not to the extent my dh has,Ima circle of control kind of person.How long did it take you to get over your stress and depression? if you dont mind me asking,Im wondering if it was because he had no time to greive his last job and colleauges,because when you work in a team you do become like a family dont you.

Thanks again.

Well I am not a natural nine-to-fiver, also I have a diagnosi of bipolar, but I think myself I have AS and ADD - this makes it hard to work when I don't feel like it, and the AS means I am a bit blunt especially if I feel I am being treated unfairly. Also have been in long-term marriage with emotionally abusive man - now divorced and feeling much better.

I say all this because it usually takes me about 2 years to fully recover, but as your circs are different, and especially as you seem to have a good relationship I don't suppose it would take him anything like that long.

Short term plans above look good.

but if he is a real worrier there is probably both an underlying tendency (from family) a learned response (from family) and a biochemical tendency (in brain).

It would probably help him a lot if he could/would go to GP as he may be helped with some antidepressant meds (some help with anxiety...brain) and then when stabilised some therapy (cognitive behavioural therapy is often available on NHS and is good for anxiety-family tendency/learned) to build resilience for the future.

how you get him to that point may be rather difficult, but at least you can know what is available so you can use the info if/when it seems productive to do so.

He could by pass gp and go see a life coach but as finances are a worry it makes sense to go to gp and get referred to Cbt on NHs doesn't it ?
If the stress is stopping sleeping etc then he has to take steps.

He
Not you
Because he is responsible for his mental health and well being

You can support him.

But if you keep agreeing that going to gp is a no no then he may slide further and yes become like his parents.... So encourage him to go to gp and explore help he should book a double appt ie double time at gp so has time to talk and discuss non med options if that is what he wants .

You don't want to leave this til you have a new born as well to look after

Make an appt for him at gp and march him there. .

You sound one of those delightful people who see the glass as being half-full and, as such, your laidback approach is the perfect foil for your glass half-empty, high anxiety, dh.

He sounds an eminently suitable candidate for cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) as mentioned by fool, above. If his GP makes the neccessary referral, he'll likely have a wait before he gets an assessment appointment it may be that popping a beta-blocker will take the edge off his worries, particularly if he finds that his stomach ties itself in knots when he gets stressed.

If he's completely opposed to 'medical' intervention, encourage him to give consideration to hynotherapy - your GP may be able recommend a local practitioner.

Mediitation can be of immense benefit in helping anxious types calm and control their overactive minds; I practise zazen (sitting) meditation daily.

You may find that EFT can kickstart the way to more positive thinking. Search Brad Yates on Youtube and get tapping! I use Brad's 'tap of the morning' when I know I've got a particularly stressful day ahead, and 'tap of the evening' before bedtime... it's a free, easy, fun, and doesn't feel at all like therapy! Have a go yourself and see what you think of it.

FFS! How many more times am I going to cock up tonight/this morning?

Please insert and between 'appointment' and 'it may be'

Since I gave my keyboard a long overdue thorough clean, it seems my fingers aren't making an impression when I'm typing little words quickly...

Sorry to hear about your problems, sounds mad I know but exercise is the answer, whatever he could do, if you can stretch to a gym that would be best but running is free. it is hard to motivate at first but once the bug hits even haqrder to stop. It will boost self confidence and help with sleep, energy levels and motivation. Best of all no crappy drugs.

OP my DS has a very stressfull job, that he hates, and is a dreadful worrier, and used to have sleep problems. He finds execise is a great calmer, he cycles, runs and swims.
It does keep him sane though, and he sleeps better too.
Something as simple as getting out in the fresh air and getting your heart and lungs going, works wonders.

OMG.....Thankyou all for your responses,I thought when onpinkpussycat replied that people thought it was an nonissue and I was being dramatic,but Im not dismissing pinkpussycat at all and I thank her for helping me get a grip on my thoughts.I actully had a little cry after reading the other responses.

some of you have read it so well,we do have a good relationship I know I would feel lost without him and izzyizin your right I am a half full kinda gal and he is the half empty kind but only when things go wrong.

Today Im going to make an appointment for next thursday (if the let me book that far ahead) because he will prob feel less stressed/pressured because he will be most of the way through his week off and if I plant the seed kike you have to with most men he will prob convince himself its his idea.Im also going to look at that tapping thing which I have read about.

We used to go running togeather then in December we stopped but last night we went for a walk togeather abit of fresh air might of helped a little bit,he slepted in the spare room and this morning he got back into bed about 6.30am we had alittle cudddle and a chat.I actully dont think it will be as bad as I first thought,maybe its just because I feel like he has heard me when we have talked rather than just listened.Small steps lead to big changes.

Thankyou all so much,Im so grateful you took the time to reply.

gp can refer to free gym programme (unless they all been cut...)

You sound absolutely lovely and clearly care for him a lot. This in itself is massively helpful, being supportive, listening, and hearing what he has to say (given you have your own stress with the redundancy). Redundancies and money worries do eat away at a relationship, if you need further help with money aspects, there are charities set up to help with financial issues (CCC, Payplan) or there's the good old CAB or governmental advice lines which can be really helpful in working out what you are entitled to during this difficult time.

Of course he is stressed, he lost his job, has a new one he doesn't like and we are in the middle of a recession so job-hopping isn't that easy. However, it also sounds like he is a nervous type of person. I don't think you will change him entirely, but there are things he can do be calmer and happier (one of the posts above lists them from CBT/meditation). He would benefit from chatting to a sympathetic GP about the options, round here you can get group meditation on the NHS- could you go with him if he's a bit reluctant. He should also look to change his job if possible, encourage him to think about this and help him apply. Good luck with it all, if you continue to think like a team, then you will cope with this stress much better than if you let it divide you.