Split of organisational / financial chores between husband / wife?

[Mandy21]

Bit of background. DH works fulls time, I work 3 days (and have done since we started a family). Joint decision that the children (while they're little) would be with me/us more than they'd be at nursery (4 days with us, 3 days at nursery). We both do the same professional job but for different companies. Stressful jobs. We have 2 children at school, one at p/t nursery (she is home with me 2 days a week).

The split of "organisation / family responsibility" is causing real friction between DH and I at the moment and I just wanted an idea of whether I'm expecting too much.

DH does his fair share of childcare - on the 3 days I work, I leave the house before anyone is up so he gets them up, ready and to school / nursery (although I prepare everything each night - uniforms laid out, bookbags by the door etc). He also collects one afternoon a week. He is hands on / completely involved with them when he's there - couldn't criticise him for a second as a father. Absolutely brilliant.

I do the other drop offs / collections and usually 3 nights a week he's not home until after the children are in bed.

But - I feel like I do absolutely everything else apart from arrange for the servicing of the 2 cars (although I arrange the breakdwon cover / car insurance). All the other stuff that needs to be done - mortgage (trying to re-arrange remortgage for example at the mo), checking bank accounts (have to do this all the time as we're always hovering near the overdraft limit), sorting bills / utilities, e.g. at mo changing broadband provider, menu planning, cooking, sorting savings, booking holidays, etc is down to me. I also arrange all of our social activities (apart from one small group of his own friends that he runs with), sort out all the play dates / children's parties / after school / out of school activities / involvement in PTA, do their homework with them / check it / practice times tables or whatever etc. The 2 days I'm off are quite full on with toddler groups / playground mummy networking / cleaning / erands. He is great at doing what hes told so to speak, but I feel sometimes like he's a 4th child (and I probably end up treating him like that). I tell him how much he needs to pay into the joint account and he does. I don't think he could tell you to the nearest £100 how much the mortgage is.

I feel like he must get in the car some mornings and he "only" has work to worry about. I have a little book with a "to do" list that I check every day cos there are so many things going on I just can't keep on top of it all. I feel like I'm spinning plates the whole time and he's just sat in the audience watching. The whole issue has come to a head because when we moved over a year ago, he needed to sort out his life insurance (so it would cover the new mortgage amount if anything happened to him). He still hasn't sorted it out, and the implications are that we (me and the children) would lose the house if anything happened to him. Its just kind of demonstrated that I do everything and I'm really tired of it all.

Am I sounding like a complete b1tch? Expecting too much - at the end of the day, is this reality for a woman trying to combine a part time professional job with 3 children under 6?

Have you ever read the book "Wifework"? :)

Mandy, I could have written your post!
We have 3 DCs, both work fulltime and DH is great with childcare and cooking, doing the laundry, ironing, etc (we have a cleaner).
I therefore feel I can't moan, but I am the one who does all the financial and organisational things. My DH may know at the moment roughly what our mortgage is as I am in the process of swapping it and felt I should get his agreement beforehand! He doesn't know how much we have in the bank (unless I tell him), he doesn't budget (arrrghhh!), I posted on here recently when he managed to book a table and organise a babysitter for a meal out for my birthday recently (his DM) for about the first time in 20 years.
We have had conversations about doing and keeping a budget and I explained I can't do a detailed budget on my own. this ewas a conversation we had with our IFA about two years ago. he promised to help. I'm still waiting...
I could go on and on and on.
I obviously don't have a solution to your problem, but just wanted to share and say your not alone.
Think i'm going to go on Amazon and have alook at Wifework now

Hmmm. Our setup is similar but from the other way round. I work FT, DH works part time from home, school hours - he does the lion's share of childcare during the week because he is around to do it. I do it at weekends. He does all the financial / organisational work too - I couldn't tell you which broadband provider we were with, let alone how much we pay for it. Mortgage, bills, cars (which need the equivalent of tax yearly and MoT 6 monthly) - he sorts the lot out. He too has a "to do" list too long to keep on top of while all I have to worry about at work is working.

The difference (I think) is, our total working hours - wherever we happen to be - are about the same. He doesn't resent the responsibility of organising the family finances in the same way I (mostly) don't resent working FT. He also enjoys it which helps.

So for us, your setup works. For you it sounds like it doesn't so maybe you need to delegate some of your task list on to him.

My kids are 9 and 12 and this has been a bone of contention ever since we had them. You know you're doing far too much.

All I can suggest is that you tell him what needs doing and let him get on with it. Let him organise the kids stuff when he's due to drop them - he'll either sort it the night before or not - you won't be there to see it! Do a cooking rota and make sure he does the meal planning and shopping every other week.

My challenges have been to a) let go - I like things done as I like them and I have to accept DH does things differently to the way I do them and b) managing my resentment for still having to have an overview of everything and having to delegate.

I have had to accept that DH will not do the social side - it just doesn't occur to him and if I left him to it we wouldn't go out and the kids would never have friends over - it just wouldn't occur to him.

However like your DH, mine is a brilliant father and does do what he's asked to - he's just not proactive about it and I have realised that this won't change.

thetokengirl thank you for your solidarity! Nice to know I'm not the only one!

bertiebotts am going to look for that book - presume it'll say I should stop moaning and get on with it?! ;-)

Iteotwawki I'm glad it works for you and that your DH doesn't resent it. I don't want to come over as defensive, but I do think if I worked school hours from home p/t I would have more time to do these "extra" things, but I have a 120 mile daily commute, so spend an average of 3.5 hours in the car on the days that I work. I'm also pretty knackered those days as I leave the house at 6.15am.

pollycazalat Yep - agree that its not all down to him. I haven't really let him do it in the past, so I will have to let go as you say. You have it down to a tee when you say you have to oversee it all anyway.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Much appreciated.

