Think my friend is having an "affair" and I feel torn :(

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Sorry for the rubbish name, I'm a name change and had a mind blank!

This may be a bit jumbled but I'll try and keep it as to the point as I can. Basically, my good friend had a bit of an inappropriate text/flirting relationship with someone last year. I knew nothing of it until it all blew up when her husband found out. She supposedly cut all contact and that was that, only it turned out that they were still texting, her husband found out, again, and it ended and they made up etc. (there's a lot more to it than that but I don't want to go into too much detail)

Anyway, over the last few months, I've noticed this man hanging around more again - his children are in the same school as ours. It's been really subtle, just edging slightly closer over time so he's gone from waiting outside the playground to being within earshot. She gets texts at the same time as he's texting on his phone, he takes his time leaving the playground so as to walk in front or behind us on the way home. Oh this sounds so daft and I don't even know how I've noticed it really. Maybe I was subconsciously aware of him because I knew what had happened? Then a couple of weeks ago he turned up at a place where my friend & i were, that was such a random place it seemed too much to be coincidence.

Then yesterday whilst waiting for the children to finish school, I saw a definite look between them both that cemented my feelings that something is going on again and I just feel so crap about it all. I love my friend to bits and I want to be there for her but it's just such a shitty thing to be doing :( my DH & I are friends with her DH and are really fond of him. We all socialise together, our families are friends.

Obviously there could be relationship issues going on that I have no idea about and I really hope that I don't come across as being nosey and intrusive but I feel sick at the thought of seeing them now. I saw her this morning and felt so stilted around her. I saw her DH just now and couldn't look him in the eye. I know it's nothing to do with me but I hate infidelity so much and she always seemed to be just like me with regards to loyalty and having nothing to hide. I saw how upset her husband was last time and how sorry she seemed to be and I just want it all to be right again for them :(

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I just feel like I'm hiding some shameful secret even though no one knows that I know, if that makes sense.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle things. I really don't want to tell her husband but feel that if I bring it up with her, it may go the wrong way. And then I think if it were my DH having an affair (however "innocent") and she knew, I'd hope she told me. I think this is how her DH would feel as well :(

Thanks for reading.

It's an awkward situation for you. Can't you just blurt out why is x always hanging around? Why do you think it would go 'the wrong way'?
It could be that she's enjoying the intrigue but a blunt comment could give her a wake up call.

When you say text relationship is that all it is, or something more?

OP What a ghastly predicament! I think your reflex to 'do as you would be done by' is absolutely right and you need to talk to your good friend. It sounds like you're going to feel as though you're colluding in something that makes you deeply uncomfortable if you keep quiet. She's your friend, you have connected lives, and what she's doing touches you. Surely, she's put you in a situation where you can do little else? She seems to have been rather unconcerned that you might discover the affair and what your feelings about it might be. If you're right, the initial deception was bad enough but to resume the relationship after being found out and repeat the error is hard to forgive! Does she value what she has so little she doesn't mind risking it or does she just think DH will put up again if he finds out? It sounds like some compulsion or mad recklessness. I don't think you have to talk to her to express moral disapproval, but you wouldn't be a very good friend if you didn't ask her to consider the risks she's taking with herself and others and ask her why the hell she's doing it.

Just my opinion, if I were you - don't get involved. It is sometimes hard from the outside, seeing such injustices if you like. But you don't really know whats going on either inside their marriage or in relation to this other person and its not really your responsibility to "fix" their relationship. One other point - you could withdraw a bit socially from them if it is making you uncomfortable....

Thank you very much for your replies everyone. I'm sorry to have posted and then disappeared but I had to be the DCs taxi service!

HotBurrito, I have thought about making an innocent comment about the 'coincidence' of her getting texts when he has his phone in his hand, but I've held back. By the wrong way, I think I mean that I wouldn't want her to feel as though I was judging her. But I would be! Oh I dont know.

Bringbacksideburns, as far as I know it's just texting. But then, I thought I knew my friend! I wouldn't think she'd have much chance for illicit meetings but who knows. He does live quite close.

Diotima, thank you. Colluding is exactly how I feel! When I found out last time, even though I knew nothing before, I felt bad for her husband and like I'd been withholding info. I actually felt like I needed/wanted to be there for him and not for her, which felt odd as she's my best friend. I think I just feel so, so strongly about infidelity that those feelings take over. I feel quite hurt by it because as I said earlier, I always thought she was just like me. Obviously she's not the person I thought she was though. but then, it's really nothing to do with me and I don't want to make it about my feelings!

Janelikesjam, withdrawing may be the best thing. I know what you're saying about not getting involved. I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I'm sure her husband is of the opinion that all is back to normal though :(

Thank you everyone. It's really helped just to talk it through. I haven't even spoken to my DH about it, so I feel like I'm keeping things from him too!

You're right to feel strongly about infidelity. It touches on more lives in more adverse ways than people generally recognise. Unpleasantness and difficulties all round, generally! It's good not to be too judgemental because people can lose their heads or act out of character if they're subject to a convergence of circumstances, but there seem to be rather too many repetitions here!

If the relationship is confined to texting, why the need for proximity? Is that the flirting part? It sounds like a very unsatisfying relationship, but it takes all sorts I suppose. Maybe part of the thrill is the risk of discovery. Who knows!

Your reaction is clearly not just about your own feelings - it's also about your feelings for her husband and her because of your connection to each of them and because you shared in their distress and sorrow on the previous occasion. I think it's okay to tell your friend you found it upsetting and don't want to be touched by it again so you're going to need to distance yourself. Perhaps you could write to her if your confusion of feelings makes face-to-face too difficult.

