Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how to move on

8 replies

Myheadmyworld · 12/03/2012 03:51

I've been married to DH for 4 years and DS is 7mo. Our 1st year was amazing. 2nd year of marriage we hit a very rough patch, I quit my job in a moment of stupidity, it was making me feel miserable and I was having my first ever anxiety attacks. We had no savings and it was mid recession. DH was initially supportive but when a month passed and finances were tight it turned to fury. He called me irresponsible and selfish, I grew depressed and he seemed resent it more than show any support whatsoever. It took me 5 months to find a new job which I am still in been, been promoted twice already since starting and truly love the job. DH and I tried to 'patch things up' by just going on with life and trying to act like a happy couple but that period had shot down any self esteem I had (and it was quite high). I feel sexually unconfident and our sex life is dead, to put it bluntly, the more this frustrates him the worse I feel and the more I bottle up :-( I do want sex and at times I mentally prepare myself all day to make an advance and as soon as I see him it's like a lump in my throat. We have now been apart for 2 months him on work overseas and me staying w mum on maternity leave. We are reuniting next week but this period has been terrible! We have argued, he has said he has been so unhappy with our sexless marriage that it has depressed him, he says he loves me and wants to work through it when we are back he says he will stop working such long hours, he will help relieve some of the day to day stresses of life ( cleaning, which he never did, taking care of the baby etc) he wants me to also make an effort he says since I left my last job I lost all confidence that it's even making me less attractive! It's true but I didn't want to hear it, I want to work things out but what if I freeze up again? I do feel unnatractive, I hate post baby saggy tits and tummy and feeling so depressed I'm only sleeping 2 hours at night. To make matters worse yesterday I hacked into his email to find out he sent his ex an email to say 'u came up in a conversation w my mum the other day hope u are well" ....this was sent 5 mins after he ordered me lingerie online..... I feel terrible, I love DH and I know he loves me and our son he would never cheat but i feel ive pushed him close to iy I want this to work. Please help me snap out of this before next week! Please

OP posts:
chocolatehobnobs · 12/03/2012 05:00

Don't know if this will help. When I was very down and inclined to dwell on things a friend died. Her funeral was packed with people remembering her smiles get up and go and kindness. It made me think about what people might say at my funeral and made me determined to live life to the full.

Re sex post baby you are not alone. I am also 4 months down the line from having a baby . We haven't had sex yet initially due to exhaustion and then bleeding and discharge but I also feel unconfident about my overweight saggy tum with c section scar. DH is a fitness freak who is fatist - I worry that he doesn't find me attractive ( I know he doesn't as much as normal) we didn't have sex when I was pregnant due to him not fancying me. I am trying to get going in the morning and do some exercise to lift my mood and tone up a bit. It does help me feel more in control and like my normal self. I.m also trying to take more interest in the outside world like current affairs so I have something to say apart from baby talk.
If he is buying you lingerie he does still fancy you good luck op.

empirestateofmind · 12/03/2012 05:18

DH is a fitness freak who is fatist - I worry that he doesn't find me attractive ( I know he doesn't as much as normal) we didn't have sex when I was pregnant due to him not fancying me

chocolate- you were having his baby, and this was his attitude Shock

empirestateofmind · 12/03/2012 06:10

OP have you had any help to get your mind around your anxiety and lack of self-esteem? You do sound very down which is hard for you and your DH.

chocolatehobnobs · 12/03/2012 07:15

Don't know if this will help. When I was very down and inclined to dwell on things a friend died. Her funeral was packed with people remembering her smiles get up and go and kindness. It made me think about what people might say at my funeral and made me determined to live life to the full.

Re sex post baby you are not alone. I am also 4 months down the line from having a baby . We haven't had sex yet initially due to exhaustion and then bleeding and discharge but I also feel unconfident about my overweight saggy tum with c section scar. DH is a fitness freak who is fatist - I worry that he doesn't find me attractive ( I know he doesn't as much as normal) we didn't have sex when I was pregnant due to him not fancying me. I am trying to get going in the morning and do some exercise to lift my mood and tone up a bit. It does help me feel more in control and like my normal self. I.m also trying to take more interest in the outside world like current affairs so I have something to say apart from baby talk.
If he is buying you lingerie he does still fancy you good luck op.

Original poster
Myheadmyworld · 12/03/2012 07:27

Thanks chocolate, my husband is very much the same (tbh I was a bit of a fattist too) %23 of times we had sex during pregnancy I can count on one hand :-( I have lost most if not nearly all the weight but my confidence is shattered. I am happy that he is making an effort, he is planning date nights, arranged babysitters for me to meet, we just moved into a new flat and he talks about home projects we can do together. He's saying and doing all the right things and I should be happy and looking forward to it all but i only feel pain (sharp constant pain in my chest) and anxiety

I'm usually a practical and logical person I understand how much nonsense this all sounds but I just can't snap out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myheadmyworld · 12/03/2012 07:30

Empire I have been so wrapped up in my own world lately that I don't feel I am close enough to anyone to tell them how I am feeling. Funny enough anyone who knows me thinks I'm quite a bubbly person and would probably never guess what's going on.

OP posts:
chocolatehobnobs · 12/03/2012 08:27

Op that's fantastic that you have managed to lose the baby weight - feel proud of yourself. It's also brilliant that your DH is arranging date nights and looking forward to making your family home great together. You also are doing well at work.
Perhaps a little time out would do you good - spa day, bike ride , long walk? Do whatever helps you get some head space.

balia · 12/03/2012 08:31

I think you should head straight to your GP, it sounds like PND to me. You can't 'pull yourself together' if that is the case - you need expert help.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page