DH reluctant to take kids/give me a break

[cheekymonk]

Well thats it. Dh works full-time and is away 2-3 nights a week with work sometimes. I have no family nearby to help with DS aged 7 and DD aged 1. Yesterday he refused to go to soft play place I suggested taking kids too as he 'had better things to do than just sit there, he could be getting on with things in the house' so refused to come. I took them both and we had a great day. He did clean up a bit but I felt a bit miffed at the last minute refusal to come really. Today I am trying to sell a few bits on Ebay. Baby is asleep and ds and dh playing outside. I go out to put the washing out and he says' oh here comes the mafia' ds is then a bit aggressive, jumps on the computer when i asked him not to as I was in the middle of something. I pull him off and he chucks a magnet at my face which really hurt. I then got cross and shouted at ds and squeezed his cheeks. I know this is awful but its so frustrating. Why can dh just take kids out. I need some time away but he just seems so bloody reluctant. Last weekend we were all going out then dh said I'll keep kids at home which I jumped at. DS then wated to come with me which annyed Dh but ds and me had a great time. I find dh just brings up constant obstacles to how we do things and hates doing anything he doesn't enjoy or doesn't benefit him. him and ds don't have a great relationship and I'm worried mine and ds will be crap too if I get so frustrated. I have told Dh I need a break especially as dh never cooks and is not great domestically but all I get is he works etc. I work part time too and I just don't feel things are working well at all. Any advice?

Dh is now upstairs with kids almost hiding away, making me feel like a right monster :(

If this is how you want your son learning what relationships are like and how women deserve to be treated, just leave the kids with him one day he's not working & go out yourself for the day. He's informed you that he won't be doing housework because 'he works', so looks like it's up to you. :s
I have nothing productive to say, sorry... I can't understand why so many women are in relationships like these, I mean if a stranger in the street spoke to you the way your darling husband does, what would you do? But it's ok for darling husband to do it because...?

Hugs Cheeky.

Even is kind of right. I think you should take that break and even if DS wants to come ask her to please stay at home with Daddy and take the day for yourself. You can make it up to her later, she'll get over it. It might feel nasty but you are doing it to make yourself a better parent. We ALL need a rest!

Also can you get help to make things easier for you around the house? A cleaner maybe so you're not so frazzled?

I think its interesting that DH got annoyed when DS wanted to come with you. Is there some underlying sadness on his part that he's not with them as much / doesn't have as much fun with the kids as you do? Could he secretly be worried about his own parenting skills and taking that out on you? Bit pop-psycology I know but maybe there's something there? Maybe he really wants some one on one time with DS but doesn't know how to say so?

Thanks both. I miss my one to one time with Ds so hence why i said yes but I know, maybe for my own mental health I should have said no. A cleaner would be lovely but can't afford it!
Yes I think Dh is sad about this relationship with ds. He is very hard on him. Ds is demanding but whatever he asks for seems too much for dh. He rarely speaks to his own dad, who refuses to speak to him on the phone as dh has broad fast scottish accent. I think dh upbringing definitely affects his own parenting but he denies this. He does want one on one time with ds. He is great with dd, couldn't do more for her...

It reminds me of my parents relationship slightly. My MUm told my Dad for moths/years things weren't right and he carried on, oblivious. One day she redecorated and didn't move his stuff back in. They've been separated ever since. I do think our relationship needs some work.

All this has got me thinking about our family and its dynamics etc.
DH works f/t and is away 2/3 nights as stated. Dh may pick up kids once a week.
I work p/t 3 days a week. I take ds to school and dd to nursery and pick up both.
I do all shopping, most of housework, most of washing/ironing, most of cleaning. I monitor the bank a/c and was told by dh that we 'must not get into debt this month' but he rarely looks at a/c! I sort all the childcare for the holidays etc. I do all the cooking.
We share putting kids to bed, if I do ds, dh does dd. Not complaints on that front. When dh comes in from work he watches dd so i can do tea.
We used to go everywhere together on weekends but less so lately. dh and dd get on well. dh and ds not so. I am fine with dd and ds but me and ds are the most volatile memebers of the family and can be easily upset. Dh rarely gives any praise to ds and they fall out alot. I am too soft with ds then explode.
I feel buried alive sometimes. I definitely need more space. feeling like this makes me a horrible Mum. I try so hard to keep the family together but lately have been more negative about dh which I know i shouldn't do. DS has very little respect for dh. he sees him as lazy and unhelpful. Last weekend ds got really upset with dh, saying that dh doesn't love him, he's not interested in ds stuff and doesn't want to be with him. i was bathing dd and was appalled at how little dh said to reassure ds.
I can feel invisible sometimes and I wonder if ds also does with dh. Dh cuddles me and tells me he loves me etc but can be possessive and doesn't really like being apart from me. He copies me and will order the same as me in a restaurant.
He can be stubborn, not long after dd he refused to buy formula to the point that i got my shoes on to go out at night to get it but he relented in the end. The other night he went out at 10.30 to get calprofen for dd.
I feel put upon but am scared about any damage to the kids. He laughed at me last night when i suggested that he bring bac a souvenir for ds from some of the places he visits when away. That really took me aback. I was trying to build bridges.
He seems emotionally immature/disconnected sometimes like he will never pick up on a cue when it is time to leave someones house.
Its hard to know what to think/do?

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Cheeky monkey, I don't really know quite what is going on, I can relate a bit though as my husband also works away in the week and it can make weekends really hard work for everyone, as everyone is tired and feels put upon. I totally get why you need a break on the weekend, you are knackered from the entire week, so is your DP from working away.

I also find mine play up a bit on weekends and so it's even harder. Your son sounds a bit unsettled, clingy to you and pushing dad away (it sounds like actually he's rejecting him hoping he'll get closer to him and reassure him, my dd does the same). The things that have helped me include me being calmer (doing relaxation), getting a rest on the weekend (so son goes with DP next time or watches a DVD while you have a nap) and letting them sort their own relationship out (try not to get too over emotional or engaged). Pinching DS (which is what you did) is your responsibility, not husbands.