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Original poster

How to have a happy marriage

29 replies

Shaz2011 · 09/03/2012 15:39

I have been with my dh for almost 11 years been married for almost 3 years, but the last 2 years have been really rocky but has got worse since the birth of our ds2 & getting guardianship of my nephew.
I would like for our marriage to be happy like it was before the dc came along any ideas on how I can do this? My dh works full-time & only get the evenings to see each other once dc have gone to bed & are asleep, any ideas or advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Gigondas · 09/03/2012 15:41

What do you mean Happy before kids came along? Obviously life was very different and not the as it is now. What exactly is it you are missing that you want to get back ?

Original poster
Shaz2011 · 09/03/2012 16:05

I mean since we had the kids there is no spark in the marriage all we do is argue go to bed at different times & don't have any time to ourselves at all Sad

OP posts:
HotBurrito1 · 09/03/2012 17:43

Can you get a babysitter? Getting out or having some time on your own (as a couple) is important to feel connected IME. Do you have fun as a family? What are the arguments about?
Sorry! Many questions!

Original poster
Shaz2011 · 09/03/2012 18:12

Can't get babysitters cos of the nephew & as for the arguments they could be from anything as small as not getting all the housework done to something as big as money issues or how we discipline the dc

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz2011 · 09/03/2012 18:13

We don't really go out as a family cos the dc r bad behaved or dh is working

OP posts:
only4tonight · 09/03/2012 18:15

What time do dcs settle?

only4tonight · 09/03/2012 18:17

How old are all the dc? There has to be something you can do as a family just to get away from the daily grind. Soft play. Zoo. Farm?

Original poster
Shaz2011 · 09/03/2012 18:22

Dcs go to bed between 6:30-7 but sometimes the middle dc don't go to sleep until 9-10.
Dc1 is 8
Dc2 is 2+
dc3 is 9months

OP posts:
HotBurrito1 · 09/03/2012 18:40

I sympathise as my kids have always been late to bed and DH works quite late. We just stay up very late to get time alone and suffer the eye bags Wink

Like only4 says you could get out to let the kids blow off steam? Country walks? Seaside?

chocoraisin · 09/03/2012 19:04

I'd definitely not discount the babysitter yet. IMO it's even worth budgeting for a professional nanny service (google your area) to come once/twice a month so you get a guaranteed fri/sat night off together. If things are rocky and you're worried, you have to ask yourself whether a sitter from a service would be money well spent - I wish I'd done that sooner rather than shelled out on doomed counselling later! Nothing is more important than having fun and time to connect/reboot the marriage.

VeniVidiVisa · 09/03/2012 19:14

It is difficult when the DC are little.

DH & I rarely had time together. He worked every weekend and got home late in the evenings during the week. We didn't really like asking family & friends to babysit very often as we relied on them for childcare in the week (I worked full time for financial reasons)

One thing DH & I agreed to do was make every Saturday night special - even if we were staying in (which was the usual state of play).

We made sure we had a candlit meal when the DC were in bed - even if it meant having it at 10 O'Clock at night.

We made sure we talked and made plans for the future - like where we would travel to, our hopes & aspirations. All the things we would talk about before we had DC.

We still have those Saturday night meals if we are not going out and the DC are now 17 & 19 Grin

I think it saved our marriage Smile

Original poster
Shaz2011 · 09/03/2012 19:30

Thanks girls like you veni we don't want to ask family or friends to look after our kids cos they are our responsibility we agreed that from day 1 as for family days out I will definately be considering it same with nights in with dh

OP posts:
MooncupandPizza · 09/03/2012 19:34

But Shaz, having a babysitter/friends/family in isn't giving up your responsibility, it's just taking a few hours off while they are safe in the hands of others and you are on call should anything happen. It doesn't mean you can't handle the kids or don't like them or anything, it's just taking a break. I think most parents who can get a few hours off of an evening when their kids are in bed should and do take that chance.

Family days out sound like a good idea too and organised nights in where you both watch a dvd together or order pizza or whatever.

Hope you find a way to have a bit more fun and bring the spark back.

