I think my partner is gay and feeling really torn. (Poss TMI and LONG)

[cantbetrue]

I have name changed since I am so utterly ashamed.

So we have been together for 3 and a half years and have a daughter who is a year old. We are engaged and I always believed we had a good relationship. Financially, we are a mess due to him having periods of not working for various reasons. Apart from that though, I thought everything was good.

I can't declare that this is a complete shock. I'm a fool for not noticing the signs earlier. A while back, I found porn pictures on his computer, they were very graphic. Basically they were pictures of women with strap-ons having sex with men. When I saw it, I crossed it off and decided not to question him on it as I didn't want to have the conversation. I assumed it was just a passing interest and if he wanted to raise it with me he would. At some point he did raise it with me, and he'd even bought the strap-on. We tried it and he lost interest and I thought it had passed. I assumed he thought the idea was better than the actual act and occasionally traces of the pictures would resurface and I would pretend that I hadn't seen them.

Recently though the pictures have changed. Today I found he was looking at "cross-dresser" porn. No matter what way I try and work this one out, it is simply 2 men having sex - so gay porn. Now, I'm partly angry that he was watching porn during the day while he was supposed to be looking after our daughter, and that I came home to a filthy house, (dirty nappies on the floor and on my computer desk and the kitchen looked like a bomb had hit it after he'd made DD and himself a "proper dinner"). And partly, I'm devastated.

So, the only conclusion I can come to is that he is coming to terms with his sexuality. Do you think I'm reading too much into it? I don't know how else to interpret it and it is making me wonder why on earth we are even together. Why does he claim to love me? Today I left the screen up on the computer so he knows I have seen it, but we have not discussed it as I have no desire to speak to him. I've been thinking all night and the only reasons I can come up with is that perhaps he wants a family, so when he's got that he will leave. Perhaps he's worried his parents will disapprove, so when they die he will leave. Maybe he doesn't want to be gay so will do what a couple of my (gay) brothers boyfriends do, and have numerous gay affairs while staying married and hiding it from their wives (My brother's morality isn't up for debate here- I've told him how I feel about this). Either way, I'm left living a lie. Being led to believe I have a wonderful relationship while in actual fact it isn't.

The sad part is though, I love him to bits and a part of me wants to just ignore it, pretend it isn't there and carry on. But I can only see me being left all alone in the future, heartbroken, when he chooses to come out and starts a new life. This is ignoring how this will affect our DD as I guess this will be mainly down to how old she is when he does this. Help me, I'm feeling so lost and don't know what to do.

You need to talk to him... firstly, he owes you an explanation as to why you came home to a filthy house and secondly, you need his assurance that he is not watching porn while caring for dd when she is awake and may see the screen.

And, of course, you need to know why he seems to be taking an inordinate interest in various forms of gay porn and whether this is merely due to curiousity on his part, or he is questioning his sexuality.

I would take control of my life, giving you a plan b if the shit hits the fan. Work. Save money. Look after your daughter. Do things that make u and her happy. You can't control him. But you can end the relationship soon if things don't change. He prob is gay. But talk about it. And get on with your life. And be very careful he doesn't start having affairs with men. Remember stds are rife. He could bring u home an std, worst if all being the HIV virus. It happens. Hope you're alright. You'll have moments of despair but I find taking control of your own life is very empowering and stops you from being a victim.

Wow two.of you have found our your partners are gay in one night? Apologies if you are.genuine will let HQ work it.out.

OP you should check the Relationships forum. There is another woman going through the same thing.

Perhaps you should contact her. I'm sure you would be a lot of help to eachother.

No no lowreg, you've got it wrong. I'm happily married, but I do know people who have gone through this. And I've been through other stuff but not the gay thing.

Mrsm, not you another person who also started a thread in last little while.

Why does it mean he is gay? It doesn't. I am no fan of porn, and that's a separate issue if you object to it; but people can imagine all sorts of weird and wonderful things that they wouldn't ever want to do in real life, and it doesn't mean that is their primary erotic focus, or that they don't love you.

Surely you can just speak to him and say that you would rather he didn't leave nappies lying around and wank off to something on the internet instead? And then have the conversation about sexual fantasies separately, in a relaxed non-accusatory way from what you've seen. You can share your worry that it makes you wonder if he is gay, and let him explain. My guess is that it is just some personal imagination kink that is no threat to your relationship.

You need to communicate, both of you are poor at this with one another from your post, not just sexually also housework confrontation is an issue.

LeBOF, do you really think so? I don't "get" porn myself, so don't really understand why anyone would look at it and what it means. Hence why I posted this here.

Regarding communication, generally it used to be ok about most stuff, but he has such low standards of hygiene that I'm at the stage of biting my tongue and doing it myself instead of being accused of "nagging". Problem is, I could bare it before my DD was born but now my standards have risen and his haven't. Now, I'm so sick of him sulking because I disagree with him that while we used to be open and honest, I say nothing to avoid upsetting him. The porn thing though, I find difficult to raise the issue and discuss it. I guess I have barriers around that sort of stuff.

And as far as the other thread goes. I've only just seen it as it was posted 15 minutes after mine and I'd gone away to have a little cry to myself (feel a bit better now). I also don't think we have very much in common, outside the obvious suspicions. I love my DP very much but am not willing to live a lie. I also took my engagement ring off this evening rather than continue planning our wedding. I can't see how spending all that money to get married would put me in a stronger position, only more financially strained. But then our financial situations are very different too.

I suppose I have to get over my prudish ways and talk about it, I'm just so afraid of what he is going to say and whether it is going to destroy my whole world. Sounds overly dramatic, but despite his obvious flaws, he is a very good man and has made me very happy over the last few years.

Okay. Several things:

I am with you on the nappies. My DH keeps doing the same thing.
The untidy house/kitchen - is he SAHD then tis difficult multi-tasking if entertaining the kids and not watching porn
I am far too often on my PC but not watching porn tis not great childcare even if youtubing kids' stuff
The porn itself I personally have less problems with - men work visually, women read more - but you are refusing to discuss it. Have you both talked about fantasies in the past?
I am guessing the strap-on sex went by the wayside as he realised you just weren't that into it. It doesn't necessarily mean he is gay, bi or curious. It could just be a g-spot/kinky/fantasy thing.
A lot of people also havesame-sex fantasies without defining themselves as gay.
Leaving the screen on not clever if you have kids in the room and also quite passive-aggressive. He can't share with you as he knows you don't approve.
Which is your unalienable right but if you keep hiding it all under the carpet then your marriage is screwed anyhow.
Either have it out with him and determine what (if any) part of the stuff he is into you can accommodate...or sort your plan B. Also ask yourself how you'd be feeling if you didn't already have kids with the guy.

but he has such low standards of hygiene

Def not gay then.

He may not be gay. He may be confused about his gender. That's different.

He was looking at porn about men 'taking' it from a women first. So maybe he felt he was still attracted to women but wondered about being on the receiving end?

Then he was looking at cross dressing porn. Maybe because he wondered how men go about sex etc dressed as a women?

You obviously won't know until you've talked to him but it doesn't seem so clear cut that he's gay to me. He may not admit it though. He may not have admitted it to himself yet.

Good luck OP, this must be a horrible time for you.

I've been through this, and found worse. You can pm if you like Op xx