In any event, I'm sure sharing this with your DH will greatly help. Good luck!

More fool her husband for still being with her if you ask me.

She got caught once....Ok work through it, try and rebuild.

She did it again....At that point she is taking the piss and I would have booted her out as she had her chance after the first time.

I would stay out of it. Hopefully it will be 3rd time lucky and he finally sees sense...

Diotima, thanks again. I think it is probably something to do with her feeling flattered with the attention. She's beautiful but doesn't have a lot of confidence so I assume it's a bit of an ego boost?

I completely agree about not being too judgemental. I know there are all sorts of reasons why someone would turn to another person and there may be all kinds of things going on at home that I'm not aware of. We did used to tell each other everything but obviously she's not going to talk about this to me. I need to speak to her about it, don't I? :(

Maleview70. Thats how I feel about it too. But she's my best friend and I love her and want to be there for her. But I can't, can I?

p.s. following, When I first replied I didn't see that she was your "best friend". If you are such good friends you could always broach the subject quickly - though I am not sure texting is exactly having an affair and they could just have "looked" at each other. Would she tell you the truth anyway? Would you want to know? What would you do with the information? It seems really sweet that you feel for her husband, but in all honesty what can you do?

Either way, such different values, keeping truths from each other, and so on - a sign perhaps your friendship is not as strong anymore, and it might be time to make some new friends ...

Keep your beak out. Your obsession with monogamy is your issue, no one else's. And you don't know what her relationship with her H is actually like.

You do, I'm afraid. Somehow I don't think you're going to manage to turn a blind eye. Isn't withdrawing with no explanation going to tell it's own story and be a bit unworthy of your former friendship? However, I think janelikesjam's got a point. Maybe her behaviour is going to be a deal-breaker for you, even if it isn't yet for her husband.

All the best with discussing it with her (if that's what you choose to do) following. She's playing a dangerous game and I fully understand how you wish to distance yourself from the deceit. It's a difficult one, as you may indeed lose her friendship. There aren't any simple answers unless she deletes his number and really does break all contact this time.

Solidgoldbrass, I don't have an "obsession" with monogamy, I choose to be monogamous and have no say over anything that anyone else decides to do in their relationship. My issue is that my friend who I thought I knew, and who I love dearly is clearly not the person that I thought she was/she told me she was/I once knew. The reason I'm posting is because half of me is telling me that I need to be there to support my friend, and the other half is feeling the same was about her husband and what's happening without him knowing. I just feel like things we've spoken about in the past have been a lie, as she seemed to have the same morals and values as I do and we were so similar. I feel like I've lost my friend and she's lost me and it's just such a shame because she is (was?) amazing. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Diotima and HotBurrito, thank you both again. You speak a lot of sense. I need to speak to her.

Whoops sorry janelikesjam, I forgot to add my reply to you. I don't know, I've been wondering if I mistook the look for something it wasn't, but I didn't. I can't really describe it, but it was a definite "we've got a secret" look and it didn't even look like her when she did it. I just don't want her or her husband or DC to get hurt.

First of all, don't make any assumptions that her marriage must have been problematical for her to do this. Unfortunately, people have affairs for all sorts of reasons and not just because there is anything wrong at home. Often, it's just the combination of opportunity and the thrill of the illicit.

If you're her best friend and you love her, then you will want to protect her. I also completely understand that you are thinking of her husband and children in all this. Best friends should be able to say what they think to eachother and a true friendship will survive some well-intentioned honesty.

So I'd tell her that you've got concerns and that you've noticed the stuff you mention here. The trouble is, when someone's having an affair, they are so up their own arses that they assume everyone else is stupid and can't see the signs. Part of the thrill is 'getting one over' on people and thinking they are sharing a delicious secret. In reality everyone knows and rolls their eyes at the ridiculous attempts at subterfuge ( as anyone who's worked in an office will testify .

I think it's unlikely this ever was just a 'texting affair' given their proximity and opportunities, but she might need you to believe this because it is the lie she's got her husband to believe.

How would she feel if her husband divorces her and expects the children to live with him for 50% of the time? How will she manage financially if that happens? Does she really want to lose her marriage? How will her children feel if it comes out that she's been having an affair with a schoolmate's Dad, who they've got to see every day? If he's married, how will his wife feel having to see your friend in the playground every day knowing she's slept with her husband?

During the bubble of a secret affair, people rarely see the consequences with much clarity. You could be doing her the favour of her life as her closest friend by pointing out that if you've noticed, so will others.

And offload to your husband, because it will help you with what is an unenviable dilemma.

I think Hattytown posts a lot of good sense.

I do think you need to speak to your husband, and then you need to speak to your BF - if only to give her the last chance to stop this madness before someone gets badly hurt.

You can let her know that if she stops this now you sill support and help her, and if she doesn't you won't be around to watch the fallout.

I befriended an old school friend on FB about 12 months ago and it started to get flirty and I realise that DP would be devastated if he saw our chats so I broke it off with the old school friend and never contacted him again. While it was going on I felt special and noticed - I can understand what your friend is feeling and how addictive it can be but I also realised I risked everything including other peoples respect for me. I still feel somewhat shamed and guilty.

I think your friend needs to understand that she risks losing her marriage, it will hurt her kids and his and she will also lose your friendship and respect. If this man has true feelings for her, then she needs to leave her marriage, sort out her affairs, he needs to leave his marriage and sort his affairs too and then once everything's settled, they can have an open and honest relationship. Unless they are willing to do this, then they both need to walk away now.

Good luck, it's hard to watch a train wreck

followingerror, I believe that a true friend supports but never judges.

I'm sure she has her reasons, talk to her.