Not sure I even like my husband anymore

[Bolt]

Feel so low today. Have been questioning reasons to stay with my husband more and more over thr last couple of months. Im a SAHM with a DS (2) and a DD (6) and feel as though my life is one big long chore. I love my children so much but just feel like I want to run away and live on my own with no responsibility for anyone but myself. My DH works so inevitably I end up doing everything, childcare, housework, cooking, ironing, gardening, etc. It's come to a head this morning because as usual my husband is sat on his arse in the front room watching telly with the kids while I'm ironing. Is is too much to expect him to notice that the beds havent been made yet? He's just taken my daughter to her swimming lesson, wouldnt have occurred to him to put a towel and knickers in her change back so he asks me "are her knickers in here?" Aaaaargh!!!! I resent jim so mich and I know thats not right and that I shouldnt be feeling like this. We've spoken about divison of chores so many times and it works for a while and then he slips back into his lazy fucker ways. I feel so guilty writing this as I know he works hard and he's a good dad but what about me, I would like to feel appreciated sometimes.

I think it's easy to lose 'yourself' when you're a SAHM, the chores just take over and it's a thankless task. I remember feeling like you do when by DS were little. I just wanted to run away and not have to do any thinking for anyone or have any responsibility. Eventually I split with their father and found things much easier as a single parent. So I don't have much in the way of advice but I have lots of empathy for your position,

Thanks for your post. I will try and talk to him about it again but I just seem to be going roundnand round in circles. I wish I was the type of woman who was happy to be at home all day doing housework but I'm just not. I think I need to get a job and start doing some things for myself. I live for my kids and I know I'm falling into the trap of giving everything up so that when they leave home I'll be lost and lonely. We've got a babysitter tonight and are planning to go the pictures but, if I'm honest I would rather spend the evening on my own or with friends.

I think the idea of being at home with the children all day always seems lovely but the reality is that you are literally a housewife, and that's no-one's goal, is it?

Does your two year old go to a play group? Is there anything you can do for yourself in the week?

I think when someone is at home all the time they see the things that need to be done much more than someone who's not there. That's your job, in a way, and you focus on it. I can understand your irritation with your husband.

What would you do if you went back to work? Why not have a long term plan, to take you up to when your child starts school? Are there any qualifications or skills you'd like to gain?

Do you get to see much of your friends when your children aren't there?

Sounds as if you need a break. Why not book a weekend away with a friend or 2 and let 'daddy' get a taste of what it takes to keep a family show on the road?

And forget the cinema. Go to a nice restaurant or pub, talk to your h, find out what his dissatisfactions are, and get yourselves on the same page with regard to individual and joint future ambitions that can be achieved as the dc get older.

Strangely, I love being at home in many ways - its been a source of personal growth after years of charging around working outside the home. But I do appreciate how "chores" can be overwhelming at times (and I have no help whatsoever) and ages 2 and 6 is restricting.

Agree with izzying about same page chat with DH...

OP you shouldn't do his ironing. Has he lost the use of his hands that he can't do it himself? Who did it for him when you weren't around? Your job as a sahm is really the kids and to some extent, that includes keeping the house in order but it absolutely does not and should not include everything. Things that he's capable of doing, he should just do himself. Tell him that that's the way it's going to be and leave him to it. Also, you shouldn't have to do all the cooking on weekends; if he won't make any effort there, have one night where you get a takeaway curry or something.

Do you ever get a chance to exercise? It's really good for lifting the mood.

Your issue here is that he doesn't take any responsability in anything related to HW and children.

so he takes his dd swimming but expect you to sort everything out because well... it's not his responsability. He is taking her swimming isn't that enough?

It's easy to feel like this. How would dh feel about you getting a job, full or part time?
My x made it difficult for me to work and was unreliable for picking up from Childcare if I was on lates or would make it difficult if I was on an early so the children would go to my mums overnight.
If he's supportive about you choosing to go back to work then perhaps use that as an opportunity to wirk things through.
Tell him how you feel, use this evening as an opportunity to talk, don't go to the cinema and sit there not talking, you could do that at home!

