Gambling

[againagainandagain]

I've been with DP for about 15 years and we have a nearly 2 year old DD. He's been a gambler in all the time I've known him and things have come to a head several times. When things last came to a head I took full control of his bank account and told him if it happened again it was over between us. I've just checked his bank account today and found he's paid £100 to his gambling account. I've spoken to him about it (he's at work) and he says we'll discuss it tonight. Since then I text him and told him we would be gone when he came home. He called me and said that if anyone was going he would be the one to leave.

I really don't know what to do anymore. This isn't going away and I'm terrified and believe that it never will. It's only £100 this time but its been far bigger sums in the past. He denies he has a problem but it's quite obvious that he has. I feel my only option is to make him leave as it's the only way I can think of to make him see just what he's doing to us. But I don't want him to go, I love him and I need him here. Him leaving would also mean explaining to friends and family about what has happened. That's not something I want to do but that's maybe because I don't want to face up to it and I know what they would tell me to do. And yet sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to about it as I've lived with this for years without being able to speak to anyone. I really can't live like this anymore - it's not fair to DD and as she gets older she's going to become more aware of what is going on. It's always at the back of my mind and I never feel truly happy.

I don't know what to do when he gets home. I don't know if I should make him go or what I should do. I'm just hoping that someone here can offer some advice.

Sounds like ultimatum time.

He either gets help for his addiction or he goes.

Sorry you are going through this.

To be honest I think if things were so bad last time that you had to take control of the accounts and told him that once more and you were over you have to follow through and ask him to leave.

He has decided that either you are full of hot air and he can just ignore your ultimatums as you will not do anything or he cares less about you and your DC than he does about gambling right now.

I don't know how gambling compares to an addiction like alcohol, someone who does know more will come along I hope soon.

Unless you go through with this and he realises how serious you are and makes the decision that you are more important this will happen again and again and again.

Good luck.

Get some legal advice WRT the house and whether you can force him out or whether it will have to be a forced sale. Also, make sure that you are financially separated from him as soon as possible so you cannot be held responsible for his debts. And don't be afraid to tell everyone that he is a problem gambler and that's why you have ended the marriage. It's not your fault. Unfortunately gamblers, like any other addict, can't be made to stop until they choose to, all you can do is kick them out and move on.

While you continue to condone his behaviour by remaining in the relationship, he will see no reason to change his ways or seek help for his addiction to gambing.

Telling him to leave doesn't mean that you'll stop loving him but, if you don't want your dd to be adversely affected by the tensions between her dps, you're best advised to adopt a policy of tough love and require him to live elsewhere until such time as he's demonstrated that he's been able to break his destructive habit.

Telling family and friends will also serve to reinforce the message that he needs to hear if he's to stand any chance of becoming free of the gambling demon.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this - I've been there and got the T shirt. The last time I found out that DH had been gambling I gave him a final ultimatum. He had to go to GA or leave (and I'd tell his parents which scared him more than anything).

Sadly it is an addiction as real as alcohol and they just can't help themselves. He's been going to GA twice a week now for about six months and things are much better. We're still paying the debts off through a debt management plan and recent PPI claims have helped with that a bit.

But he knows he's on the bar stool next to the door in last chance saloon and I would have no hesitation in asking him to leave if he gambled again. And he knows that.

I agree with the others in that if you have given him the final ultimatum, you have to follow through with it and ask him to leave. Perhaps you could leave the door open and tell him that it's not final and if he seeks help for his problem (and it is a big problem) there may be hope for you and your relationship but you need to put the ball back with him and make him take ownership and responsibility of it.

You don't have to tell anyone else anything - it's private between the two of you. Perhaps something like 'we're working through some problems'?

solidgoldbrass is right in that they can't be made to stop until they choose too. You need him to know you're serious about it and he now has a choice. Seek help and maybe there's hope for your relationship (and his with DD) or he leaves and ends up living on a park bench when he's given all his money to Ladbrokes.

I feel for you and hope you find the strength to do what's right for you and DD.

OP you sound a bit confused. You want to leave to teach him a lesson but you don't want him to leave because you love him.

I'm guessing what you really want is for him to quit gambling and continue in the relationship, but you can't make that happen. There is nothing you can do to stop his gambling, only he can do it.

Your part is to decide whether or not you can live with it (I'm guessing not) and how you are going to move forward from this point.

I think you need to safeguard your position, with urgency, (legal advice on property, bank accounts etc) then sit down to thrash it out with him. You both need to be calm for this to be of any use.

Gambling is highly addictive and his behaviour won't change according to your wishes or ultimatums, it'll change when he can face up to it.

I'm sorry for what you're going through because it's really crap, but you will move along more efficiently if you can understand that he probably has little control of his urge to gamble.

If he has been gambling for over 15 years and you have stuck by him all that time when things were much more serious, he probably views £100 as peanuts and 'gambles' that you will stay with him. He is a risk taker and will risk anything because he likes the thrill. He is gambling with you this time and DD, but he probably guesses you are an odds on favourite to stay.

Many couples lose everything over this. I know 43 year old female friends with children to support who are living in small rented accommodation because husbands or partners have lost all and gambled away equity or earnings. They both end up with nothing. You need to secure your future.

You need to make it a sure bet that he truly knows the odds this time. Good luck because you so need it. Is there such a group as support group by those affected by gamblers, similar to al-anon. I know someone who went to al-anon who learnt not to ask what was wrong with him, but what was wrong with her for putting up with it. Good luck.

Gam Anon

Thanks joanofarchitrave. There you are, get along to Gam Anon - this support group will be for YOU. You will find answers there to help YOU work out what your options are. You need to focus on what you can do. You can't change him, he has got to want to change first.

I wonder how he managed to withdraw £100 if you have complete control of the finances. As you're determined to keep the relationship going I would therefore suggest that you increase that control. Cash only 'spends' and everything else is paid by you.

I would view a non followed through threat as a green light to carry on.

No point making ultimatums and not following them through.

It is only when you have ended the relationship that he will realise what he has lost and maybe do something about it.

OP I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

I've had similar issues with a member of my family and he got a lot of help from the Gordon Moody Association. Have a look at their website - they were brilliant and it's a charity so doesn't cost anything.