Another IL thread.....

[bonzo77]

DS aged 2 came back from an over night and all day stay at my in laws covered in bruises, bumps and grazes. When I collected him, and before I noticed the injuries (all minor) they did, in fairness, give me a list of all the falls and knocks he'd had, and how little fuss he made about them. I actually didn't give it a second thought, except to think that he shouldn't have grazed elbows as he should have been wearing a coat or at least a jumper, they shouldn't have let him play outside in just his vest.

I saw the small graze on his face and the one on his elbow, but didn't do a full body check! DH gave him a bath, and I over heard him on the phone to his parents, but didn't listen in. After DS was in bed I asked DH what the conversation was about (i'm nosy about things, it's normal for me to ask). Turned out he had noticed bruises all up DS's legs, on his back and a bump on the back of his head, and had called his parents to ask what was going on. Apparently they said "Oh he's just being a boy"!

Now, not for one moment am I suggesting anything untoward is going on. Be very clear about that....

However, DS has never had as many bumps as this before. I, DH and my parents take him scootering, climbing, running etc every day. He obviously gets the odd bump, but rarely more than one or 2 on the same day. Because we supervise him. I am worried because MIL in particular is very hapless (losing things, car accidents involving stationary vehicles, breaking things). Her children often suffered with preventable ailments (nappy rash, sun burn, upset tummies) some of which would not have happened more than once (or quite so often) if she were more attentive.

I worry that an accident is going to happen because of her inattention. I thought that she would take more care of DS, but now feel justified in my not letting her take DS in her car (because I do not trust her to belt him in properly, I have never told her this, just always make sure she had no need to take him in the car). I have not said anything to MIL, but when DH told me he had called his parents, I did tell him how I felt.

She is fit and well, this is not some kind of marble loss, this is the way she has always been. I can't change her. Actually, I'm not worried about upsetting her (though equally I don't want to deny her access to DS), I just don't want this happening again.

What to do?

As you say it's not that he has bumps/scrapes but that he has so many of them from multiple accidents.

I would find reasons not to leave him there unsupervised. So visit as a family. If they ask just stress that you and dh enjoy their company and want to spend time with them too. They can still spend time with their gs but you will be there too to supervise it. And as he gets older and is better able to supervise himself you will be able to leave him there with them so its not forever.

If he doesn´t need to be looked after by them then don´t let it happen!

If he does-start looking for something else!

Don't let him stay unsupervised for the time being. When he is older it will be fine as he won't need to be watched so carefully. Don't mention what your doing, just make it seem like a normal way to go about things.

Thanks, I was worried I was being unreasonable. We don't use PIL as childcare, they only have him because they want to. I certainly will not leave him for as long again. Shorter visits will be easier to supervise. And if I have to supervise the visits have to be short because DH is often at work and I can't stand them in anything other than short doses!

Oh Bonzo I feel for you! I'm in a similar ish situation. My MIL had a stroke a few years back that has left her with a few physical and mental problems. She's very capable of taking care of herself but she does fall over a lot and can get a little confused. I know that's a bit different from you as your PIL are not handicapped in any way but I have similar concerns to you. I had to have a calm but sad conversation with DH as I don't want her taking care of our DS alone. I think really its as the guys above say just don't leave him alone with them if possible. Maybe lots of family outings rather than visiting at houses? Well done for speaking to your DH. Do you think she'd be responsive and understanding if you could gently ask her to be extra vigilant? Could you say you know boys will be boys but the volume of bumps does seem to be higher and the bruises frightened you? How did DH leave the conversation with them? If he's concerned enough to call then it sounds like you've got his backing. You do have the right to lay down the law with regard to the care of your own son. Good luck! Its not easy but you're in the right!

Tbh, if I didn't trust my ILs to look after my DC in the way you want it to be done - the there's only one thing you can do, not leave your child alone in their care. Sure it's harder all round, but your primary responsibility is to your child no-one else, and really that's all that counts.

There are alternatives, like inviting them over to your house for example.