Anyone ever just realise one day that they didn't want to be married to their DH?

[ComfySlipperGirl]

DH and I have been married for 10 years this month, together for 14 years. And I'm just bored of being with him. He never wants to go out, never wants to do anything special. We have no common interests, no friends. We just sit at home and stare at the same 4 walls day in and day out. We get on well enough, but are just like house-mates who also happen to have children together.

I have my own friends and my own hobbies and do go out a few evenings a week. But I want to go things together with my DH. When my choir has a concert or I'm running in a big race, I'd like him to express an interest in coming to support me instead of having to beg him to come. I talked him into coming to my work Christmas party last year, but he just sat in the corner with his back to everyone until I was so embarrassed that we left.

It sounds like he has depression, and to some extent maybe he does. But he's always been like this, and his mum was the same too. He says he just doesn't like going out, which is fair enough. But why can't he just suck it up and go out every now and then, and make an effort to enjoy himself, because that will make me happy?

He never takes the DDs out anwhere, which makes them very sad too, I think.

I'm fond enough of him, but I'm not sure I actually love him any more. He's withdrawing more and more into himself so to some extent there's getting less and less of him to love.

If it were just him and me, I think I'd leave. But there are our DDs to think of, and I must make the selfish confession that I would find it much harder to indulge in my hobbies without him home to look after the DDs. But I know it's not fair to him to keep him around as a live-in babysitter!

Would counselling help, do you think? I could talk to him about how unhappy I am; we've talked before about how he needs to put more effort in with the DDs, and he gets better for a week or two and then reverts back to his lazy house-bound ways. So I don't think he would change long term, even if he know how unhappy I am with our relationship as it stands. I plan to talk to him, but maybe he would take it more seriously if we involved a 3rd party.

I just feel that life is so short, that it's a crime to sit home 24/7 (well, except for work!) and let it all pass you by. I want to live life to the full. And I want my DH to share it with me, not watch from the sidelines. I want us to have a life together, not an existence.

Anyway, sorry for the essay, I just needed to get it off my chest....

Sounds like my relationship, you have my sympathies.

You must feel extremely frustrated at the feeling of missing out. As you say, life is short, sitting in the house all day doing nothing is such a waste.

One good thing I note from your post - you obviously want to spend time with your DH so you must still have feelings for him. That's a very good start to work from. It doesn't sound from your post that you dislike him as a person, just that you are bored with doing everything on your own, like a single person. That feeling is very lonely isn't it, especially when you see other couples or families out and about, and it's just you with your kids or you with your friends, never with with your partner.

If he can agree to come to counselling with you that would be good, although it seems that lots of men refuse counselling which is a big shame as talking can be such a big help. When you talk to him about how you feel how does he react? Does he get defensive? Or does he listen and want to change?

I think realistically, people don't change. He is what he is, by the sounds of it someone who is happy to not socialise, who is happy to be on their own etc. He may not be depressed, that might just be his character. My partner doesn't like going out, isn't comfortable socialising, doesn't take dd out or do much with her, works all of the time. I find it very frustrating and find his attitude very boring.

At least you are carrying on with YOUR life and your interests. It's just a shame he can't do it along with you and show much interest.

I don't really have any advice except to keep trying to make an effort, set some days out with you, him and your dd, country walks, go to the seaside, just play ball in the park or something...see how if he enjoys it. Ask him if there is anything you could both do together that he may enjoy.

I totally sympathise. I could've written your post myself.

Hope you manage to get through to him a bit.

Thanks emptygirl, it's good to know that someone understands. Sorry you're in the same boat though.

Yes. One day i just realised the relationship was over. We had no children and I left. It was very hard but I am happier now and amazing things have happened in my life.

So has he changed then or has he always been more of a stay in person?

He's always been this way. It's his one big fault, but my frustration with it has grown over the years. Particularly as he's inflicting it on the DDs now.

Hairytale, I think I would leave if it weren't for the girls. I love him, I guess, but I'm scared of wasting my life.

Sorry to hear this - you sound v down with it yourself. Are you still having relations with him?

Sorry, but LOL at 'having relations'. Yes, but not very often. He'd like more, but I'm not really interested.

Try counselling. Try taking small steps e.g. keeping it about the kids, going to the park etc. If you did split up he'd end up spending time with them without you so he needs to learn how to have fun with them. Does he have any interests at all? Can you help him nurture those?

Hi Comfy

I was in a very similar situation until just a month ago, when my ex of 9 years moved out.

Like you, I stuck it out for the children, but I can honestly say that I wish we had separated sooner - although it has been, and continues to be, incredibly heart-rending at times, the children are so far adjusting amazingly well to the split, and seem totally unperturbed, my ex has them 3 nights a week, does loads more with them than he ever did before, and I have the freedom to do my own thing (see other thread!).

