Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant.
Since I first got together with P nine years ago I've known that he is a controlling and manipulative person and we split for a couple of years because of it. I was in love with him when we got back together, and we had DS, and once I was pregnant he gradually became more hostile and critical and less loving. He had a precise idea of how we were to live our lives, i.e. how I was to live mine in a way that suited him, which involved me living in his house in the mountains miles away from London with the DCs while working for his company, while he lived and worked predominantly in London and arrived back to an idyllic 1950s setup in the country at weekends. When I got pregnant with DD his hostility increased. Every few months he'd suddenly descend into a sulk and barely speak to me and then, when it was late and I was tired, come in and start a row in which everything I said was denied or reframed as wrong, a lie or irrelevant. I knew that I needed to escape from the relationship and bit my tongue and waited. I was 26 when I had DS and hadn't really launched a proper career, so have been dependent on his company for work - there's nothing else to do round here.
At the weekend we had another of his quarterly scheduled rows. for the last 18 months I have made the decision to act as if everything is OK while I sort my life out, apply for jobs and get myself financially independent. I am no longer in love with him. I went along with everything he said, and was crying out of frustration while he yelled at me for not wanting sex when pregnant and daring to say that I am unhappy in a crap relationship cut off from friends and family.
What particularly disturbed me this time what that I would say something and he would claim not to have heard it and shout at me for not speaking. We are a foot apart from each other in the same room. I am speaking loudly and clearly. There is nothing wrong with his hearing as far as I'm aware. He's 58 but physically a lot younger. Whether he is so caught up in his warped version of events that he genuinely can't hear what I'm saying, or is trying to mindgame me into thinking I'm going mad, this is a new thing and I don't like it. Having previously thought that he is very difficult and that I will need to leave eventually for the sake of my sanity, I now feel that he is emotionally abusive in a way that is too problematic to stay with for much longer.
I don't want to be a burden on my mum and dad because I love them and we have a good relationship and for various reasons being dependent on them, even in the short term, with undermine the good relationship we have. I can't rely on P providing anything because he'll be angry and will feel that I've screwed him over. He's very well off but has his own companies and a clever accountant and will be able to hide most of his assets. I don't want to depend on him anyway. Needless to say we are not married because marriage is just a way of greedy evil women getting their grubby paws on men's hard-earned cash.
However, this means moving back to London with 2 DCs. DS is about to start school here in September. Getting him a place at a decent primary school in London will take ages. I can't afford to buy property near my parents, and definitely not in the area we live in. DD is too young for me to work full-time, and I wouldn't be able to afford childcare for her anyway. I considered leaving P and buying property here, but would still need work and the jobs situation is dire. Besides, I have no close friends or family here.
I really need advice on a decent exit strategy. I need someone to tell me that it is going to be OK, and that it is OK to leave P and that my children don't need a father who's an asshole so much that I have to stay with him forever. Does anyone have similar experience of this? What did you do? How did you do it?
I've namechanged for this BTW. Thanks very much in advance x