Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

stbx mil wants to meet for a coffee ...

16 replies

LiarsWife · 11/03/2012 16:45

My mli was very supportive when i told her that i suspected her son was having an affair back in October .. however since I found evidence and he admitted all she has not been supportive of me at all..which i expected... he was living with her and fil from hogmany til last week. Anyhow she dropped off some of DDs things today and made a bit of a snide comment ...she has since texted me that she hopes she didn't upset me that she had been insensitive and could i meet her for a coffee.. I'm not really sure how to.play it and would be grateful for some wise words x

OP posts:

fabwoman · 11/03/2012 16:47

It shouldn't be about playing. She is your children's grandmother and maybe she wants to apologise. Go in ready for a fight and you will be acting like a tit tbh.

AgentProvocateur · 11/03/2012 16:48

If you got on OK with her when she was your MIL, I think it would be a good idea to meet her for coffee. She's still your DD's granny, and she's probably feeling caught between a rock and a hard place.

schobe · 11/03/2012 16:51

Hmm, tricky one. With kids involved obviously you want it to stay as amicable as poss, but meeting for coffee may just lead to further disagreement and harsh words tbh.

Can you just thank her for the apology (of sorts!) but say you're not up to coffee just yet (or similar excuse). You can stress that you would very much like to regain your former mutually supportive relationship, not least for the sake of the children. Can you slip in a veiled reference to there being two sides to every story but you can understand how her primary loyalty is bound to be with her DS?

BIWI · 11/03/2012 16:53

Go. Be yourself and don't play games. She will be feeling very guilty about her son and defensive of him - but a good relationship between you will be very important for you as well as for your DC.

Original poster

LiarsWife · 11/03/2012 16:59

i feel as though i am being excluded even though i have done nothing wrong e.g. Brother in laws baby arrived and she didn't text me but she texted her hairdresser

.When i said how should i play this it was the wrong phrase. should i tell her how hurt.i am with her lack.of support and snide comments or just leave it?

OP posts:

Chrononaut · 11/03/2012 17:09

Go meet her, as was said by others be yourself and relax. maybe she wants to talk things through. Make sure you also let her know that your grateful for the apology and you wont hold it against her (should she bring up the comment she made)

Your lucky op! there are alot of women whose MILS would never dream of apologising and trying to made amends!

Chrononaut · 11/03/2012 17:10

sorry x-posted.

leave it, if it comes up in conversation then your free to talk i guess, but dont go in all guns blazing

Xales · 11/03/2012 17:21

I would say from your last post that she no longer thinks of you as a DIL just her son's ex wife. As such I would let the not being informed go and not expect to be included in these things in future. Sad and hard

I would let the current snipe go. If she does it again bring it to a sharp stop there and then. You may no longer be her DIL however you are still another person, you have done nothing to be treated this way and you expect to be treated with civility.

Really sad for you to be cut out.

BIWI · 11/03/2012 17:24

But she's invited you, which surely is a good thing - a bit of an olive branch?

Go with an open mind, and see if you can build a relationship with her as another woman, rather than your MIL.

Hassled · 11/03/2012 17:24

She'll always be your DD's grandmother and if you can salvage a half-decent relationship with her out of this then that would make your life a lot easier in the long term. She was gracious enough to admit she'd been insensitive, and it must be hard for her knowing her DS has been a knob but at the same time wanting to support him. Meet her, be polite, see how it goes.

thegreylady · 11/03/2012 17:26

Try it once for the sake of your DC. If it is horrible you never have to do it again.

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2012 18:28

What was the snide comment? How friendly was the relationship prior to the breakup?

Original poster

LiarsWife · 12/03/2012 15:10

The comment was in response to my comment that i was missing DD as she'd been with her dad 5 nights.. she said 'well you're taking her on holiday in the summer' in a really snappy way.

I met her and she chat chat chatted about everything but the situation and asked what i want for my birthday??? I just find it a bit confusing really

OP posts:

MyLittleMiracle · 12/03/2012 15:24

I think your MIL, wants it to be fair for everyone, of course her main loyalty is to her son, but she also is trying to understand your feelings too. She probably wants to avoid talking about what he did, because not only is she ashamed that he did it, but also that she doesnt want to bring up the hurt and rub salt in the wound. She probably does want a good relationship with you as well as you are mum to her grandchild(ren). I dont get on with ex MIL, but then again we never really got on that well in the beginning.

2rebecca · 12/03/2012 15:38

I think you relationship with inlaws does change when you separate as although they stay your kids' relatives they are no longer your relatives. I don't hear any news about my ex's family, he tells the kids direct and my inlaws now see the kids via him. Whose fault the split was is irrelevent for this and just shows that inlaws are never really your family in the way your own family are, they come and go with the marriage.
See her if you want to, give it time if you want to.

catsrus · 12/03/2012 16:39

that's not always true 2rebecca - i have a fantastic relationship with my ex-MIL and she is officially the world's best grandma . It's really hard for mothers of wayward sons - of course they love them and want to support them, even though they may have sympathy for the exW. My ex in-laws are still my family and always will be.

The crucial thing is to never say anything negative about the exH to them, if you don't put them in a position where they have to choose 'sides' then it is perfectly possible to keep good friendships (assuming they existed to start with!)

Flip