Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

In a massive mess and don't know how to get out please help!

50 replies

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 11:16

I'm posting this on behalf of my Sister who's not sure what to do.

She's been married for 14 years to a man who can at times be very selfish. He won't go on days out with their child unless he really has to. He can be really mean with money and lots of other things like this.

Not long after he left her in hospital after having a miscarriage she started an affair. This has been going on for a few years now. The other man has become a friend to her Husband and is part of the family almost. She's tried to end it loads of times but he won't take no for an answer and she ends up giving in again.

Recently she's become close to another man. They're just friends but the texting has been a bit flirty at times. The wife of this man has seen these text messages and is not happy. My Sister doesn't know what the other woman will do next and can't find a way out of this mess.

OP posts:

QuintessentialyHollow · 11/03/2012 12:51

She needs to tell bloke 1 that she is also telling her husband, so he better stay out of their lives.

bringbacksideburns · 11/03/2012 12:54

Well, she needs to be prepared for a massive fall out then. Or lots of emotional blackmail/the possible end of her marriage.

Or he may slink off and never bother them again, which i'm sure her H will notice.

I really question if you do love your partner, how you would not learn from your first mistake though re: flirty texting.

MissKeithLemon · 11/03/2012 12:56

She sounds like a friend of mine, although she has no sisters so it can't be! IMO your sister is being utterly selfish and should end her marriage quickly and honestly, her husband deserves that at least after what she has done. I mean, really?? Her lover is at her house every day?? And she still has time to get involved with man no.3 and jeopardise another relationship? What a complete cow.

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 12:58

I don't know the answer to that. Hopefully she'll learn from this and not do it again. If she could get bloke 1 out of the picture things would be okish.

OP posts:

Sugary · 11/03/2012 13:00

Your sister sounds dreadful! Sorry.

I would question why she had an affair in the first place if she claims to love her husband. Yes, I'm not stupid, people do illegitimate things for legitimate reasons, but the mess your sister is in is because she seems immature and attention/thrill seeking. IMO.

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 13:08

I think she just got swept away with it all and once it started she couldn't stop. She can be easily led at times.

OP posts:

RachyRach30 · 11/03/2012 13:16

Easily lead? Try selfish, only cares about herself, attention seeker, childish.

Your enabling her behaviour.i think you know what she should do. So why not tell her?

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 13:20

I don't know what she should do. I'm torn between confessing all and keeping her mouth shut until she needs to confess. I've never been in a situation like this so what i feel and she does are completely different.

OP posts:

Angelico · 11/03/2012 13:29

I've got to be honest, whatever sympathy I had for your sister dissolved the moment I saw she was texting someone else's husband. She needs to grow up and stop trying to feel like the star in a rather bad soap opera. An affair I can understand under the right circumstances but there is something amazingly calculating about carrying on an affair with someone who is almost 'part of the family'. Clearly she's an accomplished liar.

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 13:45

He wasn't part of the family when the affair started. He intergrated himself into the family after the affair started.

There's no excuses she knows that.

OP posts:

RabidEchidna · 11/03/2012 13:50

Your sister needs to grow the hell up, first if she is unhappy with her husband she should leave, not shag around, not bring her boyfriend in to her home and stay the hell away from married men, I hope the married mans wife drops her right in it TBH

Hattytown · 11/03/2012 13:51

Your sister allowed him to integrate himself into the family. I expect she gets a sordid kick out of seeing her lover and her husband in the same room.

She sounds narcissistic, cruel and appallingly selfish.

Are you honest with her about what she is like and that this is all her fault and no-one else's, or do you encourage her to think of herself as a victim? Because what this woman needs most of all is someone telling her that her behaviour is damaging lots of innocent people's lives as well as her own.

There are just no excuses for this and I hope you don't collude with any she tries to make.

thisisyesterday · 11/03/2012 14:03

misskeithlemon unless there is no sister and it's actually the OP???

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 14:05

No there really is a sister i promise this isn't about me.

OP posts:

fabwoman · 11/03/2012 14:10

I think it is time you she grew up and finished things with man 2 as well as one and fixed things in her marriage.

hopkin · 11/03/2012 14:13

She's fucked it. There will be no happy ending and there's no optimal course of action at this point. Her life is fucked.

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 14:14

I don't think she'll be contacting bloke 2 now after his wife found out. They do work together though which will make things awkward.

OP posts:

EvenBetter · 11/03/2012 14:38

If some harlot embarked on a campaign to attempt to steal my husband there would not be a favourable outcome for her.
Your sister made vows to her husband as has repeatedly broken them, she doesn't care about anyone but herself. If you're in the position of loving multiple men then you're not loving any of them well enough.
Either tell her husband & then he'll have the option of getting a better life, or leave them all to it. There's going to be no good outcome here.

RabidEchidna · 11/03/2012 14:44

If you really care about your sister tell her to stop whoring around and sort her life out, I feel so sorry for her husband

izzyizin · 11/03/2012 17:54

It would seem that your sister's chickens are coming home to roost - as they inevitably do.

When her h discovers that she's been having it off with a man who then befriended him in order to become a frequent visitor to the family home, I would imagine he'll go apeshit be devasted by this double betrayal.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he sues for divorce because the thought that his wife engineered his meeting, and subsequent friendship ,with the man she's been enthusiastically screwing behined his back, is unlikely to sit comfortably with him.

As for her sexting relationship with her colleague, his wife may well take it into her head to turn up at their place of employment and make a scene and take her to task and/or tell her h what manner of woman he is married to.

There's easily led and there's downright stupid. Your sister seems to embody both qualities and is motivated, I suspect, by a need to feed her ego by having multiple men vying for her body affections.

It remains to be seen who or what she's left with when the ticking bomb finally blows up in her face and I hope you'll come back with an update because I miss the screws of the world on a Sunday.

Btw, as you can't live other peoples' lives for them, there's nothing you can do for her except be there to help her pick up the pieces.

thisisyesterday · 11/03/2012 19:51

well yeah. what she said

Bennifer · 11/03/2012 19:59

I'm with thisisyesterday here. I highly suspect the OP is the sister. If not, why is there very little input from the OP on what her "sister" should do?

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 11/03/2012 21:28

I said earlier i don't know what she should do. I'm worried for her husband and child if this all comes out. That's why part of me feels she should do nothing yet

I've only spoken to her briefly since this morning so I'm not sure what's happening now. She did say she was going to take some time off work if she could.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 11/03/2012 22:22

She only has 2 options - 'fess up to her h or wait to see what tack the other players in this melodrama take.

What does she think she should do?

RabidEchidna · 12/03/2012 07:58

I think she should start looking for a cardboard box to live in once her husband finds out chucks her out and gets full custody of their child
The boyfriend will be long gone once a fun shag turns out to need to be the day to day, but my money is on the married mans wife blowing it all out of the water, and part of me really hopes she does as your sister is just disgusting

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread