Fallen in love with my best friend

[TheMareofCasterbridge]

I tried not to, really I did, but have completely fallen for my best friend.

We have the most amazing platonic relationship. We share everything, including those deepest most personal secrets that you would never ever contemplate telling anyone. It's brilliant to be able to be truly, completely my unedited self without any kind of pretence.

For lots of reasons, us actually getting together would be impossible / wrong, so let's not worry about that happening.
But my question is, should I tell her how I feel or is it best kept secret?

Are either of you married or otherwise in committed relationships?

Well, seeing as its never going to happen, keep it to yourself.

Given your posts on the sexless marriage thread, this isn't falling in love and she isn't your best friend - she is someone who is providing closeness and imtimacy and sharing that you aren't getting at home.

I don't doubt your good intentions, but you are on course for a disaster. You need to put your energy into actually sorting your marriage out, not into this surrogate relationship, or if that isn't possible then end it before an affair happens and that is exactly where you are headed.

You are married. I have seen you on another thread. So what to do? Distance.

What Elusive said.

Yes, married, hence why I said nothing is going to happen. As you may have read on another thread, I am not the type to have an affair and I stand by that 100%.
And yes, I am aware that this is a surrogate relationship, but if closeness and sharing isn't available where it should be and is never likely to be (and believe me, have done and continue to put a lot of energy into trying), then why not get it from another source? A sort of portfolio of different parts of a relationship, if you will.

Anyway, have gone a bit off topic here, my question was not about whether I am right or wrong to feel that way, but rather how honest can a "perfectly" open and honest relationship be when the "secret" pertains to that relationship? Ultimately survival of the friendship is more important I think, therefore I am thinking some things are best kept to oneself.

Everything changes in life. You have a partner - does your best friend? If not, when she does find one, she will have less (or no) time for you and you could be left in a very cold, lonley place :(

No-one can help falling in love, but you know nothing will ever come of it so if possible it is better to take a few steps back and fall out of love as it were. Better to have less contact under your own control than be left with nothing if she enters into a relationship and you have to cope with jelousy as well as seeing her less. If she is in a relationship herself which is lacking, similarly she may sort it out with her partner and again you lose out and get hurt.

I am not the type to have an affair and I stand by that 100%.
What makes you think that you're so different from all the people who have believed that about themselves and found themselves having them? Hundreds of thousands affairs have started with good people like you, with exactly the same thoughts about affairs, in exactly the same situation as you. It's a predictable path and you are already walking it. You say you are 'not one for affairs'. Would you have said X years ago you were one for falling in love with someone other than your wife?

And yes, I am aware that this is a surrogate relationship, but if closeness and sharing isn't available where it should be and is never likely to be (and believe me, have done and continue to put a lot of energy into trying), then why not get it from another source? A sort of portfolio of different parts of a relationship, if you will.
Because it's almost certainly likely to end in disaster - for you, your family and for these other people who you wish to add to your 'portfolio'. It's not nice to use other people to compensate for the parts of your life that are missing. Living in a sham marriage and getting different bits from different people, not giving yourself 100% to anyone, not getting 100% from anyone is no way to live. It'll almost certainly end in affairs and mess you up and very probably the family. I'm not moralising, it's a just shitty way to live even in the, very unlikely event, that you never ever cross the boundary to a physical affair and all the ensuing pain and trauma that brings to everyone.

Anyway, have gone a bit off topic here, my question was not about whether I am right or wrong to feel that way
My comment wasn't about whether you were 'wrong' to feel that way, just pointing out that if you sincerely, as you claim on the other thread, do not want to have an affair, then you need to see what is happening and what is likely to happen.

Ultimately survival of the friendship is more important I think, therefore I am thinking some things are best kept to oneself.
Yes, I think so. There are a number of reasons you should keep it to yourself.

1. If you tell her, you're one step further to having the affair you claim you don't want.
2. It's massively unfair to another person to declare feelings when the feelings aren't even about them and are as a result of what's missing in your primary relationship. If you care about her wellbeing, you definitely won't tell her.

How infuriating! Spent ages writing long response explaining everything and when I clicked post it all disappeared!

Sorry, I can't write it all out again.

Anyway, is all cool, have got a grip.
Thanks all for very thoughtful responses and advice which I shall take. Ta.