First time posting in Relationships but really need advice

[RegularMNerNeedsAdvice]

I'm not entirely sure where to start - maybe I just need to get this out. I am a vey regular MNer but, as DH knows my MN name and checks up on me on occaison, i thouh it would be best to name change. If you recognize my details, please don't out me.

DH and I have been together for ten years and although we have had some really good times, we've also had some pretty bad ones too. He was always so funny and could make me laugh. I moved to England early in our relationship to be with him and we were married shortly after. Immediately I started to notice small details that bothered me. He had no friends and no social life and seemed to want to prevent me from building a social circle. Every time I would meet a potential friend he would find a reason why I shouldn't be friends with them.

In spite of this the first few years were pretty happy. Then our DD was born in 2007 and I was shocked at how strict and harsh he was with her - even when she was simply a newborn. We never agreed on parenting styles - he thought I "mummy coddled" her and I thought he was too controlling. This issue and others caused up to separate in 2009 - we were apart for 4 months.

After counseling and spending time apart we found our way back to each other and began planning a fresh starts - including a move to Canada. We moved to Canada in 2010 and I really hoped it was the fresh start we needed.

Things have not been good. He is moody and miserable and still has yet to make any friends. As in the UK, he seems to have issues with all of my friends and does his bests to pour poison in my ear about them. He works for my step-dad and hates it but will not look for a new job. Instead I just have to listen to him bitching about my step-dad on a daily basis.

Worst of all is how he is with DD. She is now 4 and adores her daddy but constantly asks me why daddy doesn't love her. He flies off the handle at the smallest thing and tells her he is "done with her" and not to talk to him.

I want out - for my children's sake (DS arrived 3 weeks ago) as much as my own. But I am on maternity leave until January so cannot afford to do anything until then. How do I live with him for the next 10 months and pretend to be happy?? And I feel guilty for bringing him to Canada away from his family only to leave him and have him stuck in a country he hates.

Please someone tell me what to do!

Wow! It sounds to me like you know what to do- get out any way you can and try not to waste anymore years of your precious life with a negative sounding peron.
The important thing is you have made a huge step just deciding to do this, not just or you, but from you're dcs too.
Can you stay with family or friends while you organise whats going to happen. It sounds to me that it would be a good time to do this whilst still on mat leave, as you have the time and space to do it.
Good luck- it's up to you now. I hope you have good support.

Thank you Spookey. Unfortunately maternity pay is crap and I cannot afford to do anything until I am back a work and earning again. I'm just not sure how I'll get through the next 10 months - DH has already started hinting for sex and the idea of that makes my skin crawl.

I usually advocate honesty as being the best policy but, as my paramount concern is for your dd and the serious psychological harm he is inflicting her, as he is so unhappy in Canada (the land of your birth or where your dm/family are currently residing) I suggest you lie through your teeth encourage him to move back to the UK asap and promise to follow him once he's found employment here.

This may be a financial stretch for you but where there's a will there's always way - downsize, maybe get a lodger, start a small home business to make ends meet, remortgage/find a cheaper rental, or borrow from family until you return to work?

If necessary, I'd sell my body to get the cash together for a one-way ticket home for this god-awful man - and I can only hope to god that once you've got shot of him, you never 'find your way' back to him again.

Why did you have another baby with him, knowing what he was like and only just after moving to a new county? Surely that will make life much harder when you do leave.

There is no easy way to do it. Some people will never change whatever you try.

Izzy - thank you for the advice. I will talk to my mom and see if she is willing/able to help me. I also need to speak to my bank manager to find out what the penalty would be if we sold our house (we're locked into a fixed mortgage).

Maleview70 - good question. DS was not planned. DD took nearly 4 years and a lot of fertility treatment. I had stupidly assumed I couldn't accidentally get pregnant.

He is depressed. I know he is. I have begged him for years to get help but he just won't. A part of me feels very guilty for even considering leaving someone with depression. But at the same time, I am tired of his controlling behavior and unpredictable moods. He has the ability to make me fel small, stupid and insignificant and I'm tired of feeling that way. I'm just tired.

If all else fails, I daresay that within a short distance of your home there's a mumsnetter a sympathetic soul who's about to build a new patio and needs extra ballast for the foundations...

If you were my daughter and he was treating my dgd in such a cruel and heartless manner, I'd dig a hole and do the deed myself.

Apart from knowing that Canada doesn't impose the death penalty for murder, I'm not familiar with its criminal or civil law but I wouldn't have thought there'd be any bar to you obtaining a divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

It seems to me that all you've got to do is get him out of the house... can your stepfather send him back to the UK on a one-way ticket to attend to an unexpectedly arisen business matter or some such ruse?

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at your post Izzy. I am ashamed to admit I have thought the same thing on many ocaissions. I am terrified that if/when I leave him he will try to take my children back to the Uk with him. Obviously he'll have a right to have them come visit but what if he doesn't send them back?

Legally, I am fine. I am a legal assistant and one of the lawyers in my firm handles family law and is known locally as the "pit bull". I'll be well represented. My kids are my main concern. A part of me wants him to piss off back to the uk but at least if he stays in Canada I'll know my kids are safe.