I think you know in your heart when you are truly unhappy, and only you can make the decision to move on, but staying together for the kids, in my opinion, isn't reason enough.

Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide.

If he has always been this way then that is tge man you married. It's not his fault he hasn't changed he can't just go out enjoy himself cause he just doesn't enjoy that. You do need to make a decision stay with the person he is or leave. I don't see tgat he has necessarily done anything wrong iyswim

comfy I loved my ex too. Still do in a funny kind of way. But like your DH he was a social recluse and due to that and other things we became incompatible.

I had told him how I felt three months before. He changed for ten days. Then he became the same old lazy recluse. It was a real wake up call and a kick in the teeth.

I had similar gripes with my stbxh. We had so many fresh starts, over years, but he always reverted to type after 2 weeks or so.

He did eventually, slightly change his ways and make more of an effort for me, but he did it in such a resentful way that I felt it just wasn't worth it - he'd go one place with me, then sulk for days or shout at me.

If he feels his behaviour is 'normal' (and just like his mum!), he's unlikely to be able to change.

Make sure that you really try to fix your relationship before deciding whether to give up. Tell him again how you feel. I think marriage guidance is a good idea, whether it works or not. At least if you try it you can tell the dds you tried everything.

I'm now separated and currently miserable, but hoping for a brighter future for me and the dcs. I've got to say getting divorced is hideous, I would much rather we had worked things out, but it just wasn't possible.

Thanks everyone, some good advice. He has changed in that he's getting worse. He used to enjoy himself once he was out, the tricky bit was getting him out the door. But now he's miserable while he's out, which is far worse.

It just feels so selfish and uncaring of him that he can't suck up his dislike of going out every now and then and put some effort in to make his family happy. One of the reasons I fell in love with him was how selfless he was. But he seems so selfish now. I feel like I don't matter, and neither do the DDs.

He'd probably be devastated to know I feel this way. I know he loves me very much.

Talking and counselling definitely the way forward.

Being the child of divorced parents who we asked not to stay together for our sake because of the awful atmosphere, I'd suggest you try to work it out with counselling, but if that doesn't work, don't drag things out longer than necessary. Kids know.

Does his desire to stay in mean he doesn't do much with the children, or do they pootle along happily in the house together, but he doesn't want to come on family activities outdoors?

Does he work (i.e. is he out of the house in the week)? What does he say if you ask him if he's depressed and should visit a doctor?

The reason I ask is that I'm more of a stay at home person, or rather, I prefer to spend my free time relaxing at home. I have a demanding job and when I hit the weekend, I love to slob about pottering and doing things in the house. I'm not mad keen on days out with the family, although I do usually do them on Sundays as everyone else loves them. My husband loves to go out and will always plan a day out on the weekend. I guess we compromise.

It strikes me that his love of home and your love of going out (a few times a week evenings on hobbies is a quite a reasonable amount of activities, anyone would think you were avoiding sitting in with him...) could work well as a complementary thing, however it has turned negative. That's why I'm asking about depression/his work/how he is when out as it seems to me that these things have changed and need to be addressed. Telling him to change is unlikel y to work though, I think he should be encouraged to see the docs as you think he's depressed and he does sound very miserable.

I don't see this as hopeless though, as in some ways as you say, there's plenty of room for you to do your own thing which you like. What needs to increase is his engagement with you and the children (that's why I was asking about how engaged he is, he might be a great dad to have around in the background as a steady presence, not everyone needs to be going on day trips to be a good dad). But I have a feeling that his withdrawing is a sign of depression rather than lack of desire to be with you.

Yes I was in a similar situation. When we met I had thought he was simply easygoing but sadly I had projected that onto his total lack of interest in anything other than his work and his local football team. It got to the stage where I was even taking DS on holiday alone. It was also affecting DS as he would want to do something and felt rejected and lost confidence in doing things himself.

There was one wakeup call where I asked him if he would like to do something one evening and he just said a flat 'No' once to often. We split up and DS and I got ourselves a happy, free life.

OP sounds like my relationship too. I think I have given enough chances for my DP to make changes for the better, and when I look back over the years there are actually very few times that we have really enjoyed each other's company. Not much in the way of intimacy, and I don't know why I let it go on for so long. Which is sad too.
I wish you well if you decide to go for counselling, it's worth a try I am sure, at least you can both be out in the open about your feelings and see if you can salvage your relationship. It is very unfulfilling when you have to find activities without your partner with others, but your partner doesn't want to do anything with you :( Good luck with your future x