Is this worth worrying about?

[mypoorsister]

I just wanted to run this by MN to see if I am worrying for my sister needlessly. BIL came to visit for a few hours yesterday and he said a couple of odd things. The main thing was he was talking about a trip he is about to do to Hong Kong with his mates in front of me and DS. DS is 14 and quite worldly-wise. DS commented to BIL that the trip will involve lots of beer and curry. BIL responded that yes it would but that they go for another much more important reason too but that he couldn't tell us what that was. He repeated what he had said again and was clearly implying he went to Hong Kong with his mates for things other than beer, food and sport but that it wasn't appropriate to say what this was in front of me and DS. This is set in the context of him having been accused publicly of having an affair last year, which he more-or-less denied (bit complicated). DS also unpacked a brand new computer in front of him yesterday and the first thing BIL said as DS pulled it out of the packet was "Just think of all the great porn you can watch on that" to DS (just turned 14!)

Do you think that the Hong Kong thing was manly bravado in front of DS or might there be more that my Dsis doesn't know about? They don't have a sexual relationship and haven't for years, although she would like to but he isn't interested.

If he was saying it in front of you (it sounds very disrespectful), maybe he wants it to get back to your sister for some reason? Sorry, probably not much help.

Yes, I felt it was very disrespectful and wondered if he wants me to tell her. It is particularly disrespectful given that I split up with XH a few months ago and part (but by no means all) of the reason for my split was excessive and perverse (if that is possible) use of porn. BIL is fully aware of this and, at the time, thought XH was disgusting.

I am wondering if it is a bit of a game now for him and he is seeing how far he can push it. My Dsis believes his story every time. There have been several issues over the years where women have claimed more of a relationship with him than he admits and she always believes his story. I just don't see why he is now involving me and DS. Perhaps - is it a power thing - none so far has dared to challenge him.

Leverette - I think she is happy with the relationship as it is, other than the sex thing, but she gave up on that years ago. She is very comfortable and has always quite liked the fact that she gets lots of time to herself while he is away with work. She wouldn't be happy with an affair and would definitely leave if one came to light but she trusts him implicitly. I just hope she is not being laughed at by his mates and work colleagues because, presumably, some of them must know if something is going on as they all go away together. She socialises with them on work events. I'm just a bit cross tonight as I fdn't know what he is playing at and he involved DS and me inappropriately.

You've recently split up with your h?

Why is your BIL visiting you on his own?

After his highly inappropriate comment to your ds about his new computer and the innuendo about his forthcoming trip to HK, I would suggest you ensure that your dsis visits with him in future.

My Dsis says he just doesn't have a high sex drive and she has mentioned that he goes to lap dancing clubs with work but isn't interested in them. This possibly suggests otherwise. I suppose if Hong Kong is just looking it's nor so bad but it may be other things too.

I am also concerned about his behaviour in front of me and DS because I am about to borrow a large sum of money off them that I have always thought was very genuinely offered to help me out of a situation. Hopefully the loan and his behaving like he did yesterday aren't linked. It is too late for me to decline the money now. I see very little of him.

Izzy - he came on his own yesterday to deliver something for my DS - so the reason was genuine. He went out of his way to do this.

Don't forget that if this bunch of men are going away to play away, all of their wives are being deceived, not just your sister.

Can't you just tell him to keep his inappropriate comments to himself? I have in that situation, it's not acceptable on any level.
I think he wants you to tell your sister, otherwise why would he make a point of repeating it to you? I think I'd tell her what he implied anyway (& what he said to your ds).

I would be careful, as it could be the next thing he does is make a pass at you. Sorry but it just sound familiar to something from my distant past.