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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DD actually hates DH

19 replies

HumptyDumpty2 · 09/03/2012 22:33

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, just looking for a bit of help.

DD (1yo) has been really poorly recently with a vomiting virus. When she's poorly or tired she always wants me instead of DH, I guess I'm more snuggly lol but she's usually just as happy with DH for a while before wanting me. We had to take her to the out of hours docs last Monday and since then really dd has decided she doesn't like DH. She literally screams with tears if he holds her/ tries to give her a bottle/ gets her dressed / plays with her etc when I'm there.

When I'm not there she is normal with DH but as soon as she sees/hears me the screaming and crying starts till he passes her over.

Does anyone have any experience with this? We have no idea where it's come from or why it's got so bad and it not only breaks my DH's heart it makes me feel awful that she prefers me over him :(

I know it will get better but I don't know how long it will take...

OP posts:
bigbadbarry · 09/03/2012 22:35

IME (I have three children) this is quite normal and they do go through phases like this. He has to not let it upset him - or at least try not to show it - and keep on doing fun stuff with her. It doesn't last long, but it might resurface a few times.

ginmakesitallok · 09/03/2012 22:38

first things first - your D DOES NOT HATE your dh. In fact that's it - your DD does not hate your DH.

weekendworrier · 09/03/2012 22:38

She doesn't hate him. Poor DH.
Probably just because she has been poorly. Make sure they spend lots of time together, doing all the things she likes (even if you need to hide out the way for a bit).
It is just a phase.

HumptyDumpty2 · 09/03/2012 22:39

So so glad it's not uncommon. I've told him it will pass but I can see how hurt he is in his eyes when it happens Sad and he was nearly in tears last night

Hopefully things will look up quickly

OP posts:
smackapacca · 09/03/2012 22:40

I thought this was going to be about a teenager loathing her stepdad. I echo what everyone else has said. They all do it. Fickle buggers! It'll e's. And wane but she doesn't hate him b

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 22:40

Dont be silly, she does not hate him, whatever gave you that notion. And dont go saying it out loud. It will pass.

HumptyDumpty2 · 09/03/2012 22:41

I have been hiding lol my house is extremely clean as I'm finding things to do so he can have time with her when shes happy to be with him

OP posts:
smackapacca · 09/03/2012 22:41

Meant to say ..,

It'll wax and wane but please don't entertain the notion that she hates anyone at this age.

HumptyDumpty2 · 09/03/2012 22:41

Hate is the word DH uses, not me. I don't tell my DH that she hates him, he tells me

OP posts:
Popoozle · 09/03/2012 22:43

Aww, she does not hate him - she is just poorly and wants mummy. All three of my DCs are the same. Even my mardy 14 year old who is, in every other way, closer to DH.

I don't really know why it is that way but, believe me, it so often is. Once she feels better she'll be back to normal Grin.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 22:45

Tell your DH to stop being such a tit. Your baby is 1, she's ill and she wants her mummy, there's nothing more to it than that.

2rebecca · 09/03/2012 22:54

My kids went through these phases but when they were like this we tried to ensure the favoured parent did less and disappeared more so unfavoured parent got on with stuff. The other parent would go for a walk or round a friend's for a while.

RubyrooUK · 09/03/2012 23:07

Humpy, please tell your DH that this is totally normal and will not last forever (or even very long).

Until my son was 16mo, he would tolerate his dad during the day if I wasn't around. At night, he would literally vomit in anger if his dad tried to settle him rather than me.

My DH always adored DS, no matter how he was treated. And while DS would give him smiles and so on, his real love was reserved for me. I used to sometimes feel a bit bad for DH that he was such an amazing dad and DS really had such a preference for me.

But you know what, that's normal. That's because babies are carried for 9 months by their mums, their mums tend to have maternity leave so spend most time with them and (in my case) breastfed till 16 months, so it's only natural under those circumstances that your mum is the first port of call.

DS is now 18mo and his relationship with his father has really transformed in the last couple of months. Now he cuddles his dad, settles with his dad and sometimes even chooses to go to his dad to hear a book instead of me (Envy).

His understanding at 18mo is so much greater now that he can play far more sophisticated games with his dad that really build their relationship. And now DS is much closer to his dad, DH can settle him at night and often falls asleep and wakes up to a toddler smothering him with kisses.

The close relationship your baby makes with her mum is what sets her up to make other close relationships. As she gets older and more social, she will need input from more people. She will have a period of discovering her dad so your DH needs to cheer up and work on the stuff that makes their relationship special. He doesn't have to be the same as you - their own relationship will become obvious in time.

Sorry, long post but it hit a familiar nerve....

Devora · 09/03/2012 23:09

Yeah, we went through this. It passes Smile

RedBlanket · 09/03/2012 23:09

They're very fickle, in a couple of months time she'll switch and he'll be the best thing ever. Honestly it's really common.
At the moment, only Daddy can read bedtime stories, fine by me, I get to put my feet up and catch up with Eastenders.

RubyrooUK · 09/03/2012 23:09

Oh and two weeks ago, DS was in hospital. Only I was good enough all week. I couldn't even go to the toilet and leave him with his dad without him dissolving into tears.

As soon as he was well, he is back adoring his dad again. So even now, illness just needs going back to mum for that primary care, but it is nothing to do with hating my DH.

RubyrooUK · 09/03/2012 23:34

And while I'm on a roll here by leaving you a zillion comments (sorry), when DS gets like this, we tend to encourage him to favour his dad again by doing stuff like:

  • getting DH to read in funny voices while DS snuggles on me.
  • getting DH to do silly dances while I hold DS.
  • doing a game involving us both (we play a game where DH and DS chase me or me and DS chase DH and there is lots of mock-horror screaming and "evil laughter" on our part).

....basically any activity where DH can be the fun and alluring one but I am still there to be a comforting armchair or we are all doing something together where DS gets too caught up in it to worry who is holding him.

ThePinkPussycat · 09/03/2012 23:36

Aaaaw your poor DH Sad He sounds lovely.

Gay40 · 09/03/2012 23:53

Perfectly normal, your DH mustn't take it to heart. My DD still goes in and out of phases with me, DP and her father. For weeks she will barely address DP, coming to me for everything, then all of a sudden Dad is the best thing ever. And then back to DP who is The Best Mummy Ever. And round we go again.

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