Annem1 · 09/03/2012 19:56

I would agree at considering getting a babysitter. We have no family near us and have struggled to get babysitters to our cost. Believe me it would to better to invest in regular nights out together than go through the pain of counselling and your husband saying there is nothing between you which is what mine has recently done.

lambethlil · 09/03/2012 20:02

OK- so if babysitter is a no no, think about how you can work with what you've got.

VVV's suggestion of a date night is a good one. DH and I have rather disrupted evenings, but have bonded over box sets Blush.

We have worked through The Wire, Brotherhood, Spiral and Borgen and now we're watching Big Love. All with a strong narrative, a bit of message and an event of 1hr a night- so not onerous time wise.

lambethlil · 09/03/2012 20:06

And try and go to bed together- I could happily go to bed an hour after DH, and still do occasionally, but I try and go up with him as a norm. If its the other way round for you offer to stay up with him in exchange for him coming up with you leaving a few nights for you each to go to bed when you want.

avoidinglibelaction · 09/03/2012 20:07

If you have someone to babysit FGS use it - we have no avaiable nearby family etc to babysit so v occasionally we have someone offer to babysit parents staying or friend and we leap at it - it only takes one evening out to rememebr that we do actually enjoy eachother's company its so well worth it- why do you feel you can't leave Dcs with someone else- everyone needs a night off sometimes.

GrendelsMum · 09/03/2012 20:09

DH and I do this too! Friday night is 'film night', with popcorn and a box set in bed.

Original poster
Shaz2011 · 10/03/2012 06:44

Can't just have any babysitter due to dc1 who is 8 in a few days he is my nephew who I have guardianship for but for baby-sitters they need to have crb checks cos he was a looked after child

OP posts:
piellabakewell · 10/03/2012 09:17

Most babysitters have CRB checks...many are nursery staff, or use an agency like Sitters and they will all be CRB checked.

Original poster
Shaz2011 · 10/03/2012 09:39

I would have to see dh as he would have to pay for it but I do think we need some alone time

OP posts:
Spellcheck · 10/03/2012 10:01

Shaz it sounds as though you are falling into that rut that most couples with children do! It's just a habit that becomes a way of life, that becomes drifting apart...etc.

You've had some amazing advice on here. I can definitely recommend Sitters, all their ladies are CRB checked and first-aid trained and extremely professional, we've got a couple of regulars we use. They are all nannies, childminders or teaching assistants so experienced with kids. It's worth the expense once a month.

Ditto the going to bed at the same time. Try and keep the intimacy going, show each other you care at least once a day.

You both sound as though you have a lot on your plate, but a lot to fight for too. Good luck!

Original poster
Shaz2011 · 10/03/2012 11:59

Thanks for the advice I wish I could be the woman he married but since having kids and gained the baby fat I don't feel like me anymore specially when it comes to the bedroom department

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 10/03/2012 12:09

take baby steps - you don't have to be the same woman, you are something more than that now, a fabulous mummy! You have gained so much more than a bit of baby weight, which every woman has btw, so don't feel bad about it!! Being a mother does not diminish you, it is powerful, sexy and attractive. Most of all to the father of your kids. You need to give him the opportunity to celebrate you, and you need to celebrate him too, that's one of the challenges of becoming parents together... I bet you don't think less of him now he's a dad, so why would he think less of you now you are a mum?

Try to start with something small, and work your way up. Just do a little thing today to invest in yourself and your marriage. Even if it's just putting on a bit of makeup, despite not seeing the point, or setting the table with candles when the kids are asleep... it probably will feel weird, awkward even at first. But that's just because you are tired and worried and stressed, it's not because your DH thinks you are silly! The more little things you do, the easier and more appealing it will seem to take the plunge and book a sitter service for one evening, put on some glad rags and go out and have fun! Sex is the cherry on the cake. Don't put yourself under pressure to wheel it out for him. I bet he'd feel just as special if you give him half an hour of undivided attention, just chatting over supper at home!

It will get better in time, have faith - take action. We're rooting for you x

valiumredhead · 10/03/2012 12:28

I've been with my dh 21 years and the thing to remember is some years are good and some are bad, as long as the good outweigh the bad you are onto a winner.

I agree with what choc has said :)