Hint of violence, can't forget

[DyingRoses]

On honeymoon DH and I had an argument over something trivial and he lost it and (I was sat on the bed) pushed my face down onto the bed and pinned me there and shouted in my ear. Later apologised and we've not argued since and not hint of anything like that before. Should I just let it go? this happened weeks ago but I'm finding it hard to forget.

He does this on honeymoon? Not good at all. Frankly, I'd be walking away because this is how abuse starts, with the testing of your boundaries. I'd understand if you don't feel ready, but please, please do one thing - put off trying to conceive (assuming you don't already have dcs with him - apologies if wrong assumption) till a long, long way down the line when you're really tested whether this is just a once-off.

You are right to be finding it hard to forget. This is your self-protection mechanism kicking in. You clearly have good instincts, so keep them on high alert.

that's not a hint of violence.... that's just plain violence. if he had done that to a work colleague, the colleague would have been well within her rights to call the police and lay a charge of assault against him. i'm sorry this has happened to you.

i think you might want to start talking to a good counsellor or letting close friends know what's happened. it's really common for violence to start as soon as the marriage has taken place. you need to start protecting yourself psychologically as well as physically (because he will probably start making subtle emotional attacks in order to weaken you/prep you for more violence), and the key to that is to have a support network... so start working on that today.

you might also want to call women's aid and talk to them about what to do

Agree with Nickname. That's not not acceptable behaviour & should have alarm bells ringing. If you've not argued since ask yourself if it's because there's genuinely been nothing contentious or if you've been keeping the peace concerned about triggering a repeat performance. Was alcohol involved?

I agree with NNT

this is a very large red flag, OP

you would be foolish to brush it under the carpet

I wouldn't be letting it go. On your HONEYMOON????? This is a massive red flag.

please do not start to modify your behaviour to eep the peace

if you are frightened to act as you naturally would, then you have a massive problem

I also agree this wasn't a "hint" of violence, it was fully-formed violence

Has nothing like this happened before? How long were you together before getting married?

The fact he's done this on your honeymoon is really worrying, its like he thinks its ok to do this now because you're his wife, or some bullshit.

i'm willing to bet that he HAS done something before. Maybe not as obvious, but abuse always starts out in oh-so-subtle ways.

DyingRoses, this is the start of the long and slippery slope. he WILL blow up again, and worse, and worse and worse...

Get yourself some counselling. NOW. Don't do joint counselling whatever you do.

Ultimately, you need to end it. You need also to tell everyone why you are ending it and he needs to know that everyone knows he abused you on your honeymoon.

ONLY then when he feels the disgust of everyone he knows is it possible (although still extremely unlikely) that he will modify his behaviour and stop giving himself permission to abuse you.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, so that you totally understand that this is ALL about HIM and not you.

As AF says, don't modify your behaviour to attempt to placate him, he will simply find something else to throw a hissy fit at and punish you in some other way.

I also suggest you call WA for real life talking support. Come over to the Emotional Abuse Support thread (7) too, we'll hold your hand and help you keep strong and focussed.

I know you may be struggling with the term Abusive.

You can't say I'm a little bit Pregnant, neither can you say that someone is a little bit Abusive.

What he did was unacceptable. It is THAT black and white.

A 'hint'?? That is a monumental understatement if ever I heard one.

Are you being honest in your post? If I take your post at face value, and there really has never been anything approaching this kind of behaviour (and I mean NOTHING) beforehan, then I am going to differ from the above posters and say that I would be reluctant to actually finish the entire relationship.

You tell us nothing about the relationship itself though. So my above advise is based on the assumption you are happy in your marriage.

If you get another 'hint', then I would urge you to do as the above posters advise, and remove yourself from him, pronto.

Wow. This is definitely worrying. Do you know much about what he was like in his previous relationships?

Do not let this go. Otherwise it will happen again and you will spend all your time worrying about a recurrence and getting really good at tiptoeing around him.

Tell him he goes and gets a therapist for himself or he sleeps in the spare room indefinitely.

If you hesitate to tell him this, ask yourself why and if you really want to hesitate like that for the rest of your life. If you really can't stand up for yourself then get therapy for yourself. Do you feel confident about arguing with him again? If you have to stop even for a second before answering that then there is a massive problem in this relationship.

You would have been within your rights to call the police.