I think it says pretty much the opposite! It basically outlines what you've noticed here - that women tend to get saddled with all the "invisible" tasks which adds up to a much bigger workload. It's good in an "I'm so glad it's not just me!!" way, has some really interesting history/sociology surrounding this and I think has some practical suggestions too.

We both work full time and gave the same setup. I am organised and efficient and dh isn't so it actually makes more sense for me to run the household. Doesn't mean that dh doesn't do his fair share though. If you want him to do more you need to talk to him about it...

DH works full time away from home 4 nights in the week. I work part time (3 full days) with a 2 hour ommute each day. we have a 2 & 3 year old.

I do all the financial stuff - mortgage, bank accts, insuance, bills plus I do all the cooking (even cook him meals to take away with him) , cleaning, laundry, shopping, budgeting, food and meal planning, dropping/picking kids up from nursery on my work days, doctors appointments and reminding DH about stuff in his diary.
The 2 days I am at home are full with childrens groups, swim lessons looking after/playing with chldren etc and managing any other jobs I need to fit in.
When he is home he sits on the sofa transfixed by the TV or falls asleep til the kids scream in his face to wake up.

I am sick of it but just get told "well you can go out and get a job thats well paid enough to cover the mortgage then" - tis shite really:(

Chynah why do you let him speak to you like that? And why in God's name are you cooking meals for him to take away with him?

OP my DH is more engaged than yours is in the general household things and finances, and he works FT and I'm a SAHM.
I do the bulk of the organising and doing, of course I do because I have the time - but he certainly isn't oblivious.

Mandy - be as defensive as you like, I wasn't attacking you. Just pointing out the view from the other side.

Your DH does a lot more child care during the week with drop offs and pick ups than I do (my working hours are also crap).

My DH wouldn't expect me to have any time to sort family finances out on top of my job so he doesn't expect me to do it. It's an assumption we've both made that the parent who is most at home (ie him) will take on those tasks as their part of the team. He does expect me to pull my weight when I get home though, so I don't sit down and relax in the evenings until he does.

Sympathies with the commute though, I used to have a similar one. Was a killer.

Iteo - I don't think your situation is comparable actually. The OP spends much more of her time commuting and at work than your DH does, so of course her DH should pick up more than you do of the household jobs.

AliBaba - the OP spends 3 days a week working including commute. My DH spends 5 days a week working 24/7 (part time salaried, part time SAHP) - just because he doesn't have to leave the house doesn't mean he's not working all the time while he's here.

As long as they are both getting the same hours of down time then it shouldn't matter who is doing what in the working time. I spend far more of my time WOH, my DH splits WAH and SAHD jobs. Most of the family organisation will fall to the person who's at home the most so actually if that's the OP then yes I do think it's her responsibility.

If while she's doing all the running around her DH is lazing on the sofa then the split isn't equal and I would feel pissed off if I were her. If all the work is shared equally so that they both get the same down time, but it's just that the family organisation is mainly what she does and her DH does mainly something else then sorry but that seems fair to me.

Or maybe I'll log in one day to find a thread saying "my wife works full time 10h days, weekends 48h on call and sometimes night shifts but I have to do all the family organising, she doesn't even know which utilities providers we use - AIBU to want her to do more?" - and it'll be my DH and you'll all say LTB. Who knows :)

The not sorting out the life insurance would make me very angry.

In fact it did. Otherwise I can sympathise but am not there yet, pregnant with our first. I recognise that separation of tasks and responsibilities is something that happens from early in a relationship, solidifies over time and has to be discussed regularly to keep things on track. (Once, when half asleep, DP agreed that if I did the banking he'd deal with the, then hypothetical, poo - I'm keen to promote this in practice but not hopeful!)

On insurance though, we'd bought a house together and, especially as not married, needed to sort wills anyway, then, in early pregnancy DP was driving when hit by a lorry, fortunately unhurt but could easily not have come home, which prompted more urgent thinking on wills and life insurance and, having recently been made redundant, I realised I could have been left jobless, with a child on the way, suddenly responsible for all our joint outgoings (so, without insurance; seeking any job, selling the house and having a stressful pregnancy). We agreed to sort this stuff, I gave DP a deadline for his part and got on with mine, he found out a few things but hadn't done it. I refused to discuss baby names with him when we'd said we would, until he'd sorted this, as I saw it as a total failure to take responsibility for his family and I don't think anyone can expect to do the fun stuff (or really see themselves as a full part of the family) if they're not taking responsibility for the basic, life-supporting essentials. You DH may not feel very mortal but insurance is not about him, it's about the family's survival.

Thanks again everyone. He does pull his weight with chores - if he sat down whilst I was still on the go there would be hell to pay . I suppose its just the "thinking" / "stressing" that bugs me -I feel thats more time consuming / a bigger responsibility that coming home, seeing that there is washing up to be done and doing it (which he'll do).

And yes Lottie completely agree. His ultimate role in life is to look after the children (and me) and so the life insurance issue just really cheeses me off.

We did have a chat about it, and he agreed to take more on, so I left him to organise the uniforms / bookbags etc. Phoned me at work the following morning to say children delivered all dressed etc with everything they needed, but he'd been in such a rush he'd forgotten his mobile!!! Thought that was bloody typical and there is no way I'm handing over control of the finances he needs more practice so we'll see how things go.

Thanks again everyone.