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[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

I've been married for 20+ years. I love DH very much but I don't think I can stay married much longer. He's a good man. Yes, he has his faults but I have mine too. He was sexually abused as a child and he finds sharing a bed with me impossible, he'd rather sleep on the floor and has done since DD was a baby, trouble is it makes me feel like a shit person. I probably am. I was a crap child, mum has mental health issues which were caused by the sexual abuse she suffered and by my birth, I look like my grandfather (her abuser) it's made for a very difficult relationship.

DH and I have been through shit together but I think I need to decide to go. I should've gone years ago but stayed for the kids. That was a mistake, they are going to be just as devastated now. I can feel myself becoming depressed by the whole situation.

God. What a mess. I'm going to be 49 and living in a bedsit.

Could you face the prospect of trying to get to the bottom of your DH's problems? Could you sit down with him and tell him how you feel, perhaps suggest counselling?

OP I've got loads of questions but don't want to bombard you. Can you give us a little more detail?

You're not invisible on here

Hellhas, shame to leave if you love each other. Help is available for both of you, I'm sure.

You both sound as if you have been through so much - none of which either of you are at fault for. You are victims of shitty cirumstances and something has kept you together all these years.
Hope you both manage to find some peace - together.

I love your name Hellhas but I am sad for you.

I am curious about your DH. Does he prefer the floor to a bed, or would twin beds work for you? My grandparents always had them and it seemed cool to me as a child. If he genuinely prefers the floor would a futon work? It sounds as though you need to spell out to him that unless he gets some help in dealing with his past so that he can meet your emotional needs your marriage is in grave danger. If he listens then you can support him but if he ignores you you have your answer.

Have you had any counselling for yourself? It sounds as though making life better for yourself independent of him would be a good thing, whether you stay together or not.

We've talked lots, I've explained how I feel but he doesn't open up. I know he loves me, he says he wants it to work. He can stomach coming to bed for a couple of nights or if we go away together but at home it quickly reverts to old habits. We even went to Relate once but that side of it didn't change. I think he needs to seek help. I am the only person he's ever told but even I only know the bare bones, I know it was a family friend, I know he was very young and I know it went on for a while. I think he worries people will assume he's an abuser because he was abused (which is rubbish in his case), I also think he thinks it's best left in the past. Trouble is, it isn't in the past. It's in our present and his future too. I don't know how to help him because he doesn't want to speak about it to anyone.

I am seriously considering twin beds, our ds has moved out so that could work. I am trying to figure out if I'm ok with separate rooms or not. If I'm not does it make me selfish? I have no idea.

If he's told no-one else that's a huge burden on you OP and a little unfair of your DH to expect you to shoulder that.

Although I think there's a lot more to this than disatisfaction with sleeping arrangements, how about twin beds in the same room?

fwiwm you sound like a very unselfish person.

fwiw (no 'm').

Does anyone know of any books that might be helpful to OP and her DH? At least that would be a stepping stone to opening up.

You sound so caring. i hope he realises how lucky he is.

This is so sad. You're not a shit person and you weren't a crap child. Please stop thinking like that. You had a crap childhood though without a doubt :(. Sorry but the way your mum seems to have blamed you is just awful. You were just a little child

Having your H wanting to sleep on the floor rather than with you must be very painful and yes he needs to deal with it because it simply isn't fair on you not to. People around you need to stop using you as some kind of scape goat xxx

First of all you were not a crap child!
I hope you meant you had a crap childhood.
It would be terrible for anyone to feel crap as a child.

If everything else is fine I'd consider twin beds.

He needs to have counselling by himself so that he can have his private things. You could go the first time with him, but just as support.

Thank you everyone. I have finally managed to get on the PC rather than the tablet so can post easier (my old hands find the touch screen hard to use).

I do feel I was a crap child. There is a rational side of me that knows children aren't crap but then there is this inner nagging voice that tells me how horrific I was and sadly that voice is often quite loud and dominant. My childhood reflects badly upon me even now. I had no friends as a child, I was either away from home in care, often far enough away to need to change schools or I was the child of the family with a 'nutter' as a mum. People didn't want to be my friend when mum was in and out of the local secure psychiatric hospital. Mum was often seen out in public doing strange things, directing traffic on the roundabout, naked, springs to mind. She hated me. She has a personality disorder. She developed it as a way to counteract the awful abuse she went through (groups of paedophiles abusing children are not a new thing sadly) and no-one, not even her own mother, believed her when she tried to tell. It left her seeing the world as 'bad' (me, her dad) or 'good' (my siblings, my father). She is much better than she was but she isn't cured by any means. I do admire her though. She survived and came through the other side.

We've talked again today. He acknowledges that the problem is his and he can see that it makes me feel the way I do. He acknowledges he needs to sort it but I don't even know if he knows the answers or solutions. I offered separate rooms but he doesn't want that. He knows the way we've lived for the last 18 years has not been how married people usually live. I didn't ask him to seek help again but perhaps I should. I don't know how else we go forward if he doesn't talk to someone about it all.

OP, there's no such thing as a crap child. None of that stuff was your fault. Even now you seem to be taking on the blame for stuff you're not responsible for in your relationship. Have you considered counselling for yourself? I don't mean your behaviour is causing this! I just mean that's a lot to carry around. You didn't have a great start either. You should be proud of yourself.

How's things today, hellhas? Any better?

I don't know, you know that feeling where you think you've got your head round the situation then you realise you're not so sure? Well that's been me today. I've been fine when I've been busy but in the quiet moment I feel like my thoughts are on a spin cycle.

Sorry, been working. Keep posting, or at least writing down your thoughts. When loads of them are spinning around at least writing makes you concentrate on one thread at a time.

I really think you need to spend some time putting yourself first for a change.

If I'm going to sit alone down here and sleep alone, if the cat gets a warmer tone of voice than I do then I might as well leave I think he said what I wanted to hear at the weekend not what he meant.

It's wise to remain cynical! If you leave take puss with you

Puss hates me (the feeling is mutual) but I will be taking my huffy great hound, he's my Lab and no-one will part him from me even if he is nearly 12 years old. At least he listens and has the decency to look interested while I witter on aimlessly ,

Ha! That's great! A loyal dog is much friendlier than a fickle feline and they don't answer back

I hope you get in some long, life-affirming walks now the spring's here x