Shall I speak to my friend about her miscarriage or not?

[SundaeGirl]

A very close friend of mine has had a miscarriage, a couple of weeks ago. I didn't find out from her, I found out from a mutual acquaintance (not close to my friend) who just assumed I'd know. I didn't even know she was pregnant.

A lot of weird stuff has been up with this friend and since it was all related to her it didn't occur to me to take as anything to do with me when I was told. However, thinking it over there seems to be a bit more to it.

Now, I've seen my friend twice seen the miscarriage and she hasn't mentioned it. She does speak to me. I'm one of the few people who knows how seriously screwed up her marriage is, how her husband is barely ever at home, how they've never really got on since they got married, how they have no money, how neither know how to make careers for themselves, etc. I'd guessed things weren't great. However, after years of this she only confided in me when her DH moved out last October (he moved back in 10 days later).

What do you think? Should I just not mention the miscarriage? That seems odd as we are great mates.

Should I bring it up? But isn't she avoiding telling me? (Possibly because she might guess that I know how unideal a pregnancy would be for her).

I don't want to make things worse, basically, and I know it's not about me.

I would bring it up - but just as a "I was so sorry to hear about your loss, if you want to talk about it, I'm here"

She may think you would have judged her as you knew her whole situation, and may be embarrassed by that - even if you would not have....

I wouldn't mention it. She will broach it if she wants you to know. Agree that she might think you might judge as you know more about her relationship.

Could it be that the information x told you is untrue?

When you're next alone with your friend I suggest you wait until an opportune moment arises - maybe when you're having a 'who said what to who' - and say 'by the way, x told me that you'd had a miscarriage a few weeks back.. if that's true, I'm so very sorry for your loss and hope I'm not being out of place in mentioning it to you'.. and then take your cue from her.

It could be that your friend has no idea that x may be telling all and sundry details of her private business, or it could be that she didn't tell you about her pg because she may feel that, knowing the parlous state of her marriage, you'd be less than happy for her but, in any event, I don't see any harm in you rasing the subject in a tactful manner as I'm sure your friend would want to know if it transpires that her private business is being bandied about by a gossip.

Yeah, it think she will think I will judge her. The truth is, I do judge her a tiny bit. She has a DC (my godson) who has already been put through a lot of stress by his parents situation.

She has been trying desperately to conceive over the last year - by my count this is her fifth miscarriage in 12 months (she told this mutual friend it was her fourth, if that's relevant). After the miscarriage before this one in the New Year, I said to her that although I had zero medical training I wondered if her body might be so stressed by her unhappiness that it might be better to leave trying for a child for now while she sorted out relationship/money seriousness. She seemed to agree but I'd never discussed it before or since.

The thing is - what to do now? I may be a weeny bit worried about her and her DC but I'd still like her to know she can talk to me and lean on me.

Izzy, that'd be a good way in. As it happens this friend isn't a gossip, she just asked me directly: 'how is X doing? she told us about the miscarriage when I saw her at Y's last weekend'. I was quite taken aback but I'm pretty certain it's true.

Although you are right that it doesn't quite stack. This girl had been told a different number of miscarriages to me. I don't want to be some kind of petty sleuth about the details, though, as that seems a bit mean to someone who's not having a great time. I want to take her at her word but I'm a bit confused.

Even when asked for your views, the problem with offering an opinion on someone's relationship is that you may be saying something that the other person doesn't want to hear.

It sounds to me as if you've previously said your piece and all you can do now is not refer to it, and 'be there' for her as non-judgementally as you can manage until such time as she actively solicits your advice on her marriage and/or on her attempts to conceive.

From what you've said, it sounds as if your friend is ttc in the misguided belief that this will solve her marital problems and only time will tell if she is right - or if she''s got it very wrong indeed.

It's a bummer, isn't it? But if you want to stay friends with her I reckon you're going to have master the painful art of tongue-biting.

My post above was in response to yours of 19.54.

With reference to your post of 17.59, I reckon that if opportunity arises you should raise the subject as it may enable you to modify your previous disapproval backtrack and make it appear as if time has softened your opinion of her ill considered attemts to conceive marriage.

If she has had 4 miscarriages in the last 12 months, then the last must have been fairly recent, so could she have just been referring to that one? Just a thought...........

I wouldn't raise it with her.

"I said to her that although I had zero medical training I wondered if her body might be so stressed by her unhappiness that it might be better to leave trying for a child for now while she sorted out relationship/money seriousness. She seemed to agree but I'd never discussed it before or since"

Have been through recurrent miscarriage. This wasn't a good thing to say: it implies fault on her part for the losses and is judgmental. Unhappiness / stress does not cause m/c; nor does conceiving soon after m/c.

Having said that, can understand your concern about her ttc, her situation sounds a bit fraught. Perhaps just spend time with her as usual.

Flossie, she had one at New Year, this was another. 5 in twelve months that I know about but maybe there have been others. Like I say, I don't want to interrogate information out of her.

Her pregnancy focus is very, very strong. She's only 31 so not like she's running out of time or anything, she's just desperate to get pregnant. Her first pregnancy was a body blow to her relationship and a massive physical blow to her (she was in hospital for weeks). An 'accident' but not really on her part, but now the DC/life with children is a huge strain on them both when they hadn't been together long beforehand. So, yes, I guess it is obvious that I will know this and see how hard it could be for her in the future.

Still, obviously, it isn't my life or my deal. I just want to know how to strike the right friend-role.

Dozer, I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages and also that I may have said the wrong thing. I meant well.

OP I know you mean well, but as someone who has had a miscarriage, if someone has said the wrong thing to me, or said something to me that made me feel worse, I won't speak to them about it again. It's not you, it is just a really sad thing to happen and if she doesn't speak to you about it, I really wouldn't raise it.

A close friend of mine did this and probably didn't realise it. My first day back at work after my erpc a coworker announced their pregnancy. I was shocked and didn't know what to say ( I didn't want to hurst into tears right there in the middle of the office) I grabbed my friend and said 'Coworker is pregnant... I dont know what to say' and my friend said blithely 'oh I know, just say congratulations'...

Basically she totally missed the point as I just wanted support and sympathy and she didn't get it.

So what Im trying to say in a very long winded way, is that you might not have said the wrong thing, but you might not be saying the right things. And if she is sad and stressed, she won't confuse in someone who might not say the right thing and might make her feel worse ( even unintentionally )

I hope this helps...

Confide, not confuse...! Stupid spell check in the iPhone...

i would say anythink but mayb talk to her about her husband and make sure he is not being abucive to her see if she opens up to u