Thanks

[SingleNow]

As a previous user of this site who seemed to never take advice.
I have popped back to thank those of you who gave me advice and kicked me up the ass when I needed.

My EX is now very much my ex, my home is finally becoming what I want it to be. My children are coping in very different ways but we will get there.

The final straw for me was when I realised myself that he was indeed an abuser although not physically. He was admitted to hospital and had minor surgery, he called me later that day to say he had been told to inform his next of kin that he was being rushed back for emergency surgery. I called less than an hour later to see when he would be out of surgery to be told that he had not been back down and basically it was all a lie.

I have now laid out guidelines for him seeing his son, as my eldest doesn't want to know him anymore. And I have you all to thank, so while it didn't seem like I was taking the advice, I was but I had to see it for myself and that is when ALL your advice came into practice.

So from the bottom of my heart and on behalf of my dc I would like to thank you all for helping me to see what was happening, I just wish I had seen it a lot sooner.

Abusive men screw us and use us, don't they?

You seem to be on top of things now!

Best wishes for your future!

Thankyou, it took me long enough to see it and I am glad I did in the end.

I feel for the DC, my eldest has said and I quote "I want nothing to do with him mum, he let you down and lied, he treated you badly and as he doesn't want to see my brother he won't want to see me"

My Youngest is asking daily where Daddy is and when I am going to let him come home. Today I realised why when I had him on loudspeaker on the phone and the ex said to DS2 "I can't see you as mummy won't let me, but Daddy will call you and I want you to tell me everywhere mummy takes you who is there and what happens"

His abuse is continuing towards me and now I am seeing it typed into text messages I can see it a million times clearer. He switches from "You dirty skank" to "I love you so much what have I done, I have lost everything" to "You'll get a pound a week for that kid and I want proof its mine"

I am trying to find out how to get contact via a contact centre for him as I don't believe he is mentally sound enough to be trusted with the DC.

So sorry SingleNow but thought that you were fine! This is obviously not the case!

You need the advice of experienced MNs more than ever now! They will all be along soon!

Take care and best wishes!

Hi.

Good to know you have indeed taken the steps to freedom :).

I get that reaction from my ex too. One week he is going to kill me and the other he's sending love pledges, although not in a good way.
When I react it gets worse, so I just don't reply.

All contact is about DS and very factual.
He also doesn't want to contribute.
You are not in the uk? Then ask a family solicitor about how to proceed.

Your poor ds2. You may want to tell him that dad is angry with mum but that he loves him very much.
No point in pushing for contact, just make sure you get all in writing and

Well, just a big hug.

Also, keep all his messages and record his calls to DS2.

I have done this, and told him I was recording them, to prevent him from being nasty to DS and me too.

Regardless of what you ex tells your DS he will soon figure out who is on the right. Just don't hide things from him and don't lose it yourself.
You are his rock now.

I have all the messages, and have shown them to my solicitor, I have already had police involvment when I had 36 hours of abuse from him and constant calls/texts.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and with my DC but I don't want to make anymore. I know I can get the right advice here and thats all I have come here for.

He has taken a lot from the home -material things I can replace but the best thing is him going took the anomosity away and we are happy at last. Me and My babies.

Congratulations, SingleNow. And well done.

You've shown immense courage.

Enjoy your new abuse-free life!

I couldn't have done it without the advice I had stored from MNetters. Thats why I wanted to say Thanks.

This is a good thread,

I can't believe he said that on the phone what did you say to him??

Great your solicitor has seen the msgs he can't try and pretend it hasnt happened?.

glad your getting on with your life.

A friend often says that people show their true natures in divorce (an something else I can't remember).

Yours is truly showing his too, if you ever come to doubt yourself. :(

I'm so glad you are feeling happier and your DCs too.

So proud of you SingleNow. Mumsnet is great but YOU are the amazingly strong one! Keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on.

I wouldn't have been as strong if I had not remembered everyones words. Some not directed at me personally but words which helped all the same.

DS2 has spent his entire life in my bed but has tonight asked to go in his own bed in his own room which is a HUGE step for him (going to be strange for me too!!!)

I am just so much more relaxed, have really got rid of so much stress, needs, wants etc because everything was a cover for what was happening. Although not physical abuse it has left deep scars which I know I will overcome because not ALL men are the same. And aside from that...I actually like myself now, I like who I am, I am a good mum and my boys love me. Yes atm they are hurting for different reasons but they are hurting all the same, however I will get them through this. I will show them that there is strength in us being us and not having the abusiveness here.