DH & porn, didn't know about it, should I talk to him

[ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon]

My dh is out for the night with mutual friends; I am home with our 2 year old. I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I was on our laptop and randomly decided to look at the history. I'm not sure why, I wasn't expecting to find anything.

However it seems that in the last few weeks that dh has used it to look up porn. I'm not that familiar with what's out there but I looked & it seemed fairly mild. Thing is though I was always sure (without ever having a conversation about it though) that he never looked at porn, so I'm a bit taken aback.

We haven't had much sex since our last period of ttc'ing so about 5 or 6 weeks, I haven't felt much like it & he hasn't shown much interest either. This had been bothering me though as for me it tends to be the more I feel wanted the more I want to do it. I'm hurt to think that he's been wanking to this stuff instead of coming to me. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm pregnant now or he thinks I'm getting fat already but this feels like a rejection.

Not sure if I should talk to him about it. We've never discussed porn before. I'd ike to tell him how I feel but not sure what I hope to achieve. I don't want an argument either.

A bit down now but was so happy earlier as we have our first scan privately tomorrow, feel it has been tainted a bit. Am I just very naive. :-(

Thanks for reading, would appreciate any thoughts.

First congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope to be joining the club soon myself!

I wouldn't worry about this at all. I know this issue polarises mumsnetters but I'm not against porn as long as it's not violent/degrading/illegal etc.

Just so you get a woman's perspective - I watch mild porn sometimes, and this is even if I have been having a lot of sex with dp. It's nothing against dp or because I don't find him attractive, in fact my mind completely separates it from dp. It's just fantasising iyswim.

It might be that he looked it up because he was feeling a bit randy since you've had a break from doing the deed recently, it might be that he does it from time to time anyway but rest assured imho it means nothing. I can see that it feels a bit funny in the sense that it undermines your exclusivity somewhat but I wouldn't let it spoil your scan tomorrow. Hope everything goes great tomorrow!

If it still niggles mention it to your dh when he gets home and just say you didn't know he watched porn. :)

I haven't felt much like it
I guess your DH has picked up on this and not wanted to bother you so has been sorting himself out.

If you've never discussed porn then he obviously doesn't know your feelings about it.

Is it the fact that he's been wanking rather than approaching you for sex? Or is it the fact that he's using porn to wank, or is it an issue with the use of porn full stop?

I would suggest talking to him about it. Clearly it is something that has upset you. I predict many people after me will tell you to just lighten up, it's harmless fun, alll men use porn (they don't), you should expect it if you're not "putting out" yourself or that if you feel bad about his porn use, there is something wrong with you and not him. Thing is, if there is anything a partner does that makes you feel upset or hurt, it actually IS an issue and no one should feel forced to put up with something that makes them feel upset and hurt because the other person feels entitled to do as they please.

Having said that, if you haven't talked to DH about how you are feeling, it's important that you do. For starters, it's never a good idea to keep schtum about anything that's making you feel really bad. Also, it could be he has no idea how you feel, if you've never discussed it before. Many men feel pressured to go along with stuff like going to strip clubs and watching porn, it could have been curiosity on his part or something recommended by a friend. In any case, it is really important to talk with him about it, soon as possible. Don't bottle it up and feel upset and stressed at a time when you want to enjoy your pregnancy and look forward together to the birth of your new baby.

If he doesn't seem to understand why you are upset, perhaps it might help to watch this short video together. It's aimed at young people, but includes lots of useful info. Pleasure vs Profit

I've never seen any evidence of him wanking before so it's kind of that, I suppose. It's not like I've rejected him recently though, I would have ben op open to doing it if I thought he wanted to, that's what I mean about feeling wanted making me more up for it. Seems like wanking to porn was just easier & less effort for him I suppose, which feels a bit crap for me now I know.

The porn side of it is distasteful. I thought it was mainly for over sexed teens/ young guys. Didn't think it included him.

Xpost with kritiq.

Thanks for your reply, I think I will talk to him. I should mention that strip clubs had come up in conversation before in relation to stags, and I think I did make it clear then that I would have a big problem with it, so I don't think he could be entirely unaware of what I might think of porn use.

But yes, communication is the key. Thanks.

I sometimes watch porn. My wife is aware of this. It doesn't mean that I don't want her and it definitely doesn't mean I don't find her attractive.

Most men masturbate occasionally. I gather some researchers reckon it is a way of getting rid of older sperm so that their partner gets the fresh stuff. I have no idea whether there is any truth in that.

He may think you aren't up for it at the moment. He may be worried about the effect on your baby. Equally it may be something he has always done but hasn't told you about, either because he feels a bit ashamed of it or because he is worried about how you will react.

Three of the biggest myths about men and porn use is that all men do it, that they need it to masturbate and that men use it out of kindness to a partner who is incapacitated/unable to have sex.

Like increasingly more men, your partner is using it instead of having a sexual relationship with you and so your sexual needs have been put on hold.

I'm surprised you've never had a conversation about it, but you do need to think through your stance on porn. Lots of men and women have political objections to it, don't use it and so it has no personal impact on their romantic relationships.

What is indisputable is that his porn use is having an impact on yours and his actions have been secret and unilateral. He is controlling your sex life without you realising why.

So I would confront him about it, explain all this and ask for what you want. You're entitled to ask that he doesn't use it and you're entitled to him being honest with you about whether he will continue or stop. If he isn't prepared to make that concession, he needs to be truthful about it.

But what's wrong with saying "Oy, Mister, what are you doing looking at smut when there's a willing woman in the bedroom?"

Of course you should talk to him, you need to communicate inside a realtionship no matter what it is about

Don't worry too much about this. Some men use open and as long as its not illegal its not a problem. Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel, maybe he doesn't know how you feel? Maybe if you are unsure about it, you could watch It too and see what you think?

Stupid phone *porn

I honestly would not be too worried. I am pregnant and would not be suprised to find my DH looking at porn! I am completely not bothered about that side of things at the moment either, so really wouldn't blame him. Just as long as that's as far as it goes :)