As the older SAHM you descibe, I really know how you feel. But sitting and stewing and sending the anger and resentment inward will make you unbalanced.

This is a time for clear communication, and clearly stating what you need. It is NOT the time for attacks, bringing the marriage into it.

So you set down a list of things you want help with. Then you ask him what you need help with. Go to counselling to help you practise and rehearse what you need to say. Sadly it is a default in a lot of men to ignore what you are saying. So google 'I need your help with the housework' and plan what you are going to say.

Your final move could be: I need a break from all of you. I want you to take a week's holiday off work, and I am going away to ...... THEN GO. After the third day he will be screaming, then you can hopefully get his appreciation as to how hard it all is.

Lots of good advice here, I posted a similar link in the "other" network and ended up with a load of abuse about how selfish I was as my husband works full time and as I'm at home all day I should do it all. I have made some decisions on how to move forward and already feel a bit better about it. I want to return to work at some point, ds is too young at the moment and I know finding something to fit in with school hours will be tricky but I'm going to do some study to get some more qualifications in preparation and I have suggested that ds do 2 days a week at nursery so I at least get some time to myself during the week. I know I still have to address the issue concerning my husbands lack of responsibility and think it would be a good idea to go off one weekend and leave him to it. Felt less resentful towards him by the time we headed off for our night out. He spent much of the day entertaining the children (just realised I was going to say "entertaining the children for me"), and thats the main problem, I see it as my job to look after everyone and feel guilty whenever I ask him to do something - maybe I'm my own worst enemy?

I should not be suggesting sarky comments but to the "have you put her knickers in the bag" I have been known to say "No. Have you?"

(Another suggestion for the "do you think she'll be warm enough in this?" sort of whine is "Oh perhaps you had better ask one of her parents." )

Yes yes I know passive aggressive and very snide. But satisfying.

I posted something similar about the split of chores so kind of know what you're talking about. Having said that, I work 3 days which I think of "my" time, I think you have it much harder as a SAHM.

I agree with the others, you have to talk to him about it and also agree with the response about the knickers. If he's taking your DS swimming, he should do all the little tasks involved in that.

I do think you need some "you" time however you can fit that in - it doesn't necessarily mean a weekend away (although think that would be a bit of a wake up call for your husband from the sounds of things), but doing one thing that isn't connected with him or the children. One of my friends recently joined the Rock Choir, and I found when I was on extended maternity leave (and was getting sucked into a life of nothing but chores) that by signing up for the Great North Run, it gave me a goal.

Good luck. Hope you get something sorted out.

personally i think you need to be honest with him about how this is making you feel.

so tell him you feel like you want to just walk away from your life some days, tell him that watching him sit on his arse watching telly whilst you're still working is actually starting to make you dislike him and feel that maybe he is just disrespectful, lazy and inconsiderate to you, tell him you are deeply disatisfied and that things really need to change or there is going to be a crisis.

then see what he says. if he is a decent human being who loves you and wants you to be happy and cares about the quality of your relationship then he'll respond by wanting to work things out and finding out what he can DO to make things better.

if not he'll just try and turn everything on you, make excuses, try to make you feel guilty or a bad person for having needs and wants of your own etc.

try not to get aroused into anger or arguing over irrelevencies - stay with your point of what the situation is like and that it is unsustainable for you, you've had enough of it.

it's not rocket science how he can 'help' (re: do his share) - the idea that you need to go in armed with lists and organise for him what and how to do it is erroneous imo. he's an adult. he knows when he's sitting on his arse whilst you're working, he knows what needs doing etc but is choosing not to. telling him how that makes you feel yourself and about him and about the future should be enough to make him address the choices he's making and to take a more active, positive role. a list of chores to do is not the point - the point is choosing to behave decently and fairly and then using your common sense and agency to change the situation. it's that change that's needed not a list of chores that get done for a week or two then slip away again because the basic attitude has not changed.

talk to him. make clear this is not how you want your life to be or are prepared to live it any longer and give him responsibility for finding solutions for his own behaviour and attitude - he's a grown up. if he doesn't do that then he's not going to no matter how many lists you write or strategies you google. it's up to him.